Danny and Lyssa in July 2012
Extracts from the diary and various other sources of someone who was married to a bipolar husband for over 20 years.
2 January 2014
Notes for 20 things you didn't know about me:
20. My first date was to see the film Grease
19. The first alcoholic drink I ever ordered was a Tequilla Sunrise
(because it looked pretty... doh!)
18. I love a mystery
17. My favourite firework is a rocket that crackles and sparkles like a
million diamonds on a dandelion.
16. I love candyfloss
15. My favourite paint colour is Paynes Grey
14. My middle name is 'Jean' after my darling Ma
13. My perfume is Chanel 19
12. I love to 'pay it forward'
11. I adore snow globes and imagine I am in their little world.
10. I enjoy the peacefulness of meditation
9. I want to change my moniker of *************', but can't think of anything I like.
8. I own a potters wheel, but alas no kiln
7. I have to lick my finger if I see a single Magpie
6. Cuddles are very important
5. I tend to believe what people say
4. I once gave Laurie Lee a flu jab and nursed in theatre with Lord Winston.
3. My first car was a Mini 'Rose' and I called her 'Frilly'. I currently have 'Bruno'.
2. I believe in a logical approach, but often opt for intuition.
Actually intuition mostly... I own a pack of Tarot cards :-O
1. I love researching and finding things that others cannot find/see.
5 January 2014
My notes
Create, create, create
Exhausted by trying to eradicate the boys from my head
8 January 2014
My notes
My rage is deep and dark and green: malachite and obsidian green. Writhing like snakes or worse fat slugs slowly turning.
My face is sweet, my lips they smile yet all the while I carry this burden. A pregnant rage.
How do we hold rage?
Ripped from my body,
suckled my breast
Torn from me by man. #haiku
My face is sweet, my lips they smile yet all the while I carry this burden, pregnant rage. Rivulets of thick oily bile run down my legs #rage
How do we hold rage?
Do we embrace it, harbour it, hide it, dice it, chop it, share it, bury it?
Why rage? Why not rage? What is the opposite of rage? Can we live with out it? Is it more than anger? By how much? A millimetre? A second?
How do we measure rage? Pint size, in a quart cup? 20fl? 50cm?
Phew, glad I got that off my chest
8 January
Series of emails between Lyssa and her mother:
To Lyssa
For Depression Treatment, Meditation Might Rival Medication http://news360.com/article/217663824
I know you meditate but thought this might be of interest.
Reply from Lyssa:
It helps me no end.
To Lyssa:
I can imagine because it is about you controlling your thoughts and bring calm to your life. How often do you do it and did you receive any training? Mxxx
Reply from Lyssa:
It fluctuates depending on how I'm feeling. I learned about 'relaxation' years ago and used to practice it to go to sleep. Then I started (years ago) to use it to almost self-hypnotise, it takes you to a sub conscious level, where you feel safe. I'm quite sophisticated at it now.
9 January 2014
My notes
I hate myself therefore my rage is turned in on myself. QED
I feel so fucking frightened. I hate feeling frightened. #fuckanxiety
Lyrics to James blunt song
"I'm so tired of never fixing the pain
Valium said 2 me, I'll take you seriously & we'll come back as someone else who's better than yourself"
11 January:
Email from Lyssa's mother:
Life advice: Never again give up your independence. Love by all means but keep yourself in a place you are comfortable with and where you remain in control. You should be proud of yourself and see what others see. Someone likeable, intelligent, understanding, capable, patient and compassionate with a lovely personality, and who has many skills and experiences to offer the world and those who come in contact with you.
12 January 2014
My notes I want to punish him so badly it hurts. My Ex is a c**t. #sothere #feelbetternow
quote
"Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for your face - I know it's an impossibility, but I cannot help myself." Nicholas Sparks
A quote from a tweeters blog:
"One day
She will come to me
Demanding truth
For all the empty holes
Her intuition
Warned her of
And I
Will be the one
To bring
You down."
13 January 2014
My notes
I'm missing Danny very badly. I just want to hear his voice. Touch him. Look into his eyes. Let him know I still love him. See his love returned.
