The names of the principles have been changed to avoid identification.
Extracts from the diary of someone who was married to a bipolar husband for over 20 years.
NOTE: This, at times, reads like a horror story and still, in 2014, Lyssa's trials have never been acknowledged by Warden!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
My Diary:
Where to start? My family has been touched by Bipolar, that is to say we are screwed, at least that's how it feels on most days at the moment.
My husband is bipolar. Or according to book I have read recently (Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide)
'My husband has bipolar (disorder).' This is apparently significant when trying to deal with it.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
My Diary:
Today has been a difficult day
I feel like a Winnie the Pooh stick floating down a fast flowing stream, bobbing along, sometimes going under.
What is the point of raging against the world, I can't change anything. I am impotent.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
My Diary:
Quote - It is more courageous to live.
Friday, June 20, 2008
My Diary:
How powerful is not wanting to live?
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
My Diary:
12.56 pm
He is imprisoned by the ghosts of all the fatal accidents he has attended. I am filled with anguish for what he is suffering.
8.41 am
From zombie to prisoner of anxiety and now I realise I'm scared. The future is scary.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
My Diary: Medication
Yesterday his medication regime changed... Today he feels invincible - able to face going for coffee and beginning to think about and talk about work!
What will tomorrow bring? Each day is vastly different.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
My Diary: down down down
The rabbit-hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly that Alice had not a moment to think about stopping herself before she found herself falling down a very deep well.
Friday, July 25, 2008
My Diary: Bad Days
Back to his old ways, uncommunicative, blames me, thinks I'm the root of all problems, passive aggressive, irritable and non-participative.
Sits all day in front of TV and when I come home doesn't make eye contact and tries to look around me so he doesn't miss TV.
It's really hard to keep a positive front. I know logically this is his condition, but I'm feeling so fed up.
The cycle will change soon (I hope) I keep busy, to the point of exhaustion.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
My Diary: Thank goodness
After sleepless nights and much wringing of hands (five days seems like so much longer when it's simply awful) relief that his mood has changed.
Normality reigns, except it’s not normal, since he is so rarely like this. At least today we were able to be a family and do nice things and laugh and talk and enjoy being together. Like an oasis in a desert.
We both agree that the depression is being treated, but not his condition of bipolar. Last week he admits to being manic, but I find it confusing, it hasn't been happy mania, but a wretched self-destructing, hateful mania.
Today I breathe.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
My Diary: Good week
This week has been good; I have been waiting anxiously for fortunes to change. We have even managed to make an appearance at a school event, and he did not appear to bat an eyelid.
I however, at the end of the week, am feeling confused, worried and anxious. How long can a rainbow last?
I wonder now whether he will ever be able to comfort me again? I have to be strong.
Monday, August 4, 2008
My Diary: Intolerant again
Unable to see my point of view, angry with me, I try to argue for myself, to try and be myself, instead of being compliant. I feel confused. I feel lost. He manifests what I see as his bipolar condition subtly changing from the ebullient, gregarious, to the paranoidal, angry one. Yet with the children I see him being patient and sweet.I am more confused. Is he able to put a mask on? Or is it simply my relationship with him that has the problem and not his bipolar condition.
Are we just in that awful part of marriage where nothing fits any more, we have out grown each other, lost true love? Or am I being tricked by this wicked disease. I do not know and feel confusion. I feel as if I need to ask someone who knows, but who? No one really seems terribly interested from the psych side.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
My Diary: Completely Manic
At least the psychiatrist has seen him at a manic stage. He thinks he is invincible and ready to go back to work.
I'm pleased to say the psych talked him down. The children must notice these changes. They don't say as much in words. The difference is very obvious. Things can be quite tense at times.
A phrase I learned from the psych... "Well I would expect you to say that"
As my husband says ... "you can’t argue with a psych"
So we have 5 weeks of new lithium dose.
Much open discussion this evening.
12 hours at a time on the computer and single determination to exhume his family tree.
He put it to the psych that if everyone was like him, can you imagine the work and good deeds that could be accomplished?
Thursday, August 14, 2008
My Diary: Good week
I have been on annual leave this week, and it really has been pleasant. I spent the weekend really stressing at starting a break. I found it hard to unwind. But once I did, I have really relaxed. I think that I have been so worried and stuck on a treadmill of work/school/bipolar routine that I didn't know how to get off.
The mania has reduced. I still think he is slightly manic. He is beginning to think even more about returning to work. We are able to have good conversations about bipolar and the present/future.
He is still having difficult nights and not coming to bed until the early hours. I believe it feels as if he is on the cusp of coming out of the mania, and I wonder what comes next. The drugs may just stop the deep depressions. The Psych said 5 weeks before any judgements were made.
I am beginning to get my head around realising that my need to know that everything will be alright, to feel that he will protect me, enfold me in his arms and nothing else matters versus the dawn of a new era where this may not/is not possible; is it about me coming to terms with my own history and having no father figure as I grew up?
I still need to do some thinking on that one. I feel that I need to not be needy. And yet people need to feel needed, so will he miss this? Will I miss this? Will I be able to not need this? Will I be able to be stronger?
Should I be stronger?
Too many questions and I'm not sure they are even framed properly.
