Extracts from the diary of someone who was married to a bipolar husband for over 20 years.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
My Diary: Cold light of dawn
Reality is beginning to creep in. The daily drudgery, school run, work, home, food, TV.
I'm beginning to get confused about me, us. I'm not sure. I need time to myself.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
My Diary: Good words
From the MDF website forum:
You are bang on the money: "I don't know if she will want to rekindle the marriage .....she may have really been through so much that she can’t allow herself to be hurt again............but allow her time.........I know it’s hard for you but let her see what it was she saw in you in the first place..........show her how you have changed.......let her see you keep calm...be brilliant with the children (there’s nothing as sexy as a great dad) ....be good to her and let her have time to fall in love all over again."
"It sounds like you are doing all you can right now... It will take her a long time to trust that you won’t hurt her again."
"Past behaviour is usually a good indicator for future behaviour.......therefore a new behaviour pattern has to be created .....when she has enough good memories stored of you again she will be more likely to wipe out the old ones"
In my opinion the most precious thing you can give her is time and space and understanding of what she is going through and indeed has to go through in order to come out the other side.
You don't need to shower her in gifts to prove your love, she knows you love her, she is simply caught in a web of uncertainty. All she longs for is calm and peace in a storm that has raged about her for what might seem eternity. She is like a survivor from a shipwreck washed upon the shore, clinging to the flotsam of daily routine to keep her going.
Just being there, will be enough. I know this is probably very tough for you, since you are experiencing such radical change which seems so hopeful for you. You too have been through the mill and are probably only coming to terms with many aspects of BP and recovery.
Good luck.
Monday, January 19, 2009
My Diary: Good Place
I'm in a good place today. Today has held no surprises. I have experienced the calmness that so many people must take for granted. I have taken pleasure in the thought of coming home. I have smiled and have had no present ideas of what was to be. I even was engaged with work activities and wanted to stay longer!
I feel a great sense of calm and control. I was a good mother today. I also spent time on myself (pottery). My pots were particularly pleasing. I am pleasantly tired.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
My Diary: Thank you, Lorna
A bit about bipolar
Life is strange
I have been experiencing the most devoted husband a woman could hope to have.
I throw everything at him in every way I know just to test him out. So far he has come through with flying colours. He is on what he would call a 'plateau'. He is single minded about repairing the rift.
For two pennies I could move right back... and yet...
I have a deeply felt self-preservation conscience. From inside my head I have warning signals going off.
What if?
Supposing he?
If I did... what then?
For most of all of them I have been able to discuss them with him. We have had tricky moments and difficult painful conversations. My extended family are extremely wary. I am not torn between, but it’s really important that I make the right decision. He is struggling to meet all the payments of things. We discussed selling. This was surprisingly a motivator for me. I don't want to lose the family home. We will never have another chance. But at the same time this decision scares me.
I am stuck in another quagmire of uncertainty. I hate worrying about money. It is always a sobering thought.
I think the way forward is to:
1. Check with GP (who has known him for many years) his opinion on recent developments
2. Check with Psych, who has tons of experience on BP, the most likely route of the future.
3. Do a reality check
4. Think really carefully and list mine and the children’s needs using the Maslow model
5. Create a list of acceptable behaviours and consequences
6. Discuss possible intentions with extended family
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
My Diary: Progress
I have completed stage 1 and GP was very positive, felt he had definitely seen a true and honest person. He gave good advice just like the occupational health Dr who wants to see that this remission is more permanent than the ones before. Especially for the sake of the children. I agree. Spring is on the way!
Sunday, February 1, 2009
My Diary: MDF forum
I have just read the entry of another wife of a husband just diagnosed with BP and this has encouraged me to update:
"Hi Clare, I always thought that it was her fault, that the marriage/relationship was coming to a natural end. It was only until I had a year of counselling myself, from such low self-esteem, in conjunction with watching the excellent two part documentary by Stephen Fry about BP that I began to come to the realisation that other forces were at work. And even then it took me a whole year to be able to adjust to the fact that he had an illness. I think I blocked it out; I didn't want to really acknowledge his illness. I finally had to wake up and smell the coffee, just before Christmas. It was the most difficult decision I have ever had to make in my life. I walked out with the children. There is a silver lining, however since this meant a lot of introspection, support and talking.
Things I have now realised:
I love my husband.
I have needs and so do the children to be safe and acknowledged without the recrimination of the ill mind.
