10 March 2011
Lyssa's mother :
After we moved from ******** I began sending out Christmas newsletters to friends and family in the hope she would be given one to read. I was recently told (2012) by friends that when they visited, they passed the newsletter to her 'under the table' because they knew it was important Warden did not find out.
In 2011, because I were approaching 80, Ifelt it was imperative to try and heal the breach between us and I tweeted her, asking if she knew who was trying to contact her.Warden intercepted it and began writing bad mother-in-law jokes on Twitter. I asked him via the same means why he held such animosity towards me since we had never had cross words, and he suggested that we contact each other through emails.
At this time I was unaware he had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and from the wording of his email when I tried to contact her gave the impression that they were extremely happy together. This was, at least, some consolation to me, and I wrote and told him so and thanked him for making her happy.
I then asked him if he knew why she was not willing to speak to me and explained that I had always tried to do my best for her.
His reply was patronising, abusive, accusative and rambling and appeared to be the product of a
disturbed and demented mind - those are my husband’s words, not mine, however I agree.
His email revealed a lot about him which explained what had caused the separation between my daughter and I and why, soon after their marriage ,she had cut herself off from everyone. It was clear she had been trying to deal with his mental problems!
Here the extracts from his emails. A man who, at the time, had started training to become a counsellor:
Here’s my reply, and I like to call it 'Enlightenment’ or, 'The Gentle Kick up the Backside You Should Have Had Years Ago'. . . . I want to tell you a few things that your husband could have done years ago if he had any concern for your mental health and well-being.
I am going to tell you these things and give you some advice. I am going to do it with humour and light heartedness in the manner of having taken you out for a long liquid lunch and got you slightly p1ssed so the reality has less bite. Imagine me wagging a disapproving finger and showing you the error of your ways. I do it out of love. We are all one. One is love.
Ready? Got that cuppa? Ok then, let's go!
I have been a ****** ******* for nearly 18 years and seen; heard, smelled and dealt with things you have no idea about. Grief, death, suicide, tragedy and loss. I have also enjoyed the privilege of experiencing the highest of human endeavours. I have lived !
I also contemplated suicide in 2008 drugged to the eyeballs with NHS prescribed anti-psychotic medication while in the black depths of Manic Depression. I endured 9 months of brutal basic training in the army of a country locked in war with Angola for nearly 20 years.
I have lived ! My experiences have made me who I am today - balanced, compassionate, loving, caring and nurturing a wonderful family.
You have absolutely no idea. You have lived a safe life, decisions made for you, cocooned in your world of blame and self-loathing. Well, out of love and compassion for you I am going to show you how to set yourself free.
He continued, and I have no idea what this was about:
In the space of 24 hours you were spouting, vomiting your bile and rhetoric as you did fourteen years before. At one point I became convinced you were suffering from dementia. I read your diatribe and looked around for the other people in the room.
His email confirmed my assessment of him soon after I met him in 1990 when visiting my daughter in ***** ******. It now became clear to me that since they were married his behaviour had become progressively worse, and her love for and loyalty to him had prevented her saying anything to me.
It explained so much. For years I had been blaming myself for something I might have done, although I could not imagine what, so you can imagine the relief I felt over the disclosure about his illness.
In the same email he also accused me of abandoning her to chase after 'a man' in 1979. The man he was referring to was my husband who was working near London. We had only been married a year at the time and he was travelling to ******** once a month to visit us. We planned to move up to Surrey and had agreed when we married that my daughter and I would not leave Cornwall until she had completed her GCSEs!
His reply to me: To protect my family I have blocked you in My email account, she has blocked you in Twitter, as has ***, and our family and friends here are aware of this situation and our wishes. Your emails will go to my spam folder and will not be read.
Later he emailed: She has never said that you abandoned her in her GCSE year. That was my thought.
28 June 2011
My mother: I then wrote to my daughter at her home address but received no reply from her - just
another abusive email from him. I thought things over until July when I realised that since she worked and he did not and was at home all the time he had probably intercepted my letter so I decided to write to her at her place of work asking her to contact me.
[My mother in 2013: What follows makes it clear that this was the time they were discussing
divorce.]
Thursday, July 7, 2011
My Diary: 10.26am
Dark Days
Trust has gone. Mistrust, dark gloom, separation. Psychological threats and control to make me put my money into his account and give him all access.
Friday July 8 2011
My Diary: OMG today I was reminded of my entry for Friday 25th July 2008 10.29 am and to which I can now write ‘ditto’.
Back to the old ways, uncommunicative, blames me, thinks I'm the root of all problems, passive aggressive, irritable and non-participative.