16 August 2008 (My other blog)
My Diary:
1st entry:
I have taken 2 weeks annual leave this summer and it has shown me how free time is linked with art. I have been inspired. I just know that at the moment I can’t afford to leave my job. I would love to do the degree in fine art.
One day… one day.
2nd entry:
I’ve signed up for September’s classes and got in! £65 for 10 and £15 for material, but I’m so excited… it’s definitely worth it. I can’t stop thinking about it and am furiously plotting what I want to do, cutting out clippings, taking photos and filling up my sketch book.
Monday, August 18, 2008
My Diary: Dismal day
I hate it that women are slaves to their hormones just as men are slaves to their sex organs.
A day of sluggishness and inactivity, of guilt and repression.
On realising that I'm probably due on and therefore being ruled by my hormones, I get 'Oh God well that’s the week down the pan' I felt so dismal. Is that how he sees this helpless state.
I went through all of his ups and downs, diagnosis and treatment, illness and wellness and have not recriminated him once for the terrible times. I have tried to support, understand, comfort and cherish. And then this is my payback. No comforting cuddle, bunch of flowers bought or spoiling of me. Ho Hum. Is this my fault? Probably, we are the results of our own actions or non-actions.
On another note, he is seeing both psych and work Dr tomorrow. He has remained on manic high, full of bonhomie. Until today when I notice little tell-tale signs, lack of patience, aggression with dog, slight withdrawal, which indicates the move from one state to another. This is all so slight that probably someone who did not know him would not recognise them. But I do. It is a burden. I wish I could just zone out... forever.
Friday, August 22, 2008
My Diary: Psych update
She intimated that possibly he might not be able to work. Very scary future. How will we survive?
I need to think about increasing my hours.
He still wants to go back to work. Good, but it is scary how this choice/decision sits with the psych. We are flotsam once again. The future was beginning to look lighter; now yet another cloud looms on the horizon. How much more can I take? There is no end. It is endless. Even the worst shift at work comes to an end... but this?
It's like an endless water illusion in the desert.
Out flew the web and floated wide;
The mirror crack'd from side to side;"The curse is come upon me," cried The Lady of Shalott.excerpt - Tennyson, 1842My Diary:
Where to start? My family has been touched by Bipolar, that is to say we are screwed, at least that's how it feels on most days at the moment.
My husband is bipolar. Or according to book I have read recently (Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide)
'My husband has bipolar (disorder).' This is apparently significant when trying to deal with it.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
My Diary:
Today has been a difficult day
I feel like a Winnie the Pooh stick floating down a fast flowing stream, bobbing along, sometimes going under.
What is the point of raging against the world, I can't change anything. I am impotent.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
My Diary:
Quote - It is more courageous to live.
Friday, June 20, 2008
My Diary:
How powerful is not wanting to live?
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
My Diary:
12.56 pm
He is imprisoned by the ghosts of all the fatal accidents he has attended. I am filled with anguish for what he is suffering.
8.41 am
From zombie to prisoner of anxiety and now I realise I'm scared. The future is scary.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
My Diary: Medication
Yesterday his medication regime changed... Today he feels invincible - able to face going for coffee and beginning to think about and talk about work!
What will tomorrow bring? Each day is vastly different.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
My Diary: down down down
The rabbit-hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly that Alice had not a moment to think about stopping herself before she found herself falling down a very deep well.
Friday, July 25, 2008
My Diary: Bad Days
Back to his old ways, uncommunicative, blames me, thinks I'm the root of all problems, passive aggressive, irritable and non-participative.
Sits all day in front of TV and when I come home doesn't make eye contact and tries to look around me so he doesn't miss TV.
It's really hard to keep a positive front. I know logically this is his condition, but I'm feeling so fed up.
The cycle will change soon (I hope) I keep busy, to the point of exhaustion.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
My Diary: Thank goodness
After sleepless nights and much wringing of hands (five days seems like so much longer when it's simply awful) relief that his mood has changed.
Normality reigns, except it’s not normal, since he is so rarely like this. At least today we were able to be a family and do nice things and laugh and talk and enjoy being together. Like an oasis in a desert.
We both agree that the depression is being treated, but not his condition of bipolar. Last week he admits to being manic, but I find it confusing, it hasn't been happy mania, but a wretched self-destructing, hateful mania.
Today I breathe.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
My Diary: Good week
This week has been good; I have been waiting anxiously for fortunes to change. We have even managed to make an appearance at a school event, and he did not appear to bat an eyelid.
I however, at the end of the week, am feeling confused, worried and anxious. How long can a rainbow last?
I wonder now whether he will ever be able to comfort me again? I have to be strong.
Monday, August 4, 2008
My Diary: Intolerant again
Unable to see my point of view, angry with me, I try to argue for myself, to try and be myself, instead of being compliant. I feel confused. I feel lost. He manifests what I see as his bipolar condition subtly changing from the ebullient, gregarious, to the paranoidal, angry one. Yet with the children I see him being patient and sweet.I am more confused. Is he able to put a mask on? Or is it simply my relationship with him that has the problem and not his bipolar condition.
Are we just in that awful part of marriage where nothing fits any more, we have out grown each other, lost true love? Or am I being tricked by this wicked disease. I do not know and feel confusion. I feel as if I need to ask someone who knows, but who? No one really seems terribly interested from the psych side.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
My Diary: Completely Manic
At least the psychiatrist has seen him at a manic stage. He thinks he is invincible and ready to go back to work.