14 January 2014
[Note: AH is a sobriquet used for Warden]
Email from Lyssa to her mother:
Had this from AH this morning:
Lyssa
Private and personal information relating to Adam and Danny in my weekly Boys' Update emails to you, as the non-resident parent, is information for you as their Mother, and not for you to distort and publish on the Internet. If you continue to do this, all future updates will cease. Warden
Lyssa's mother to Lyssa:
What is he talking about? He truly is an AH.
Lyssa's mother:
It's all about control! If you have not written about his 'Boys Update' anywhere on the net and feel you want to text him you could say 'What on earth are you talking about? We are not married now. Do stop bullying me.' or some such.' He is certainly living up to the soubriquet we have given him - AH! . . . he needs to know he is not 'one who must be obeyed' any longer - I am sure you have read 'She' by Ryder Haggard or if not you then P will. It is time AH knew that anything concerning the health and welfare of the boys must be conveyed to you immediately and, as you say, two weeks later is not good enough. Time is coming when Mr AH will be exposed for what he is. Love you and hope you are OK.
Draft of email to Warden - not sent
You will keep me updated about the wellbeing and progress of the children, as I am entitled, as their mother to know.
Your last email updates of 15/012/13 and Sunday 12th January, have been both insensitive and outrageous.
I have sought legal advice:
If you continue to ‘threaten’ me through written communication and continue failing to comply with the Court Order, I will return to the Court and apply for a ‘non-compliance’ hearing. I feel both harassed and intimidated by your behaviour and language used in emails to me. Please stop
stalking me through the internet.
However, I have the children’s best welfare and interests at heart and have contacted (name) at ******** Children's Services, Family Group Conferencing, to request the reinstatement of the FGC process, a process which:
"put families, children and young people in the centre of decision making where there is a concern about the welfare of the child or young person. It is a model of practice from the Maori community in New Zealand where the extended family network come together to make a safe plan for a child or young person at risk or in difficulty”.
Lyssa to her mother:
I'm making an appointment to see my solicitor, so she can send him letter.
Reply to Lyssa:
Yes. The less you have to do with him the better. He is such an thoroughly objectionably, arrogant man. Displaying all the worst of bipolar. How his wife cannot see through him is a mystery. She has swallowed everything he tells her hook, line and sinker and it makes one wonder what he has said about you. Of course she will believe anything he says. Mxxx
15 January 2014
Notes:
Angry, painful and sad.
16 January 2014
Draft of planned email to Warden - not sent
I'm so proud of myself. I have been dealing with an ongoing situation that would have driven other women to their knees years ago. Instead, my own inner tenacity, survivalist nature and eternal maternal instincts have allowed me start emerging as a stronger woman, who is learning what it is like to no longer be controlled and brow beaten. I no longer tread on eggshells and I smile in the face of his need to still try to control me.
I thank him, because without his emotional terrorism I would not be the powerful, exciting, self-assured, good humoured, alluring woman I am today. I am regaining myself, and embracing what is special about me that has been effectively suffocated for 20 years. The blinkers have been removed from my eyes and I now see the sad, unimpressive, weak emasculated man that he has always been.
Finally, stop stalking me.
17 January 2014
Text to Warden
Warden do not contact me ever again, unless threat of life or limb for the children. The boys and the school know how to contact me.
17 January 2014
Text to boys
Hi Adam, I'm much better now and wanted to let you know you are free to pop into (my address) where I live, when ever you need, waiting for the bus, if you need a drink, the loo or to borrow £5. You have my phone number. Text me anytime you want. I love you. Mum xxx
21 January
From Lyssa's mother:
Whilst, as you know, I am not in the least religious I thought you might be interested in the following. It must all be 'old hat' to you? I have underlined the obvious signs with him.
http://news360.com/article/219659465# Christian Dating: 5 Warning Signs Of An Abusive Man By Dreana Weston | January 20, 2014
Most people who find themselves in a long term relationship with an abusive person, stay because they think they can change them. You can’t change the unhealthy behaviors of an abuser. They have to want to change. The only thing you can do is pray for them, wish them well, and let God do the changing. Your safety should be your number one priority. How do you protect yourself from a dating relationship with a potential abuser? You pay attention to the red flags! Below is a list of behaviors commonly found in abusers. If there is something off, something not right in your dating relationship pay attention to these signs of potential abuse. It can save you time, heartache, and possibly, YOUR LIFE!