Sits all day in front of TV and when I come home doesn't make eye contact. Tries to look around me so he doesn't miss TV.
It's really hard to keep a positive front.
I know logically this is his condition, but I'm feeling so fed up.
The cycle will change soon (I hope)
I keep busy, to the point of exhaustion.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
My Diary: Jumpy
I'm anxious, frightened and jumpy, when he comes into the room I'm in. The situation feels unpredictable.
I can't stop thinking about the future, I want this to change. I want not to feel like above. Do I still love him? Can I love someone and want to be with them if I can't trust them?
Changing conditions need to focus on what is best for me and the children and our future.
Will he agree to us separating and selling up and going separate ways? I think that’s what I want, and then I think about what it would be like if he smiled at me, and loved me and told me it would all be OK. What would I do?
Sunday, July 10, 2011
My Diary: Divorce
We agreed.
He made it quite clear that he hates me, does not respect me or trust me.
His venom and bile knows no end.
10 July 2011 (From my other blog)
Regarding writing ‘support my husband with his bipolar illness’
Since he stopped meds and believes he no longer has this, this is now a mountain to climb. Twenty years and I’m done. Time to start looking after myself and the children. The children come first of course, because I have always come third.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
My Diary: I can't make sense
I feel a deep dark depression. I can hardly breathe. My chest is crushed by a weight that cannot be moved. I think of my children and I feel mental anguish. I ask myself what can be done. There is no response. I am constantly nauseous. What to do? Nothing but cry a sea of tears.
Monday, July 18, 2011
My Diary: Normal Service Resumed...
Went to my GP, back on Sertraline, signed off-sick, didn't know how much I needed it.
Managed to have meaningful conversation with him this morning and cleared the air over some things.
I think I need to go back for some counselling to talk through thoughts of being controlled, living in controlling relationships and my general anxieties.
A small, but positive step forward.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
My Diary: Treading Water
I don't seem to be able to get through traumatic occasions with him without valium. Which leaves me in a dream state the next day.
I'm feeling stronger, which is dangerous, as I then speak my mind, which for someone who needs to be in control is very unsettling and can lead to complete disharmony.
Speaking to someone who observed us and how we react to each other, they said that it could be easily seen how controlling and dismissive he is of me. Food for thought.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
My Diary: My dreams of being overwhelmed and submerged have returned. Protected by a large glass plate window. The sense of anxiety was there as was the whole family. Followed by being driven down a dangerous track, placed in peril and needing rescuing.
My mother’s second letter sent to me and received at work:
I don’t want you to ever forget that despite the gap which developed between us, you have always been in my thoughts and I have never stopped loving you and that will always be the case so long as I live. I would do anything to help you and hope you will never forget that in me you have someone who loves and cares for you as much as anyone else does.
My dearest daughter, I love you so much, Mumx
13 August 2011
Part of my email reply :
Dear Mum, I do want what you talk of. It's hard, for me right now. I’m off sick with stress from work and home combining right now. Even the simplest of things are difficult to do. I love you and will write I promise.
My mother’s email reply: Since your email I am drawn back to your words ‘I find life is extraordinary and challenging to traverse. In order to maintain balance I live my life the way I do. I do my best.’
I feel sure that you gave these words a great deal of thought before you wrote them. They tell me life has not been easy for you. I so wish that during your troubles I could have been a prop to help ease you of your burden. Because I love you so much I feel I have failed you because you have been unable to share your problems with me, and have had to endure so much alone.
You have shown such strength of character in dealing with what life has thrown your way. [He] told me he was bi polar and your ABC Bipolar Blues gave me an insight into the illness and reduced me to tears when I thought of you trying to cope alone. I cannot imagine where you found the strength.
My next email the same day said: Hi Mum, don't worry about me. All will be well. I'm doing what I need, which is to rest. Hopefully back to work soon. Life has been tough and dark, but I get through, we get through. It will be nice to talk to you though.
16 August 2011
My Twitter:
No one can possibly understand the destructiveness of this illness unless they have been touched by it.22 August 2011
My Diary:
The GP has signed me off for another two weeks. It was rather a shock as initially he wanted to sign me off for a month, but I felt really uncomfortable about that, being the conscientious person that I am.
Having time off has allowed me to re-evaluate the important things in life. I am determined to get better, so that I am Teflon coated when I get back to work, and don't allow it to dominate my life with worry.
I have 7 years left before I can officially retire, although I might choose to work longer. I have done pottery lessons for a couple of years and can throw pots on the wheel and make things that I feel reasonably proud of.