I'm pleased to say the psych talked him down. The children must notice these changes. They don't say as much in words. The difference is very obvious. Things can be quite tense at times.
A phrase I learned from the psych... "Well I would expect you to say that"
As my husband says ... "you can’t argue with a psych"
So we have 5 weeks of new lithium dose.
Much open discussion this evening.
12 hours at a time on the computer and single determination to exhume his family tree.
He put it to the psych that if everyone was like him, can you imagine the work and good deeds that could be accomplished?
Thursday, August 14, 2008
My Diary: Good week
I have been on annual leave this week, and it really has been pleasant. I spent the weekend really stressing at starting a break. I found it hard to unwind. But once I did, I have really relaxed. I think that I have been so worried and stuck on a treadmill of work/school/bipolar routine that I didn't know how to get off.
The mania has reduced. I still think he is slightly manic. He is beginning to think even more about returning to work. We are able to have good conversations about bipolar and the present/future.
He is still having difficult nights and not coming to bed until the early hours. I believe it feels as if he is on the cusp of coming out of the mania, and I wonder what comes next. The drugs may just stop the deep depressions. The Psych said 5 weeks before any judgements were made.
I am beginning to get my head around realising that my need to know that everything will be alright, to feel that he will protect me, enfold me in his arms and nothing else matters versus the dawn of a new era where this may not/is not possible; is it about me coming to terms with my own history and having no father figure as I grew up?
I still need to do some thinking on that one. I feel that I need to not be needy. And yet people need to feel needed, so will he miss this? Will I miss this? Will I be able to not need this? Will I be able to be stronger?
Should I be stronger?
Too many questions and I'm not sure they are even framed properly.
16 August 2008 (My other blog)
My Diary:
1st entry:
I have taken 2 weeks annual leave this summer and it has shown me how free time is linked with art. I have been inspired. I just know that at the moment I can’t afford to leave my job. I would love to do the degree in fine art.
One day… one day.
2nd entry:
I’ve signed up for September’s classes and got in! £65 for 10 and £15 for material, but I’m so excited… it’s definitely worth it. I can’t stop thinking about it and am furiously plotting what I want to do, cutting out clippings, taking photos and filling up my sketch book.
Monday, August 18, 2008
My Diary: Dismal day
I hate it that women are slaves to their hormones just as men are slaves to their sex organs.
A day of sluggishness and inactivity, of guilt and repression.
On realising that I'm probably due on and therefore being ruled by my hormones, I get 'Oh God well that’s the week down the pan' I felt so dismal. Is that how he sees this helpless state.
I went through all of his ups and downs, diagnosis and treatment, illness and wellness and have not recriminated him once for the terrible times. I have tried to support, understand, comfort and cherish. And then this is my payback. No comforting cuddle, bunch of flowers bought or spoiling of me. Ho Hum. Is this my fault? Probably, we are the results of our own actions or non-actions.
On another note, he is seeing both psych and work Dr tomorrow. He has remained on manic high, full of bonhomie. Until today when I notice little tell-tale signs, lack of patience, aggression with dog, slight withdrawal, which indicates the move from one state to another. This is all so slight that probably someone who did not know him would not recognise them. But I do. It is a burden. I wish I could just zone out... forever.
Friday, August 22, 2008
My Diary: Psych update
She intimated that possibly he might not be able to work. Very scary future. How will we survive?
I need to think about increasing my hours.
He still wants to go back to work. Good, but it is scary how this choice/decision sits with the psych. We are flotsam once again. The future was beginning to look lighter; now yet another cloud looms on the horizon. How much more can I take? There is no end. It is endless. Even the worst shift at work comes to an end... but this?
It's like an endless water illusion in the desert.
Out flew the web and floated wide;
Today the change started - meanness, testiness and intolerance. I hope the tabs pick up.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
My Diary: He slept on the sofa last night. Still not talking.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
My Diary: Black Monday Tuesday
I discovered he has been having an online affair since 20 August 2008 with his first ever girlfriend who now lives in Canada.
He wants us to split, with him living in a guest room.
He has been researching flights to Canada and living there. (And is planning to take our children with him.) He does not see the pain this is causing me.
When I discovered this we discussed this at length. He was at pains to be totally honest with me. He clears the internet history.
He is still communicating with her.
My note: I sought the advice of his psychiatrist, our GP, the family liaison officer, the family intervention officer for the Police, my doctor and my solicitor and they agreed the children were at risk from Warden’s erratic bipolar behaviour if he were to be allowed to have unsupervised access to the children. His psychiatrist advised him against making any life changing decisions such as moving to Canada.
September 2008
From his statement to the Court in February 2013: My counselling and teacher training began in September 2008 and concludes in July 2014.
Friday, September 5, 2008
My Diary:
We spoke last night
I felt sliced open by his vitriol.
He poured sulphuric acid over me, my feelings and my life.
He is killing me.
He talked about wanting to empty the accounts and run away.
That I don't understand him.
That I am selfish.
That I am nasty, miserable and a curse to him.
That 'she' understands him.
That there are so many people out there with tragic stories, that he can help. That he wants to show them that
they are not alone. He can pour oil and unguents over their despair. What about me?
That would be selfish.