Jealousy: If you can’t look at or talk to a member of the opposite sex without generating suspicions of cheating, this is a sign of trouble. Some find this kind of attention flattering. It isn’t so flattering when it gets to the point that you are being alienated from friends, family and work associates. Don’t be flattered, be careful.
Controlling: A control freak is going to keep track of whom you’re with and where you are. Telling you what to wear, picking your friends, Threatening to commit suicide, eventually attempting to control every aspect of your life. Control freaks can become emotionally, verbally and
physically abusive. He will be checking your email account and cell phone to see who you are communicating with, Social media accounts, or maybe even tracking your every move by GPS.
Isolation: They want you all to themselves. He comes on too strong and too quick to begin with. You feel loved and adored because this person wants to spend all their free time with you. It isn’t that they want to spend time with you, they don’t want you spending time with anyone else. This is the person who will eventually isolate you from friends and family. In their mind, you belong to them and time or attention spent on anyone else is a threat to them.
Sensitive: He considers everything you say to be negative criticism. If you share your feelings, opinions, or thoughts, you will be accused of “belittling” him. If you disagree with him, you will be accused of disrespecting him. He’s always the victim in the relationship. Everything is always your fault. Including his abusive behavior. In other words, you don’t have the right to think and form your own beliefs and opinions on life. If you have a healthy self-image and ego, a relationship with this person won’t last long.
Temper: Everyone gets upset sometimes, and that’s okay. It’s all about how you react when you’re upset. If he’s screaming, punching walls, throwing things, yelling insults, or name-calling, that’s not okay. If he can’t express his feelings without throwing a temper tantrum, something’s wrong (and it’s not you). Don’t believe for one second that his temper became an issue when he met you. Dig into his past. Has he had issues with abuse in a previous relationship? If so, this is a major red flag.
If you find yourself avoiding certain conversations, constantly apologizing or making excuses for his behavior then you may be in a dating relationship you should not continue. The goal is to find a new relationship that has a chance of lasting forever. That means paying attention to warning signs and your gut. If something feels wrong, then more than likely something is wrong. - See more at:
http://theprayingwoman.com/2014/01/20/christian-dating-5-warning-signs-of-an-abusive-man/#sthash.H3aBY0YI.dpuf
[Some of the comments on this site sound familiar especially those of Camille, Geena Queen, CJ (on narcissistic abuse), J Lo, Catty Soto.]
27 January 2014
Lyssa to her mother:
We have heat. One of the biggest problems in our new home has been the heating. It isn't centrally heated and until now we have had to rely on a single open fire since my ex is leeching every single penny he can get out of me. I am only able to afford to heat that one room for short periods during the day, mostly the evenings, which, with the state of our finances creates a problem especially with the coldest months still in sight. Now we have just had the Truburn checked out and the chimney swept which was all it really needed but it will also heat the water so we shall make a small saving there, I hope.
30 January
Email to Lyssa:
Have a look at this: http://parentalalienationhelp.org/about-parental-alienation/
I have to say I was stunned when I read it - I don't need to point out it is identical to your situation and Warden's behaviour. I feel like sending a copy to him, his wife, and Adam and virtually everyone including the courts and CAFCASS. Everyone who should know better such as CAFCASS should be made aware of this. How much differently might things have turned out had they known. So much for the experts!!!
Lyssa's rply: OMG I'm flabbergasted!
Saturday 8 February
Lyssa's Diary
Morning meditation: my former husband has successfully achieved the utter alienation of my children from me. I'm still struggling with empathy, validation and civility, the cornerstones of being an adult. I'm exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically.
Stages of Bereavement: Acceptance.
11 February
After being told by Warden that if she really cared about Danny she would have met him at the bus stop while he waited for the bus Lyssa email her mother:
I did go to the bus stop and I did see Danny. He wasn't happy at all to see me. I spent 5 mins telling him I loved him and making small talk. Then I left.
