Lyssa's Mother

Part extract from my diary

7 October 1990
Off to *** soon to spend 6 weeks holiday with Lyssa.

7/8 October 1990
Long tiring flight. Late leaving Heathrow due to delayed arrival of plane from Athens. Athens airport is the pits. Sat waiting several hours for connection. Upright chairs - so bad back. Very poor airport with none of the comfort or services of Heathrow or Gatwick.  One tiny counter serving minimum of food. Only two sets of toilets - a long way apart - one closed for cleaning and a long hike to the other.
Boarded jumbo on time - hardly slept - no pillows or blankets because there is a strike on at Athens airport and the store was locked.
Two pleasant Afrikaans ladies seated beside me. From what they were saying - the Dutch Reformed Church has had a change of heart and has seen the light and decided all people are equal!!
Now half an hour from *** *****. Refuelled at ******* and took on a couple of passengers. Plane full. Very poor night service, no reply to constant ringing of attendant's button. I was dying of thirst and the plane was so hot. Read a lot, eyes sore from reading.
Later, after having been met by Lyssa and Warden, he asked for my blessing on their engagement. What a strange thing to do - as if my refusing would make a difference to Lyssa.

9 October 1990
With Lyssa to Zoo in am and shopping at R. Called at the clinic she works in and met her colleagues. Slept in pm.  Arranged to go to P’s (an old friend) for dinner later.
As we were getting ready to go to P's Lyssa went into the toilet and locked the door. Warden tried the door and then went berserk and began  shouting at her when he realised it was locked. ‘Why have you locked the door against me’, he shouted and then went on and on raving about it while Lyssa tried to apologise saying it was an accident, close to tears. What sort of person is he? behaving in such a childish, unrestrained way. I know he was good to her when she had cystitis - sat with her in the loo and held her hand, but this behaviour is ridiculous in a grown man but then he acts very immaturely a lot of the  time.
To P and C for dinner (lovely meal), we picked up where we left off all those years ago. Long talks, viewed videos, just like old times. Lyssa and Warden announced their engagement.

10 October 1990
To Hartebeestepoort Dam and up the cable way for a picnic lunch. Lyssa went to public toilet there with Warden calling out after her 'Don't sit on the seat!' For heavens sakes, I thought, she's a grown woman and knows that! Watched hang-gliding championships a short while and took photos.
His mother was odd during my first invitation to dinner this evening. She got a bit sloshed and accidentally  knocked a bottle of  red wine over me. She seemed rather bemused by it. She was rather stoned and just sat there but it was an accident.
After settling Lyssa & me in the car for our return home, Warden returned to the house and we could hear him ranting and raving at his mother, suggesting she did it on purpose while his father tried to control the situation.
These are, I feel, Warden’s true colours.  One would think she had done it deliberately by the way he behaved. Most unpleasant and worrying especially after his outburst yesterday when Lyssa  was in the toilet. Couldn’t believe that anyone could behave and speak like that to their mother. He showed no respect for her. True she drinks too much but that is more to be pitied. From speaking to her she would much rather be living in England and maybe that is why she drinks. She had said, during our conversation earlier, that she envied me living in England.

12 October 1990
Went into J. with Lyssa to book a coach trip and then to Oriental Bazaar  and then on to R.

13 October 1990
Went to Carlton Tower in J with Lyssa & Warden and took video from the top.

14 October 1990
To GRC in am. Built on an old mine. Very interesting and took lots of photos and video. Went on the railway which runs around the grounds. Some very interesting exhibitions including a detailed working model of a gold mine. Also small corrugated chapel with stained glass windows. Watched some local dancing.  Jazz band in the Bandstand. To P and C in the pm to stay with them for a couple of days.