Killing me Softly
Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life, with his words
Killing me softly with his song
I heard he sang a good song
I heard he had a style
And so I came to see him and listen for a while
And there he was this young boy
A stranger to my eyes
Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life, with his words
Killing me softly with his song
I felt all flushed with fever
Embarrassed by the crowd
I felt he found my letters and read each one out loud
I prayed that he would finish
But he just kept right on
Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life, with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
He sang as if he knew me
In all my dark despair
And then he looked right through me as if I wasn't there
And he just kept on singing
Singing clear and strong
Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life, with his words
Killing me softly with his song
(Song composed by Charles Fox with lyrics by Norman Gimbel.)
My Diary:
The darkest hour is just before the dawn.
Long night for him, he spent talking to her. On the phone too.
I woke and he confronted me with snooping his emails.
Huge blow-up. So terrifying in its finality. Words spat, divorce shouted, I raged at the lack of honesty, he raged too. Terror at the outcome. Both raw. Him angry, me frightened that we had lost any kind of communication.
I retreated to the bedroom to lick my wounds.
Spent an hour of agonising debilitating anguish and fear. Staring at a big black hole full of ice and nothingness and death.
Finally decided to try to mend and get some communication. Try to work towards some practicalities.
He was receptive, surprisingly so and we spent the next half hour talking calmly about the end of our marriage.
How to handle it, completely rational?! Decision making. Focus on finances.
And then I let him go, emotionally I gave him my peace and told him I would let him free. How can I dictate what another does. He didn't intentionally go out to do this. He is just as traumatised as I. All we want is peace.
He is now beginning to feel the guilt. Question his actions.
I have taken the pressure off him and he is beginning now to think rationally.
We did much talking today. I love him, will always love him.
At the moment he wants his cake and eat it.
We are to arrange to see GP, Solicitor.
We have some strange, delicate truce. Charged with honesty.
It is honesty that won through.
Honesty is the greatest power a human possesses next to love.
Monday, September 8, 2008
My Diary: 10.35 am
Where does the pain come from?
Where does the pain actually come from?
Is it loneliness, fear of loneliness?
Disappointment in him, in me?
Sense of betrayal?
Fear of what will happen? The future?
What can I do with this information?
I have the option to sit at home feeling sorry for myself, which is okay now and then, but I also have the power to begin rebuilding my life even while I am still healing.
The pain is tangible; it sits like a great coiling snake in my chest, heavy and weighting me down. I feel nauseous most of the time.
Pain
Ill health
Pain can be so intense that it can make you physically ill. Any existing medical condition could worsen and you need to take extra care of yourself. Keep in regular touch with your G.P. When your body is trying to deal with the emotional turmoil, there is little energy left to fight off any illness. Try to consider this particularly if you are instigating the proceedings.
Pain is inevitable
Continuing to suffer is only an option. Although it may be difficult to perceive at this stage, your goal is to let go of this terrible pain. How can this be done? By 'forgiving' your spouse. You do not have to do this personally; you are allowing yourself to 'forgive' in order to say goodbye with love. 'Forgive' yourself too for any part in this. It may be too early on your journey to contemplate this but try to revisit this section later. Keep this as a future goal no matter how ridiculous it may seem to you now.
A closed heart
Try not to leave with a closed heart as you will need an open heart to appreciate your new life and its new possibilities. When love is present, life works. Try to remember the love that existed once. You were once loved, called beloved. Remember how it felt. Plan to feel like this again. You once lived in this state of love but now your pain is causing you to withdraw. This hurt is making you closed to the possibility of love and happiness. Attempt to look for something positive each day. Gratitude is so valuable.
Looking back without pain
There will be a time when you remember the love that existed without feeling this pain. You must not close off this former life; it is part of who you are. Your memories may be painful now but after time, they will be just happy memories again. Do not destroy your photos and mementos. You may want to see them when you are not hurting so much. If you have children, they will want to see them too as this is part of them. They do not belong to you alone; they are part of both of you and hurt when the other parent is criticised.
Regaining self-confidence
Gradually the pain of separation will begin to decrease and you will start to establish new routines. Be patient and try to be kind to yourself and others. Your judgement will probably be impaired at this stage, just when you have to make so many important decisions. But just as in other stages, you have to attempt to move on. Your self-confidence and self-esteem will gradually grow. Each person takes a different amount of time to achieve this. This is the time to contemplate the future and try to reach agreements. Keep communication open, however painful this may be for you. Step back and reflect. You have come a long way. It will get easier. You are not alone and we are always here to help.
10.51 am
How to get over divorce in 21 days...
Interesting article (web address)
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
My Diary: F*** !
I'm not even sure I can begin to accurately describe the happenings over the last week and a half. Suffice to say words cannot express how we have been to hell and back and I think I even might still be there.
The world has been turned upside down.
We have shouted screamed, cried, begged, sulked, been despondent, incandescent with rage.
I have been through so many emotions.
He wants a divorce and separation immediately.
I think this is a manifestation of his illness. He has no insight.
She (in Canada) is encouraging him.
I am lost, alone, frightened.
The children are bewildered. My eldest has had his own share of worrying.
The psych won’t talk to me so as not to break trust with my husband.
He has forbidden me to discuss with his health team.
I have talked him down to a separation.
I hid the passports of children as I was frightened he would try to leave country with them.