I didn't give him anything. It was wonderful to hold him in my arms, smell his hair and kiss him on the head. I did not expect nor did I have a reception with open arms. But at least I held my composure and let him see I'm well, happy and loved him.
I'm OK. I have a therapy session tomorrow. I feel strong. I feel in control. P. is as worried as you are about any negative effect this may have on my health, so he is watching out for me.
Right I'm metaphorically putting today to bed, so I can concentrate on more pleasant things.
Love from your devoted daughter
Lyssa
13 February
Email to her mother
Just come from dentist. Feeling a bit down. That took up all my reserves today. I'm a bit haunted by his (Warden's) look of pure evil yesterday.
I am feeling very much stronger now, in fact I feel stronger than I have ever felt in my life, and am better able to deal with problems and have also arranged to return to work soon which will hopefully ease all our financial problems since I will then be going back on to full pay.
17 February
Email to my mother
I am getting used to not having the boys in my life. I think it is a survival thing. I am looking forward to getting my life back on track and have been enjoying not having the huge ups and downs created by Warden.
18 February
Her mother's note:
Lyssa was informed last week that Danny was to move school to one in ...... Her ex is supposed to keep her informed of such matters and she decided to take out a court order to prevent it happening until it had come before the court. This was served via the post on her ex and he was expected to make his own statement for the court and send a copy to her.
While she was alone at home yesterday (17th) her ex turned up with a copy of his statement dated 13 February. His appearance on her doorstep rather intimidated her. As usual - double standards on his part - he has always threatened to call the police if she ever calls at his place and she had told him months ago not to call at her home.
She followed this up by going to the school in ...... and who was there when she arrived.? Her ex and his wife. They were there for a tour of the school and hadn't received the court service letter apparently, which Lyssa did not mention. She had a word with the school principal, looked around the school and left.
Anyway she decided she would mention Warden delivering the letter to her home in court because the date of his statement was such that he had plenty of time to post it or he could have pushed it through her letter box. He did neither and without warning appeared unexpectedly at her door!
She appeared in court this morning. I think he did it to intimidate her!
Her email: Just came out. It went very well. The judge ruled a 'no order' since we came to an 'amicable' agreement. Dannyy's change of school will be postponed until after Easter. Fridays he will come home to me for tea, I will take him back to ...... Potentially working up to staying over and getting to know P. I feel very good. Communication was discussed and agreed I would communicate
via Warden's wife.I'm calm and ready to get on with my life. I'm pleased because it has pointed out to the court and Warden that he can't just do this and communication has to be better. Danny was there and was made available for a short walk into town. He didn't really want to do it, but whatever, I made the most of it.
23rd March 6:30
I can still exert my right to be treated as an equal human being.
Principal of equality; hallmark of assertive behaviour.
28 March
Noted by Lyssa's mother from the net:
If today were the last day of your life, would you want to do what you are about to do today?
Think long and hard. And when your answer is NO for too many days in a row, you know it's time for a change.
And this is an interesting conversation, because we are all aware deep down that life is short, and that death will happen to every one of us
eventually, and yet we are infinitely surprised when it happens to someone we know. It's like walking up a flight of stairs with a distracted
mind, and misjudging the final step. You expected there to be one more stair than there is, and so you find yourself off balance for a moment,
before your mind shifts back to reality and how the world really is.
So LIVE your life TODAY! Don't ignore death, but don't be afraid of it either. Be afraid of a life you never lived because you were too afraid
to take positive action. Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside you while you're still alive. Be bold.
Be courageous. Be scared to death, and then take the next step in the direction of your dreams ANYWAY.
You've got to take that step. Because sadly, there are far too many people who live their entire lives on the default settings, never realizing
they can customize absolutely everything. Don't be one of them! You have to live your own life your own way. That's all there is to it. Each
of us has a unique fire in our heart for something that makes us feel alive. It's your duty to find it and keep it lit. You've got to stop caring so
much about what everyone else wants for you, and start actually living for yourself.