I'm currently getting into quilting, I find hand sewing quite soothing, and the repetition of movement is pleasant.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
My Diary: Downturn
What do you do when you are told the end of the world is imminent and that plans must be made to survive? That you must decide if you will stay to accept your fate or go elsewhere to survive and this will involve spending money on survival equipment and knowing that you may be asked at a moment’s notice that you have to drop everything and go.
I was doing so well and now faced with this. His arguments are so persuasive, the discussion so rational. The drip feed of brainwashing subtle and not so subtle. Here I am again, being ground down to ashes of my former self. What choice do I have other than to protect those close to me? I do this by going along.It feels wrong, but what seriously can I do? No professional support. How do I keep going? Tempted not to.
Additional note on blog:
He had the whole family start making arrangements, including buying winter weather equipment, for a move to Snowdonia because he believed the world was about to come to an end.
September 2011
From his statement to the Court in 2013: I have also used my training and experience in various therapies to help [my wife] return to work after her long term sick-leave for severe depression in September 2011.
[He did nothing but put me trough misery, as can be seen from the previous. My mother's comment: As a trainee counsellor he appears to be completely unaware of what he had and was putting her through all this time.]
Monday, September 5, 2011
My Diary: Peace at last
After weeks of agonising, finally managed to have the chat with him that I have wanted. He had psych appointment this pm and he asked me if I wanted to come. After thought I said yes, but realised if I did go I would only want to be honest. So I told him this and that my opinion was that he is bipolar. He accepted this very well. We were able to discuss our thoughts rationally; it was all very amicable, understanding and loving.
I had so dreaded his response, but had nothing to fear on this occasion. Great sigh of relief all round. He cancelled appointment with psych, as nothing really to say. We both know he would not take medication. He knows my point of view.
We both agreed after short talk that we both felt so much better. In fact I feel as if I can begin to heal myself.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
My Diary: WOW!
Goodness yesterday was quite a revelation and transitional/ pivotal moment. Each day we have come closer and closer together. I took courage to tell him that I believed he still had Bipolar. He took this well. We have reached a deeper and greater understanding of each other.
In turn he revealed deep insight and told me how he realised that he was focussing on something (the end of the world) and then spending money, BUT... he recognised this and stopped this. This is an amazing change of events.
We discussed many things that we had been fearful the other person would receive negatively. All OK so far.
I feel that I can now start my own recovery to full strength.
30 September 2011
Interviewed by Radio Cornwall ref Bipolar Disorder going on air 5 Oct. Frank desc of a Journey. Reaching out now to help courageous peeps!
5 October 2011
Noted on BBC website http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cornwall-15169429:
Living with Bipolar disorder in Cornwall
Bipolar disorder is sometimes called manic depression, it can affect a person's moods and make them swing from one extreme to another.
If you have bipolar disorder you will have episodes of depression and mania. In the depressive episode, the mood change is sustained for at least two weeks, often longer.
In the manic episode, the mood change is sustained for at least one week, but often longer.
On Wednesday 5 October, BBC Radio Cornwall's Lunchtime Programme, presented by Laurence Reed, looked at bipolar disorder, with a team of experts.
“They [the symptoms] brought on the voices I used to hear, aural hallucinations, the visual hallucinations, I saw the ghosts of two particular people. ”
Mr ...
People in Cornwall who suffer from the mental illness, bipolar disorder, are being urged to seek medical help.
A policeman who lost his job because of the condition, said support is available for people who struggle with its emotional highs and lows.
Mr ... said: "I had the capacity to work more, do the work of two people. I felt super-human, I had ideas to cure world peace in the Middle East.
"I felt I was able to achieve impossible things. I was up and down for years and years."
The Cornwall Partnership NHS Foundation Trust said if an episode of mania or depression becomes very severe, people may develop psychotic symptoms, seeing and hearing things which aren't real.
Mr ... said: "They brought on the voices I used to hear, aural hallucinations, the visual hallucinations, I saw the ghosts of two particular people. "I now know that was as a result of the bipolar disorder."
Bipolar disorder is a relatively common condition. About one person in 100 is diagnosed with the condition. It can occur at any age, although it often develops in people who are between 18-24 years of age. Anyone can develop bipolar disorder.
The pattern of mood swings varies widely between individuals. Some people will only have a couple of episodes in their lifetime, while others may experience many episodes.
Bipolar treatments
The majority of people can be treated using a combination of different treatments. These include:
Medicines to prevent episodes of mania and depression. These are known as mood stabilisers and are taken daily on a long-term basis.
- Medicines to treat the main symptoms of depression and mania, as and when they occur
- Learning to recognise things that trigger an episode of depression or mania
- Learning to recognise the signs of an approaching episode
To my mother: Hi Mum, Hope this finds you well. I'm in a dark place right now. My tweets don't reflect how I feel.
Love x
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