The future is non-existent.
I am coping with day to day activities. The smallest thing can cause me excessive anxiety as I have reached my peak of troubles.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
My Diary:
6.47 am
Pandora's Box
The box has been opened. All that remained in Pandora's Box was hope.
Hope.
6.49 am
Strange calmness
It is as if we have reached the eye of the storm. Those strange fleeting moments when the wind stops raging.
I feel battered. I can no longer think.
He seems calm and ready for me to come to his next psych consult!
How strange. What next in this surreal world.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
My Diary: For myself
I realise I need to keep hold of my own sanity.
I went to GP last week at the end of my tether. He offered to speak to the Psych. I called for some drugs to help and he agreed.
The psych visit was this week. Warden decided not to have me go. I think he did a lot of frank talking. The psych is not hopeful for his return to work in the immediate future. There seems to be little that they are doing... no offer of advice, just listening and trying to keep him on the tabs. He admitted that he wants to leave. Leave everything, his job, the country, which would mean his family.
I feel that I have lost him. He admitted as much to me in the car before work. He said he had 'gone' years ago.
I was very depressed yesterday.
How has it all come to this?
Then I had time for thinking in the evening and I realised or rather it was just dawning on me that he IS mentally ill. I'm not sure how I have allowed this to be hidden from my mind. But I think the mind plays tricks. I don't think I have really allowed myself to think this. I have known him for so many years and it is only just dawning on me almost a year after he has been diagnosed ... that he is sick.
God I can’t believe that this is only just dawning in my mind.
It might help me change my thought processes, so felt like a seminal moment.
Light dawns
He is sick.
It is a chemical imbalance.
He will always be sick.
I have to adjust my thoughts and hopes for the future.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
My Diary:
12.39 am
Sunshine
Maybe hope was left in the corner of the box. This morning he is gorgeous. Lovely, the man I married, thoughtful, loving and able to talk. He even put his wedding ring back on. He seems to have insight. He does seem a little high, and he wondered how I managed to stay with him. Love is powerful. As I left for work I prayed it would last until I got home.
12.46 am
I just checked back over the posts. The last time there was a similar occasion was August 14th.
That feels like an eternity, but I guess it is only a matter of just over a month.
Friday, September 26, 2008
My Diary: Back to square one
The best of days only lasted 48 hours. Ah well. And according to him I totally misinterpreted that time. Yes, I thought we were getting somewhere in getting back together, but in his mind we were just making the best of things. So tonight we have amicably agreed to separate in the house.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
My Diary: Tetchy day
Today he is going up and down.
Tetchy and intolerant. Sometimes tempered with insight. Makes me feel very uneasy.
He has bought a car. Says it will be his and I need to get my own.
Very controlling or trying to be controlling. I am tired. I am switching off. I can’t take any more today. This seems to aggravate him more. Welcome the daze of valium.
27 September 2008
(From other blog) Entry 1
I found out it was him not me - It took me 17 years. It made me feel anguished.
How I did it: After the last few years of self-doubt and low self-esteem I found out something to do with his health that made the jigsaw puzzle slot into place. We are trying an amicable (just) separation. I am beginning to feel stronger. I have to take each day as it comes.
Lessons & tips: Believe in yourself. Don't be bowed down by the strength of others.
2nd entry:
[In reply to someone.] Thank you so much for giving words of comfort at this time. I am in utter anguish, so your understanding has immense meaning to me. He has bipolar and it is wretched.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
My Diary: Separate
He has moved, lock stock and two smoking barrels into the spare room. We are to live separate lives under the one roof. He admitted that he had a funny turn last night, a kind of faint or pass out. I have no doubt he is experiencing extremes of stress. He says that I, the house and his family are killing him. He demands a divorce.
He will not hear anything else. We spent sometime today (I tried to put it off because I found things like this with him so stressful) discussing how things would be finances etc. He says that he is trying to be fair, but I am left feeling that all is not well. If I have to go through solicitors it will be thousands.
I need more sand to bury my head in.
Monday 29 September 2008:
My Diary: Keep track of my successes:
I am going back to pottery classes tonight. Ultimate stress buster for 2 hrs.
Start thinking of the positives, no matter how small, they are still successes.
I made the boys packed lunches last night, so no panic this morning.
I managed to focus myself to be able to do some good work.
I have remembered the kitten needs to go to the Vet.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
My Diary: Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde
After long weekend and dismal Monday, with bitter aloes from him. I went out in the evening and returned to Dr Jekyll. I think that because he stopped some of his tablets from Friday, he had a massive reaction. He is on the up now.
His spending is worrying - new car, new number plate, white goods. He thinks of course this is all OK.
He is agreeing to slow down the separation process and even wants to spend small amounts of time with me.
But on his terms.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
My Diary: Plenty of advice today Today I have felt remarkably calm. I think my anxiolytics are finally kicking in. So much so that I found myself recalling and discussing the recently extremely emotional painful events with no sense of needing to break down and cry. I feel stronger for that. I feel more in control. I am beginning to like this semi-separation.
Advice has ranged from how to ensure the children are OK, to me thinking about the rights and wrongs and encouraged to make some decision. Good advice on not getting hung up on finances and more good advice on family therapy for the children, learning to breathe and to protect.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
My Diary: Invitation Came home today to find invitation from the Psych to come to the next appointment. I wonder what will happen?