Find your love, your talents, your passions, and embrace them. Don't hide behind other people's decisions. Don't let others tell you what you
want. Design and experience YOUR life! The life you create from doing something that moves you is far better than the life you get from
sitting around wishing you were doing it. So do something today, and every day, that moves you, even if you can only spare ten minutes here
and there.
End of March Lyssa's mother went into A & E and was diagnosed with a gall bladder problem. It would have to be removed by keyhole surgery. During this operation complications arose and a resection of the smal intestine was necessary followed by the removal of her gall bladder. It took several months for her to recover. At the time they were planning to move closer to Lyssa and were in the middle of making arrangements. This had to be put off until the end of July.
2nd April 2014
Lyssa's Diary
Silently they listened as she sliced her veins pouring her soul into the proffered grail.
This was a quote I saw on Twitter in April
"Look for forever in her eyes. You will see her soul. You will see her heart. You will see love reflected for all eternity. Beautiful eyes"
13th April 11:37
From a book:
1. I have the right to state my own needs and set my own priorities as a person independent of
any rules that I may assume in my life.
2. I have the right to be treated with respect as an intelligent, capable and equal human being.
3. I have the right to express my feelings.
4. I have the right to express my opinions and values.
5. I have the right to say yes or no for myself.
6. I have the right to make mistakes.
7. I have the right to change my mind
8. I have the right to say I don't understand.
9. I have the right to ask for what I want.
10. I have the right to decline responsibility for other people's problems
11. I have the right to deal with others without being dependant on them for approval.
15th April
Purple plum, genetically modified. Never ripens.
Tense and hard.
Paper-thin skin splits to reveal it's fleshy inside.
22nd April
Plumb dead, plumb alive, plumb line. Royal purple draperies. In the balance, tick-tock goes the clock; weighing up our souls. All meaning lost, rock of ages cleft for me. Driven as the falling snow, deep, down, deep and down.
Long the road and short the mile.
Who are we to stand and smile?
Angel's wings folded tight.
Hush my darling stay out if sight.
Make no sound, make no moan, the time keeper brings the dawn.
New the day, and plenty time to weep.
Also 22nd April
clearly a bad day, I was in the 'return to work' process:
I'm in floods of tears in the car park.
Trying to do the right thing is very hard.
I don't feel in control. I feel very frightened.
It wasn't meant to be like this.
I feel as if I have to 'manage' my own return to work, when all I want to do is go to work and come home.
Two books recommended to me, by my therapist
Marian Woodman - Dancing in the flames
Clarissa Pincolaestes - Women who run with the wolves. ('Within every woman there is a wild and natural creature, a powerful force, filled with good instincts, passionate creativity, and ageless knowing. Her name is Wild Woman, but she is an endangered species.')
16th May:
a quote I read 'Love is the end for which heaven and earth was made.'
25th May
It's all very odd. I'm allowed to be a Mum for a short while. That is, for a period of time I'm permitted to indulge my maternal needs. And then, shut off the sluice gates. It's is not a pleasant feeling at the end. A hollow echoing ache and confusion. I feel lost, bereft and sad.
Another book recommended:
Tara Brach - Radical Acceptance
(Radical acceptance is not about "looking on the bright side" or "staying positive" — it's seeing exactly what is, even all the shit, and just... accepting the fact of its existence, and, yes, sometimes, seeing the beauty in the ugliness, and the teeny tiny sparks of light in the dark.
It's not about defeat or avoiding change, either, but rather makes the changes we're trying to implement SO much more effective, because we're not wasting energy denying what is, or making it out to be something it's not.
It's nothing more or less than observation without judgment, allowing for a deeper and truer and more awe-some observation than would otherwise be possible. Which is one of the most radical acts imaginable.)
14 June
Lyssa in an email to her mother:
I hate the lies. I hate him. He ripped the boys from me. And he thinks that's OK. My sense of right is deeply wounded.
BUT... I'm learning to deal with this. I'm better than him. My resilience is stronger than it ever has been.
I wish him all the bad luck in the world. I hope karma will bite so hard, he will be crippled with pain.