21 October 1990
Warden did not want to go to A's (my eldest daughter) for the braai she had for me and had invited us all to it. Warden finally went but in bad grace. (He behaves like a spoilt child.) They sat apart from the rest of us and then played computer chess which put Warden into a fair mood. He seems a very moody person and doesn’t snap out of it quickly when something has annoyed him.
Met S's (A's husband), his brother and wife and dear little daughter Clare (a lovely little girl and we got along famously) and other friends.
A. (my daughter) showed her wedding video to Lyssa & Warden and others who hadn't seen it. Warden started laughing and making fun of the wedding. Lyssa told him not be rude. We left soon after (with Warden still in a bad mood) and stopped to buy cool drinks on the way back. Lyssa went into the shop followed by Warden because she had left her purse in the car. He threw this at her and she swore at him and he came back to the car. On her return he threatened to slap her if she ever swore at him again in public. (I now have considerable reservations about the character of this young man.) I told him that if he ever hit her he would have me to deal with. I cannot believe that Lyssa would go with anyone who threatened her!
Back home he continued behaving in a very juvenile manner and it went on and on and on until eventually I got fed up with his constant bickering in front of me and I told him to stop behaving like a child and said he was going the right way to lose Lyssa. He stormed out shouting 'I'm not staying while she's here' etc etc. Lyssa very distraught so told her I would leave and go and stay in a hotel because I didn’t want to be blamed for their break-up . She ran out to catch him at the lift  in tears calling out ‘Warden, come back, Mum’s going. She’s going to stay in a hotel’ and again as the lift doors closed ‘Mum's going, Warden. Please come back.'  I told her I would not put her in the position of having to choose between us and I would leave if she wanted me to. She didn't want me to and we had a cry together.
He returned a little later and said she had to choose between the two of us. She said she couldn't. He threatened not to return to the UK with her while I was there. Lyssa said that she told him later that she was returning to the UK in January with or without him. I told her he was using blackmail by making such threats and she should not give in to it. I now have a very low opinion of him.

22 October 1990
Today things seemed a little better between Lyssa and Warden and also between him and me. They were at least cuddling. They took me to the coach station for my trip down to C. in Durban and there W. apologised for his behaviour. Long uneventful coach journey to the coast. C. (my son) was there to meet me and we went for coffee and had a long chat. We got along so well right from the start.
After a week I returned to J. and stayed with Lyssa and Warden.

12 November 1990
To A's and then went to see my grand-daughter. Very pretty but very shy. Then back home to find that Lyssa and Warden had been to a therapist who had told her, while Warden waited outside, that he should also take therapy with her. Warden was outraged. Why did he need therapy? It wasn't him that came from a broken home! He’s not all that bright at times! Persuaded him that this was always suggested as therapists felt that both partners should grow together for the security of the relationship. In the end both very grateful to me and couldn't thank me enough for mediating between them.

15 November 1990
Fly home today but with serious reservations about Warden. But looking forward to seeing J. again.
When I returned my husband asked me what I thought of Warden and all I could say was 'I reserve judgement.'

Lyssa and Warden returned to the UK shortly after and married but soon after things started going wrong between us. Neither J or I could understand it.

Thursday 23rd May 1996
How quickly time passes. Here we are almost at the end of May and Adam is two months old.
My 'better' spirit comes to the fore within a day of feeling depressed about the break with Lyssa, indeed feeling low usually only lasts for a few hours at the most.
I know I am not being punished for my past behaviour (ie marriage breakups). I have managed as best I could with what life dealt me and I must learn to accept that no matter how much I try to do the right thing life still gives me a raw deal at times. Thank goodness for my positive outlook which means feeling low usually only lasts for a few hours at the most.

Tuesday 11th June 1996
Yesterday was a bad day so far as feeling a bit depressed about Lyssa. It is the thought of not seeing my grandson Adam that gets to me. Spoke to Ruth next door about it and felt like crying again. Wish I could keep a hold on my emotions on this but this goes right to the very depth of my feelings because I love Lyssa so much. Keep asking myself why it has happened and do not have an answer.