He had religiously taken the Lithium, and psych treatment like this takes months, so don't expect a quick fix.
The med cocktail he has taken over the last year has had dreadful effects, but the 'changes' are definitely for the better.
Insight was difficult for lots of the time, but it is pivotal for repairing relationships.
I feel as if we are dating again just like 18 years ago, and I feel very hopeful. He has changed, but in dealing with this I have changed too, and for the better. My blog is some of what I have gone through in the last year. It may help.
My love to you at this difficult and challenging part of your life.
Lyssax"
I have come to the cross-roads and realise that I have chosen my path. I feel in control and excited at rediscovering myself and him and making new memories. I am safe in the knowledge that I have the power to walk away and make a safe space for my children and myself. As difficult as things have been I feel that I have actually grown and could not have done this without all the bad things that have happened. Yes it is a crappy way to change, but I have come out the other side, stronger and more myself then I have ever been since I was 4 when my father left. God Bless you Dad and Mum.
Monday, February 9, 2009
My Diary: Life is funny
I do think life is funny. What was that saying of David Niven something like just when you could sit back and admire your garden the seeds of discontent floated in.
Life has been such a roller coaster and I was beginning to enjoy the newness of me and him and our lives. Let me correct that, I am enjoying all of this, the tenderness, the love, the understanding, the mutual learning, the safeness and security. The knowledge that I have changed for the better, that he has strived and has come through his own personal battles.
And now? Well now I'm weary. It feels very odd to be so positive on one front and yet so dismal on another. One of my favourite quotes is 'Work gets in the way'. And for me it really is right now.
I have a myriad of answered questions about my life right now, where to go, how to develop. In one way I guess that's actually very, very positive, because if I went back a month or two I couldn't even look at planning tomorrow. The human mind and how it works is so strange. I guess we are all the same.
I want so much now, I feel that tantalisingly it is there for me to grasp. I just need to reach out... and yet, and yet I'm frightened of toppling. This is nothing to do with my now fabulous relationship with my husband, but I guess I am beginning to be able to look outside this small microcosm and think about myself and what I want and where I want to be.
It's all here really.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
My Diary: Healing
Point No2 completed.
We visited the Psych this morning. I came away thinking that for the first time a consult had left me feeling that I had all my questions answered.
I knew that she could not answer questions like 'how long will this good episode last?' And the question 'when will it be OK to unite?' she more or less said we would know. I cannot explain adequately how I have two consciences in my head – one which wants us to get back together forthwith and the other which wants me to wait a while and check things out.
I imagine everyone has these, it just depends on your personality as to the one who wins.
Which goes back to me not knowing myself and needing to find myself. (Sounds so 60's!)
I need to live in the moment
I need to be mindful and I want to find out more about Buddhism.
Good.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
My Diary: Citalopram Blues
Life moves relentlessly on. And I am pleased for once to be floating in the stream. I realised that I was getting depressed. I have started to crumble. The strong me has taken a break. The climax of this realisation came when someone asked me 'What makes you happy? What do you do that really makes your heart sing?' and I thought and thought and couldn't find an answer, and then I cried.
The flip side of the coin is that I want to go home. I am ready to go home. I want to be looked after once more. I am definitely in a different place; I have walked through magic doors and come out the other side stronger and more defined and able to grant myself my own needs. Wow.
Tuesday, May 17, 2009
My Diary: Life goes on
The Citalopram was awful I changed back to Sertraline. It takes the worst off, I think. I am taking time off right now. Everything seems odd. I felt very anxious about everything and realised the past few years were finally taking their toll on me. Reflecting I realise that I must feel relatively 'safe' to allow myself to crumble like this. It's an uncomfortable place to be. Feeling low and anxious is horrible. But on a positive note I guess I am going through this to lead to getting better.
We have been having counselling together. It has been a very good experience. It has allowed us a safe place to investigate some of our deeper motivations and communication skills.
He has gone back to work on a staged return. But work is being dreadful to him. I find this a great strain. Today he is in a meeting to discuss his future. What will be will be. I believe that we can face anything together.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
My Diary:One step forward
I thought I was doing so well, and then something rocked the boat, bad news and I seem to be back at square one, frightened, unsure and generally depressed. I am planning to go back to work on Tuesday. I thought I was better. If I don't go back I don't know how long this will take. This wretched life is so complicated and full of bad luck. I know you make your own good luck. But you have to be positive and I don't feel very positive right now.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
My Diary: We have been through so much that each day that passes seems a wonder to me. Every day has its good bits and bad bits. I am still tired. He is still fighting the demons within and getting exhausted.