I'm good now. :-)x
I love you
15 June
Lyssa's mother emailed her:
When one looks back on events which went against us in life and especially when the faults lie at another's door, usually the man's, while we kept trying to do everything right, ones sense of right and natural justice are naturally deeply offended. It takes a long time to come to terms with such unfairness during which time one takes out the events again and again and asks oneself what you could have done differently.
Do not ever doubt yourself or the correctness of your decisions, darling. Looking at this logically you were dealing with a mentally ill, totally selfish, self centred, lying manipulative man who has no empathy, and has been deceiving himself for years in order to persuade himself and others of his own rightness and perfection. Perhaps it is the only way he can get by in life! Let's face it - those who know him - his father and brothers, washed their hands of him a long time ago.
How can anyone sane, open and honest and logical deal with someone like him? A sane mind can never understand the mental workings of the mentally ill because the sane mind is logical and unused to thinking the same mixed up way. In order for us to consider and understand their thinking it has to make sense to us and it never will. Except to them. It's as though they are speaking a foreign language we have never learnt. Their reasoning is out of kilter with the rest of the sane world. They can make a right out of wrong, and a wrong out of right. Perhaps it makes sense to them but it never will to a sane person.
I am just grateful that you are better able to deal with this now, and the fact that this is entirely due to your strength of character, logic and sanity. I am also relieved that you have P. who is so entirely different and loves you for yourself.
Ever your devoted Ma
Lyssa's email to her mother same date:
Oh Ma, I love every cell of your body, right down to YOUR little cotton socks.
I was deeply hurt, yesterday evening, and I couldn't voice exactly why. But your two email messages, waiting for me this morning, have perfectly captured everything! Plus a goodly amount of sensible advice.
I am so in love with you Ma. You and I have had to make decisions in our lives, to the best of our abilities with the knowledge and information we had at the time. We did the best we could.
Both you and I have a real sense of right and wrong, and the offence we feel, when we encounter unfairness is overwhelming.
I'm proud of you, and me, and J and P. We are good people, trying to do the right thing.
I love you Ma, right down to your little cotton socks!
Your devoted daughter, Lyssa
26th June
Things that make me happy:
Buttons, ice-cream, May blossom, blue sky, sea green.
28th June
17 December comment: Blimey, this was a bad dream, I can't even remember writing it, let alone dreaming it!
Trapped
upper floor (like Anns)
Warden keeping me there. Preventing me from escape. Sleeping in same room. I try to feign sleepiness, so he will be tricked into thinking I
have no plans to escape, then he would fall asleep and I could escape. He left the room.
Kept letting me think he had gone.
Spying on me. Freaking me out.
Keeping Danny and D. (my dog) from me.
In my head making plans on how to trick him to leave, so I could lock the door.
I tried to pretend I was sleeping. Him one sofa,he watched TV. Me the floor. Made excuse the floor was too hard, so I could go to the bedroom.
At first looked like he was buying it. Then he laughed and let me know he knew exactly what I was trying to do - escape. I became increasingly hysterical. Started to throw objects from a shelf at him, to get him to leave the room. Eventually after wounding him on forehead, he left.
There were many broken shards on the floor. But my thoughts were to use this moment to gather my things and escape with D. (her little dog)..
Dann was on ground floor sleeping in his room. Knew I couldn't get him. As I'm thinking, realise Warden is spying on me again. So pretend to collect the shards together, to pretend I wasn't leaving.
He comes back into room. Says he knows I'm trying to go, and he's going to stop me. I start getting hysterical again. I start to scream in a frightened hysterical way. He backs off.
Danny comes up the stairs, having been woken by my screaming. I desperately don't want to upset Danny. So try to pretend everything OK. Danny becomes less worried by screaming and Warden smiles at me, knowing he has got me, because I won't frighten Danny. Danny goes back
down stairs to sleep.
Warden tries to stay in the room, then says he's sorry he upset me so much. I know he is lying and trying to trick me into staying. He leaves the room and locks the door. I know the only way to escape is to get him to leave the house, and then lock the doors.
I start to pretend to get hysterical, enough that Danny and the neighbours might start to get worried. He tells me he will leave. He goes through the door to the outside on this level. I know this is my chance. I run and lock the door. He realises what I have done and it's a race to stop him coming in through the ground floor door.