Saturday 31st August 1996
We re-wrote our wills today and  have just finished printing them out. Before writing mine I was undecided what to do about the family photos and memorabilia that I thought Lyssa might want. I phoned to find out if she wanted things like photos because if not I might just as well throw them away.
Warden answered and it was obvious they had been having an argument. It was very distressing because I could hear Lyssa crying in the background, nearly hysterical. Warden said some really nasty quite untrue things over the phone. He can be quite vicious. J was shocked. I was right to reserve my judgement of Warden when I came back from ** in 1990.

Wednesday 13th November 1996
Lyssa contacted me and arranged a visit on Monday afternoon at 3pm. I made a special effort serving tea and cake on the best china, the sort of things that she appreciates and which generally we cannot be bothered with these days being so busy.
We bought Adam a teether, dummy clip and a plastic sheet for the floor for him to sit on because the dog walks on the carpet. J and I had spent days carefully preparing what should be said and the diplomatic way to put it.
After we had finished tea I asked her whether approaching me meant reconciliation between us. She said that she did not think it was possible. I explained that it would be very difficult to form a relationship with the baby because he was sure to pick up any tension between us and she explained her thoughts. She was prepared to make the effort to be pleasant on these occasions so that he did not pick up an atmosphere.
I said that I would not be happy if we fell out to find myself waiting for perhaps months for her to decide to contact me again. Neither did I enjoy her withdrawal from me when we were together. I intended to be honest, outspoken and would give advice as I normally would although she did not have to take my advice.
I asked why they had decided to approach us and Warden said he had decided it was right for Adam to get to know his grandparents especially since his other grandparents were so far away.
I said we would be happy to see the baby as often as they would allow. He said that with them both working shifts they wanted to be with each other as often as they could. I said I understood this and that how often we saw Adam was entirely up to them. But I wanted to be sure that if we were going to see the baby that there was a chance of making a success of it and that only seeing him once a month was unlikely to be often enough for the baby to get to trust us.
Warden then started to get angry. How often we saw Adam was up to them not us. I said I realised this and I was not trying to lay down terms. I just wanted to be sure that there was a chance of success and did not want to disrupt our lives if there seemed little hope of success.
I asked him not to lose his temper. He said, getting crosser and crosser, that he had gone out of his way to be pleasant to us - had drunk our tea and eaten our cake just to please us. He wasn't going to put up with the past being brought up every time we visited. I said that was not my intention I was just trying to explain our position this time and had no intention of bringing the subject up again and that his loss of temper over the telephone had caused me distress in the past as it was doing now.
Warden then just exploded with anger and started shouting. He had known all along it wasn't a good idea and he was taking Lyssa and Adam home. (Strange when a short time earlier he had said it was all his idea.) Thereupon he picked up the baby and stalked out of the door still shouting. Lyssa looked at us apologetically and said she would be in touch. Off they all went.
Well at least J has seen Warden's reaction. It's very annoying because this has now placed us in a limbo again. I believe that Warden is do everything he can to add fuel to the flames. He doesn’t want a reconciliation and has never done anything to heal the rift between us.

Monday 17 March 1997
As we drove into Garras Wharf Car Park Lyssa and Warden were just walking out, he with the baby on his back. I didn't notice Lyssa but Warden had a great smile on his face as though greeting us as old friends. We both ignored him.
After leaving hairdressers I walked up to meet J.in the Library, taking the cut which has a steep slope, then across to the record shop and through the alley and out opposite Boots. Who should walk out of Boots as I approached but Lyssa. I think she saw me but gave no appearance of having noticed me and we passed in silence.
We have been down here since March 1994 and don't suppose we have seen them (singly or together) on more than about half a dozen occasions. It is Adam's birthday in two days and I had his card with me to post.