I am still remarkably calm and tired.
He is fretting that things seemed to have cooled down with the person he was having an internet/phone affair. I am not really surprised. I think he is and it has thrown him. Strangely I feel sorry for him.
He has been depressed today he told me. I cannot imagine what his life is like. I think he must be very frightened. When I have asked him he has denied.
We talked about going back to work. He feels that the stress could be a trigger for him to act with aggression. I wondered why he feels so much anger, probably could be tracked back to his difficult childhood and teenage years, or is it a chemical thing.
Monday, October 6, 2008
My Diary: All Quiet on the Western Front Except for the spending sprees. I found a list today that included sofa, tattoo...
He has now completely changed his body clock. Awake all night and sleeps during the day. Thus I guess he gets to converse with the Americas and not be with his family during the day. He said it suits him. We see Psych tomorrow and I'm really not quite sure what I expect to happen. Perhaps she will discuss the future, or lack of future. It would be good if she told me how to handle things, but I know she won't.
It will be about how he was. She is very capable of saying lots and yet saying nothing. I always feel I come away with a good sense of feeling and yet when I think back, there has been nothing constructive.
On another note my tabs are making me feel like Zombie today.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
My Diary:
12.11 pm Last night I felt as if a knife went through my heart. I can still feel it now every time I breathe in.
I came across him sleeping next to his laptop. The screen saver had appeared and it was a head and shoulders portrait of her. I went out and when I came back he was on the phone to her parents who live in this country. He didn't break the conversation off and I was able to hear him describe how to them the break-up of our relationship, telling them about how 'sensitively' he was handling things with the boys. I realise he is ill. It doesn’t help.
6.29 pm
Just got back from the psych visit
What a session! The Psych was lovely, she really seemed to have the measure of the situation. She summed up and was able to draw on my experiences. He, however, went through a whole range of emotions, trying to cajole, joke, intimidate, get angry. I was very frank, so was he. The psych made no bones about how ill he was. She tried to talk sense to him, by describing how normal fathers are to their children, not just wanting to run away.
She asked a lot of questions about our marriage. My interpretation seemed to incense him. She finally decided that he needs some tranquillisers and wanted to get him to agree. He did in the end, but I think just the term 'tranquilliser' conjured up images of enormous syringes and ketamine and him being a zombie with drool coming out of his mouth. He was quite anti to start. Whether he does agree to take them and take them consistently remains to be seen.
For myself I was so relieved that the Psych could see what the family is going through. She seemed to understand how wrong things are. She was also concerned about the children. She asked me directly if I was frightened of him. The answer was yes. It was difficult. She asked him if he knew this - he did. After the appointment he seemed hesitant. I asked if he would like to go for coffee. We did, but I felt very awkward. His emotions had been so high in that room, and we had been so very frank that I felt almost any topic was contentious. So we just drank our coffee and thought our thoughts to ourselves. Walking back to go home he seemed strange in that he almost wanted me to stay and not go and kept inviting me into shops. At the last moment before we parted he agreed not to make any life changing decisions until the psych told him he was better. We shook hands and left.
I'm not sure where we go from here. Just as always as it seems at the moment, just take one day at a time.
She asked me directly if I was frightened of him. The answer was yes. It was difficult. She asked him if he knew this - he did.
My Diary: Unsettled I feel very unsettled after all that he has revealed in the Psych office yesterday. He was so vehemently negative about me and our relationship, to the point that it drove him instantly angry. Even though the psych urged him not to make any life changing decisions I feel that today this will have little effect in the future. In the words of Dad's Army 'We're Doomed!'
There was an interesting point in the office when he correlated how he was feeling now, to the feelings he had when he was 17 and felt so hurt and stressed that he walked out on his family. Life is repeating itself, and I find it hard to believe that he doesn’t understand that unless he sorts out his feelings for what went on then, life is set to repeat itself. I feel nauseous this morning, the tabs do that sometimes. I am only just beginning to come to terms with how badly he thinks of me and our relationship. I feel sad and lost.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
My Diary: Quiet time After the psych visit things have been a little different. He has mellowed a little, been part of the family a little more, given me more cuddles and generally been more loving. I'm not sure if this is due to the things the Psych said and his thought processes following or just part of a phase of Bipolar. He hasn't got the tranquillisers yet and I wonder if he is trying to self-regulate so he doesn't have to take them. I hope he does take them. I don't think he will be able to self-regulate for long.
He told me he tried for a normal bedtime and went to bed at 10pm. He said he woke at 5am. The Psych mentioned how laudable he could seem to others and I don't know if he is just trying to pull the wool over my eyes.
Instead of feeling good I feel anxious, which in turn I hate because I should just be enjoying this respite.
Friday, October 10, 2008
My Diary: Tranquillisers He took one last night and this morning. Very subdued. I think he may have spent all day in bed. He seems depressed. He says he has no feelings. He disappeared for two hours this evening.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
My Diary: It transpires that the new tablets are knocking him out. He is very subdued, but adamant that he has his head straight and that he wants to remain separated from me. My mind is playing horrible games and won't stop me thinking about that awful woman he keeps contacting, that he is infatuated with.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
My Diary: Always trust your intuition I know he has more secrets, I can just feel it. I interrupted him on the phone this evening and he was uncomfortable. I wonder if he is planning to move out. I feel pole-axed.