In my head I'm planning who to go to for that night with Danny and nothing but the clothes we wear. I get stuck running down the stairs to lock the front door against Warden. The stairs are too narrow for me to pass through. So I turn and make a run for it though the room I was in, thinking I could escape from him. I run through a room and into the next running headlong into someone. I think It's Warden who has run up the back stairs. I'm so frightened. I feel everything is lost.
I look up and realise it's Dr H., my GP. He has been called by the neighbours who had been woken by my fight with Warden and my screaming. He had come to make sure I was OK. On arriving, realising the situation, he waited for Warden to arrive and for Warden to expose his' insanity' and his abuse of me.
Warden realises he has been exposed and there is no point trying to lie. I'm so thankful, that finally someone other than me has seen through Warden's ruse. I wake up, feeling frightened flight or fight coursing through me.
28 June
From the net: Why We Fall for Narcissists - Psychology Today
Most of us will, at one point or another, find ourselves reflecting on or recovering from a romantic run-in with a narcissist. Whether it was a short or long-term connection, it is likely that during the post-mortem on the relationship,
you'll ask yourself how you managed to get sucked in by his or her charms, how you missed all the warning signs, what made you so vulnerable to the charms of a cold-hearted manipulator (and, often, a cheat). It is usually not much comfort to realize that these are probably the same questions the hapless nymph Echo asked herself after her encounter with the original Narcissus of Greek myth.
4th July
How long can I be unfairly punished by a mental sick individual.
How long will my children seek to punish me?
How long will this agony last?
A tweet I liked:
When life is cold~I wrap myself in your warmth~nestled in your love~my perfect refuge
Another quote: "Heavy of heart, the he sank in the mud created by a lifetime of tears. The newly finished plaster of authenticity crackle glazed."
9 July
Sent to Lyssa by her mother:
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/17QSom/llerrah.com/skeletondance.htm?ref_src=email
3rd August
May I feel peaceful.
May I feel contentment.
May I feel open and aware.
May I love myself.
May I be decisive.
May I be serene.
May I be poised.
May I be at one with myself.
May I be assured.
May I find truth
May I be authentic
May I find awareness.
13th August
Flashing iridescent emerald,
hot summers afternoon. Babbling brook, Beautiful Demoiselle.
Recurring dream:
Tidal waves and extreme fear
not being in control
think I'm safe and then not
or try to secure self, but know in heart not enough and will be washed away.
Can see wave from a long way off
Mountain clearing waves
Quotes about Art:
Abstraction
'listen to the voices in your head'
'art will be like music'
'musical events'
Embrace the discordance
"Let us attempt to see"
'everything IS perception'
light and dark in rhythm
Hegel 'tension and contradiction'
'make the surface breathe'
Klee Rothko
Dan Perfect
9 September
From Warden:
From 31 July your arrangements for contact with Danny will be at your and Danny's discretion. At 13, he will be ready to take responsibility for that, without the need for you to text D. or I, pass on messages etc.
11th September
Peace is this moment without judgment.
That is all. This moment in the Heart-space
where everything that is is welcome.
Dorothy Hunt
14th September
who?
Who the fuck am I?
Fleeting thoughts of a way to stop the pain.
Danny. Adam. These words hardly pass my lips.
25th September
Tearing flesh
Tearing my flesh
Scoring, scratching, scouring
Ripping my very essence
Crying screaming calling
But silently.
No one. No one but me.
Me, alone, me, alone.
Anger, bile, effervescent putrefaction, hell. All rolled into a monster indistinguishable from its other selves.
Turned in, pouring acid to mar the beauty. To control the pain.
Hate, me, hate, me.
But the 'flesh' was real. It was my flesh. And the pain was real. It was my pain. And the anger was real. It was my anger. And the acid was real. It was my acid poured by myself onto me. And the hate was real. It was/is my hate.
But... I don't need these anymore.
1 October
Email from my mother and J:
This is to remind you how wonderful you are. We don't just think this - we see this. You are intelligent, clever, capable, artistic, loving, kind, friendly, compassionate and caring and you have a strong personality which pulls others towards you. You must learn to appreciate your character, personality and abilities and realise that you are loved by those who know you and recognise your good qualities. You must learn to recognise them also yourself and appreciate your own worth and allow those things which make you such a lovely person to flourish. Have faith in yourself, darling.