Sunday 18th January 1998
Found the following in an article by Dr Raj Persaud in today’s Sunday Telegraph.
‘Newspapers, especially, tend to be libertarian at heart, and the growth of therapy upsets them. Like a good many columnists you could name - tabloid or broadsheet, left or right - Persaud believes that therapy often ignores morality and seeks to make excuses for behaviour which the therapee knows to be wicked. And like the journalists, Persaud thinks the robust old ways, pouring your heart out to a mate over a pint, talking to your family, confiding in a priest - have much to recommend them over paying for an hour of attention from a therapist.’

Sunday 30th August 1998
I wrote the following yesterday and today - but shall not send it to Lyssa.
“I don't understand why it happened and I don't suppose I ever shall. We never talked about what was troubling you and not knowing what has caused our split has been painful to me.
As your mother I shall always love you and only want what makes you happy. My love for you is far too deep for it to end just because your behaviour pains me. I know you are doing what you believe is right for your own peace of mind and if this brings you tranquillity and happiness then I must accept it.
If I were not able to forgive your actions our separation would destroy me but because I love you so much I find I can forgive. I shall always treasure what we once had. No one can take that away and no one will ever take your place in my heart. The reason for writing now is to let you know that I still love you and have forgiven you.”

Today

I realised, soon after my Lyssa's birth, that I had an extrenely intelligent child with an inquiring mind on my hands, and by the age of five she was asking me what the word ‘paradox’ meant.
Because I was unable to support myself financially for years, making me dependent on my father or husband, I wanted to ensure she was able to support herself and become independent. I felt it was important to start introducing her to reading, art and the natural world at an early age, all of which enthralled her.
This was a time when there was little equality for women in this country and having had my own epiphany when I realised most woman were quite as intelligent and capable as men,  I wanted her to see herself as equal and there were no bounds to what she could achieve so ensured she had both boys and girls toys to play with such a Meccano and other constructive toys.

By the time she was 14 she had decided she wanted to train as a nurse and at 18 chose a London hospital and after qualifying chose the theatre to specialise in and trained at another leading London hospital.
After a few years she decided to work in the country of her birth and shortly after arrival wrote to tell me she had met someone. I was extremely happy that she had met the love of her life and when she asked me to join her for a stay of about 6 weeks I felt extremely positive about the visit. She was 27 and I knew she had always hoped she would meet someone special one day and  marry and have children so I was looking forward to meeting my future son-in-law.
However, as will be seen from the diary entry above, within hours of my arrival I soon became concerned about  his behaviour when he lost his temper when she locked the bathroom door, and he began shouting and ranting at her, asking her why she had bolted the door against him. It was hardly the behaviour of a young man who had met the love of his life and to say I was shocked was an understatement.
As the days passed I began noting other worrying things not least his extreme jealousy and what one would call ‘flying off the handle’ for very little reason however she, anxious to please him, did everything she could to reassure him of her love.

Jealousy and possessiveness are not emotions I amd familiar with or believe are good for a relationship and I would not tolerate them in my own relationship knowing how dangerous they can be, so I was  most concerned about his behaviour in this respect.  I also witnessed Warden's loss of temper several times and noted that he made no apology and appeared to think this was quite acceptable.
During my stay I felt the need to intervene on two occasions - both times when he threatened her with violence in my hearing. I asked her whether he had ever hit her and she said no, not really hit, just pushed her hard. To me even this was unacceptable, and not just because he is much larger than her. Our home had always been a fairly peaceful place and any sort of violence, including raised voices, was something she was not used to.

On one occasion I also overheard him loudly haranguing his mother which concerned me greatly for I had never witnessed a son show such little respect for his mother. I later learnt his mother was an alcoholic and had neglected him when he was a child. It seems clear to me and others who know him that he has issues about his mother which he has never properly dealt with, which accounts for his treatment of my daughter and his lack of understanding the depth of her love a mother has for her children.

I also discovered that he could be aggressively rude and violent one moment and all smiles the next, as though nothing had happened which made me very suspicious. In fact, as I was to discover, while his public face was and is all smiles and pleasantries, his private face and manner within the family could often be very disturbing. I felt he was unbalanced and a bully and the last time I met him, just over 18 months ago my views were not changed.