Last week he seemed different. The CPN agreed and that made me feel both better and worse. Finances are the root of all evil.
We need strength.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
My Diary: Winds of change
I think I am detecting an elevated state. Oh dear. Why? Stress? Will it always be like this?
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
My Diary: What else has life to throw?
Wobbly, car ill again!
Life seems so damn'd hard.
Think the decision has been made for him to take ill-health retirement.
Just want relief. Quiet time... is that too much to ask? It would seem it is.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Web Post:
The ABC Bipolar Blues
A = aggressive
B = belligerent
C = churlish
D = depressed, delusional
E = emotional
F = frustrated, fixated, forgetful
G = grim
H = hating
I = insight
J = Jekyll and Hyde
L = lost
M = moody
N = neglectful
O = oppressive
P = painful
Q = querulous
R = resentful
S = sleepy
T = turned in
U = under the weather
X = xenophobic
Sunday, August 9, 2009
My Diary:
It’s been a while since I last logged in. He is on Abilify which has started working; there have been a few fine adjustments. The worst side effect seems to be not sleeping at night and utter restlessness. I think he is depressed and still angry that goes with it. Still determined to leave his job.
And me, well I'm taking sleeping tablets at weekends that completely knock me out, pleasant for me a pain for the rest of the family.
I have two weeks of hols coming soon (5 days).
Money situation is c**p. He is beginning to get to grips with this.
I'm zoned out and nothing seems to matter.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
My Diary:
It's bad enough then...
a. I found out he's spent money.
b. He has spent a lot of money... on a second car
c. He didn't discuss it with me
d. I can't discuss it with him because I get too upset.
I have to take the tack of 'who gives a f**k?' because otherwise my head will explode.
My reserves are low, I want to give up, throw the towel in.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
My Diary: 11.11 am
What am I to do?
Yesterday I was more confident that 'things' were going better. I had a counselling session, where I opened up some deep worries and was given comfort and helped to see the sensible side of things. Life still yawns in front of me like a giant chasm or vacuum, and I feel as if I am to be sucked in. To disappear for ever. I have to keep reminding myself that this is still very early days.
There are challenges ahead and I have to weather the storm. At least I have made positive steps to begin to look more after my own sanity, e.g. booking more evening classes, making sure I have time to myself and not feeling guilty with the anti-depressants.
Still seem to get things wrong, or at least, perhaps I am not getting them wrong, rather he is misinterpreting them.
Ah well, just another day in the mad world in which I exist.
I'm frightened
11.41 am
I need strength, and I feel it is ebbing away, slipping through my fingers. I am weak.
Turned in. What use am I to my family going through this turmoil, when I can’t think without tears in my eyes.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
My Diary:
My Amitriptaline... is beginning to kick in, and having a holiday helps too!
14 October 2009:
From my other blog: Plan
1st entry:
Play with my children more
Is really easy if I try to forget life and focus on the here and now. That’s all children really know. They bask in having time with me. Patience helps and being able to divert. I getting there. Having fun with the children is the most important thing to try and do every day.
2nd entry:
Stop feeling guilty about time to myself: This has been a steep learning curve for me. I guess poor self-esteem meant that I tend to put myself last. Now I know that I and my health are essential in keeping my family and life together, I try harder to spend more me time. I don’t think I have much further to go :o)
3rd entry:
Someone is selling a table top potter’s wheel, now I just have to pluck up the courage and ring them!
22 October 2009 (from other blog)
How to be a better mother - It took someone else to point it out to me.
How I did it: Made sure that I followed my instincts, followed good advice, sought expert advice and finally listened, really listened.
Listened to my children and worked hard at keeping lines of communication open. Enjoy and let 'fun' happen with the children and be united with partner (at least in front of children)
Lessons and tips: Never underestimate your instincts and stick to your guns if you feel them to be correct.
Resources: Close friends, family and GP
Monday, November 16, 2009
My Diary: Today is good
We have had long spells of normalness, and the family has settled down. The children are fine and that's official!
We are dealing with our finances.
Each day we step closer to our goal for 2010, to see Bipolar as secondary and not the primary issue of our lives.
My love for my husband has never been greater.
I have learned to be strong and have better self-esteem.
Today is good!
Long live Tomorrow!
Eight Ways to Spot Emotional Manipulation