Monday, October 13, 2008
My Diary: This morning I feel like throwing the towel in. I feel down and beaten.
I don't know the future because he seems to hold all the irrational keys. I can't prepare the children, because I don't know. It is a sad dark day.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
My Diary: He's going down Like the Titanic, huge depression. He sought advice from the CPN about the tranquillisers, and they said give it a couple of weeks. He is very angry, irritable and generally quite beastly. He is best off in his lair. He has been hard on the children, who really don't understand. When I got home from work he told me what he was feeling, how bad a state he was in. But he wanted no sympathy or comfort. He wants to be on his own.
I am beginning to come round to the thought of him moving out. It might give people peace and I might feel less jumpy and more able to relax without him around.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
My Diary: Coming home I really dread coming home at the end of the day. I never know what I am going to find. Just when you are at your most exhausted and vulnerable all you need is to be greeted with a tirade of problems that he thinks are your fault.
Just as today I had to listen to issues with the cat, the dog, not locking the back door, not having a car, him buying me a crappy £800 car, him not making packed lunches for the children any more, his separation and finally- don't make him angry, because you won't like him angry. The children were upset, bemused, adaptive in their behaviour to appease. I felt numb. I couldn't and can't talk to him. I find myself shutting down.
I read on a forum for families of manic depressives something that struck a chord. You can't make them better. They have to go their own way. Their choice to take meds, or not. Their choice to leave, or not.
My choice is to protect my children, me and the home.
Friday, October 17, 2008
My Diary: Night into morning The mood of last night just carried on into the morning. Here I am at work, anxious, sick and I don't know what.
He insists of controlling my and the children's lives. Even on the route they take to walk to different destinations. He is unbending and tyrannical. I know I need to get seek support for the children like family therapy. I find it hard to do because family business is so private. It's like having your dirty washing put out on the line, and yet I know I need to seek help for them.
Help.
Monday, October 20, 2008
My Diary: Inside Someone said to me today - I think they were trying to give me words of comfort - ‘He's in there somewhere, the man you married is still in there.' But I'm not so sure. He is still in his own self-inflicted withdrawal. Living in his cell.
And I am both angry and depressed. I feel rejected. I wondered what I would feel if he told me he didn't love me anymore. Relieved? Set free? Lost? Alone?
The credit card bill has materialised. I can guess the level of his spending from his last manic phase.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
My Diary: Alone I feel so isolated this morning. So alone. He remains in his room. We can't have said more than two or three sentences since last week. I ache with emotion.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
My Diary: This morning Just before I woke, I had a dream where everything was back to normal. He was back to a loving tender husband. Cuddling me, laughing and enjoying being together. Then just as all dreams do it faded and I woke. It took a couple of minutes to realise that that was not reality and that reality was actually a living nightmare.
He is non-communicative, brusque and makes me feel as if I have done something wrong. It is a very uncomfortable atmosphere. I want to talk to him, just to chat would even be nice. I long for a cuddle.
Friday, October 24, 2008
My Diary: Coming back up At last, he has started talking again. Each time this happens I am relieved. I am beginning to seek comfort from the fact that this is cyclical and just a phase. I try to keep reminding myself it is part of the illness. It's just that the longer it goes on my ability to see reason starts to become skewed. He bought three large pieces of furniture, so that's another clue to the mania returning.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
My Diary: Almost back to normal Saturday and today have been an oasis in the desert. He has been great. It's like the real man is inside and has come out. He is lucid, lovely and able to discuss all things without the paranoia. He thinks it could be down to the latest drug change to Seroquel. He even said he feels there might be light at the end of the tunnel. I am relieved to have a break in this hurricane.
It is a relief to know that he IS in there after all. I was really beginning to doubt that.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
My Diary: Descent After the highs of the weekend, and Monday, he started to descend yesterday afternoon. This morning no kissing allowed. The Psych had increased his Seroquel dosage, it seemed to be an enzyme, and now there is a slow release version that will hopefully combat his tiredness.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
My Diary: Complete U Turn Well, I have been amazed, the downturn of yesterday morning faded away and he returned as wonderful as ever. I was completely bowled over. He had a very successful Psych visit, followed by GP. And I am almost daring to allow myself a glimmer of hope that the new drugs are working.
I'm crossing my fingers and toes. We had a couple of wobbly moment. He tells me he has changed significantly, which I do believe, and that I need to get to know the things that really challenge him. He understands that I haven't changed and we tried to discuss.We, I believe, are trying to be very honest.
He even put his wedding ring back on. He told me the online affair is over and that he recognises it as part of his illness.
What next I wonder?
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
My Diary: Mania Rules - Not OK Well after the lull comes the hypomania and it has burst upon us like an overripe tomato.
He speaks so fast and when I try to check what he has said he flies into a fury. He seems aware of what is happening later as he is full of remorse for flying off the handle to the boys. His serum Lithium level was only 0.2 and the GP gave him a hard time questioning if he was even taking the tablets. I feel that he is, but really who knows?
He went into work with sick note and was paranoid about the discussion he had with his line manager. He seems to think the future is very bleak. Last night I was overwhelmed and went to bed. I am fearful that despite my levelling tablets I might just shutdown.