Despite my reservations I felt it would be wrong for me to intervene between them, after all my daughter was mature and had established herself independently and had lead her own life since she was 18 when she had taken up nursing. I  had said what I had to say  and having expressed my concern about his behaviour felt I could do no more.
I have some understanding of living with someone who is very controlling having married a man with issues with his mother, but realised that expressing my concerns was likely to bring about a breach between my daughter and I, which I was not prepared to risk.
It was clear they were determined to marry and nothing and no one, least of all me, was going to stop them. It did give some relief to be reassured they would not marry until they returned home and would be living there which meant I could give her support if she needed it.

Because of my concerns I discussed them with my husband on my return home and we agreed that despite our reservations there was nothing we could do but accept him as one would a son and hope that as time passed he would mature and with her love, gain better control of what was troubling him.
My husband and I were living in Surrey at the time and on their arrival back in the UK they went to live in ******** and were married and following this and until my husband retired, we saw little of them.

 In 1994 we moved back down to ******** and were soon aware of a distance growing between us and my daughter with  the affection she had once shown us had becoming considerably subdued and restrained.
Eventually there came a break and we began to wonder how it had come about. It was a very painful time for me especially because we had always been very close and I found myself questioning our past together, trying to discover if I was to blame. I knew I was losing her and felt there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Their first child, Adam was born in 1996 and apart from an hour with them the week he was born, at which time I was shocked at my daughter’s drawn appearance, we saw nothing of him until he was a few months old when she arranged to meet me with the baby in a nearby park. We talked and agreed to try to make a go of things and as we parted I told her I loved her and would leave it to her to arrange the next meeting but heard nothing further.

I was not aware at the time that she had been struggling for years to cope with a situation she was not trained to deal with, her husband’s descent into his bipolar illness.

On those occasions, when I phoned to try and affect a reconciliation he always answered and  often, in the background, I could hear my extremely distressed and almost hysterical daughter telling him she didn’t want to speak to me. This behaviour was completely alien to anything I had ever experienced with her. On one occasion he said to me  ‘You are the worst thing to have happened to her since the day she was born!’

Concerned that our grandchild was growing up without knowing the only grandparents he had in this country I felt we had to try to heal the rift and invited them to our home for morning tea.  The visit was tortuous with Warden doing most of the talking and I asked if we could be allowed to see Adam more often.

My husband and I had carefully discussed beforehand what we hoped to achieve and what to say but it was still a very awkward discussion. I didn't want to box them into a corner but did feel Adam should be given the chance to bond with us, his grandparents.

During the meeting I suggested we saw him perhaps once a month and at a time which suited them both. Warden said it was very difficult because they both worked shifts. We said we understood this but were quite prepared for them to arrange  times to suit them but surely once a month could be arranged. At this  Warden stood up suddenly, picked up the baby, and stormed out angrily saying ‘I’ve had enough of this. We’ve sat here and drunk your tea and been polite and now I’ve had enough. We’re leaving.’ And with that he left the house, quickly followed by my daughter who gave us an apologetic look.

If possible, things then went from bad to worse because we saw and heard nothing more of them until their second son Danny was born at which time we were not invited to meet him.

Eventually the pain of living so close to my daughter and our grandchildren became so great that in 2002 we decided to move up country to where my husband‘s family lived, and the nine years which followed were distressing for the little news we had of them came from mutual friends who had once been very close to her but who now saw her rarely.

She and I, to my great joy,  were reunited in 2011 and had little difficulty in returning to our loving, supportive relationship and I have to say how much I admire my wonderful daughter who has gone through hell.
Obviously my view of Warden is a very negative one. Yes, he has bipolar disorder but because of what he has done to her I have no sympathy for him. What do you expect? Why should I excuse him? I save my sympathy for my daughter who has had her children stolen from her by a man who has Parental Alienation Syndrome.