The house next door is for sale and he approached them and asked if they ever considered renting it out to give him first option. Yet again I felt that sinking feeling, followed by thoughts of relief that if he wasn't at home, how relaxed it would all be.
The CPN was very worried apparently and wants to see him again in a week. Apparently he won’t be seeing the Psych again since this was not ever the plan of care. No one really seems to know the plan of care. Just waiting for a miracle.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
My Diary: Wrath He is so angry with me. Last night I asked him if he was truly taking Lithium in the light of his blood level being so low. He completely lost the plot. I was trapped in a room with him ranting and raving. He managed to stop himself from scatting the room, which I guess shows a degree of restraint.
The tirade continued into the kitchen, it was relentless. I went to my bedroom and sobbed.
No change this morning. He is resentful at driving me to work. (Bike at garage for repairs). Looking at the tariff £10.50 I guess I will drive myself in future. It's just not worth the angst.
I feel s**t, I missed my tablets, I can't concentrate, I want to cry and curl up in a ball.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
My Diary: Spinning out The last few days have seen him very buoyant, not sleeping and spinning out. Last night he talked non-stop for an hour and would have gone on more, if I had not had to go out. He is experiencing oedema on ankles.
I am very worried about him; he will surely fall into exhaustion. How long body can a human body take the relentless passage of mania, not sleeping?
Today he has been called to see his occupational health doctor. What will transpire? I am worried about how he will appear. He is getting closer to losing his job and I think that in this state this is what he wants. I don't think he should be seeing anyone from work in his present condition, because it will only be detrimental.
Late this pm he then sees his CPN. Wish it could be the other way around.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
My Diary: Funny how things move on Like an endless tide rolling and bashing against the shore. Just like rocks I am being ground down. My feelings of wanting this all to work out are diminishing. Now all I want is the tyranny of Bipolar to be over.
I see I haven't written here in over a week. Every evening I came home I have been met with a tirade of what’s wrong with the housekeeping, the children, and my discipline of them. He turned our eldest child’s bedroom upside down because he wanted to teach him lesson on how hard we have to work in life to keep a nice house. Last week he tried being the army drill sergeant when the children had to wake up. If they were slow out of bed he threatened with a cup of cold water.
I realise that I want this to stop. Someone said today that it is almost as if this condition has given him permission to behave appallingly. I agree.
December 2008:
My Diary: Warden examined Adam’s room and thought it a mess and wrecked the room. The previous week he had roused the children like a sergeant major and also regularly stated ‘Don’t make me angry because you won’t like me angry.’
Monday, December 8, 2008
My Diary: I've left him. I can't quite believe it really, and am full of self-doubt. The final straw was him expecting me to take out a joint loan to cover all his spending. £13000 on egg card. I stuck to my guns, went to work and fell to pieces. I realise how close to the edge I have been.
He lost my dog at the cliffs at Cligga, somehow, not sure of the truth. I went and looked for her and in an amazing piece of good luck found her after 4 hours.
The GP, my councillor, my family and friends, all think I have made right decision. The children have taken it very, very hard. It is this that makes me doubt the sanity of what I have done. He has planted seed of doubt by saying to me ‘so you see it as fit to remove the boys from everything they know and love if it gives them security?’
He signed contracts on the house next door. Rent £750 a month. He will not be able to afford this and then will expect to move back in. He wanted me to have less money to bills etc. I don't think I could live like that with the knowledge that he is just there, next door, controlling me and the boys and probably me through the boys. He has gone very quiet. I expect him to be mad, and to try something through the courts.
I really did not and do not want the boys to have the rug pulled from under their feet, but his behaviour is as ever erratic. I have to protect my family. I have done only what I think I can do.
My one great failing is not thinking things through, I fear this above all else.
I pray to God I have made the right decision and that the boys will be fine and come to understand why one day.
Wednesday 10th December 2008
My Diary: Warden attempted to take my children from my care, forcing me to call the Police for assistance. The police officers advised him to leave the property and conducted a risk assessment on the children’s safety which resulted in having a Panic Alarm fitted and a review of the property I was staying in to identify where further security should be increased, such as outside lights and locks. Our doctor expressed concern about leaving the children with Warden due to the unpredictable nature of his condition. Following this he could not see that this was his doing and wanted to sue the police for unfair behaviour towards him.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008 My Diary: Peace and Strength
I have lived a lifetime in the space of three weeks. Every day has been a hard slog and battle, with the prize of creating something special for the children.
Today for the first time in a long time I feel confident that I have done the right thing, with this comes a sense of peace and the beginnings of relaxation. I feel stronger and in control of my own life. I had hoped for this and never thought that it could happen.
The last three weeks have shown me that I had reserves I never knew I had. I have stepped through a magical door.
And I have come out still able to communicate with him, and on a much more balance footing. Everyone told me it was the right thing to do, but doing it took enormous strength of thought. I had to reach rock bottom, and I think I was hours away from a complete breakdown.
In a strange way my actions have also helped him, in that he is also now reviewing his condition and where he wants to be in terms of his family.
I can actually say with complete honesty that I am looking forward to Christmas day. I never thought I would be able to say that.
December 27, 2008
My Diary: Different Place I am definitely in a different place. A good place. A place where I feel able to control my own environment. I feel empowered and relaxed at the same time.