Reply from Lyssa:
Thank you Ma and J. Gosh.
14th October
Set limits/boundaries what I will and won't accept.
Mindfulness - listen to my own voice
Explain - I feel (no blame)
Be honest about your part
Do not blame self
16 October
Hi Ma and J, thank you so much for making me feel loved and cherished. I know you always have. I'm learning that I can really start to enjoy feeling safe and supported. It's a new and joyous feeling. It's wonderful. Thank you both.
18 October
Email from Warden to Lyssa's mother:
Many moons ago we talked about meeting for coffee. We were wondering whether you would like to meet?
Email from Lyssa (who also received an invitation) to her mother:
I don't see why he invites us for coffee, instead of just putting it in an email. Very controlling.
19th October
Email from Adam to his mother:
Lyssa
I am leaving Cornwall soon and I would like to speak to you before I go to explain why I have not been having contact.
Lyssa's note to herself:
what I wanted to say to Adam:
I am unable to meet you.
I am not able to meet you.
I am not prepared to meet you.
This may change in time.
Meeting with you is not possible
Meeting with you is not a healthy thing for me to do.
It is not possible to meet with you.
Meeting with you is against my wellbeing
Meeting you would endanger my wellbeing
It is not feasible to meet with you
It is unfeasible to meet with you
Answer suggested by P: Meeting Lyssa is out of the question.
20th October
What I actually sent:
Dearest Adam, it's good to hear from you son. I hope your life is going in the direction you'd hoped and that you're happy to be leaving for pastures new.
I'd be glad to meet with you to say goodbye before you go, but I need you to understand that as I'm still recovering, (and in therapy) following the divorce and separation of our family. Any meeting must be under the right circumstances.
I am aware of your reason as to why you severed all contact with me. Your father wrote a letter after our divorce.
I love you and will always love you and be there for you come what may. You are part of me. You will always be welcomed with open arms.
I'm sure you understand that meeting like this, after such a long and painful time apart could be very difficult for both of us. So, if agreeable, I'd like to see you either at my therapist's office (in .. .) or in ..... with P. as always your loving Mother
Lyssa's mother's comment to Lyssa:
I think it is good that you did not mention his apparent need to say something to you because I think he may wonder whether you got that point. This may put him off balance and make him wonder how to broach what he wants to say. You might also make it clear to him, before he has a chance to say his piece, that there is nothing he could do or say which would make you turn away from him.
Bear up, darling. Mxxx
21st October:
Warden emailed Lyssa asking her if she wanted to have Danny overnight because they had no one to look after him while he and his wife went to a wedding.
Lyssa: What I wanted to say to Warden when he invited me to baby sit Danny:
You never cease to amaze me in the audacity of your behaviour with regard to Danny and his welfare. Directly disregarding CAFCASS and Consent Orders are the cornerstones of your sub-par conduct. Your handy 'live-in' baby sitter Adam, will have gone, clearly I'm the easy option, and can be dressed up as a wonderful opportunity!
You can stick your offer. I don't doubt you will tell Danny I'm not willing or compliant. So very far from the truth, which he and Adam will one day realise. I'm good thank you.
What I also wanted to say:
We find your texts very confusing and are concerned with the mixed messages this is giving Danny.
On 9/9/14 you said "From 31 July your arrangements for contact with Danny will be at your and Danny's discretion. At 13, he will be ready to take responsibility for that, without the need for you to text D. or I, pass on messages etc."
Today's text message is completely different.
Lyssa's response "Thank you for this 'opportunity', however, I think quality time with Danny, at our own pace, is more important."
What P. thought: Right, I think it should be short and to the point:
It will not be possible due to work commitments. You will need to make alternate arrangements. Signed P. P: That's all they deserve and all they'll get.
21st Oct
Message to Adam
Dearest Adam,
I only want to see you to reassure you, as your mother, of my undying love for you and to say goodbye and part on good terms. If this is not your purpose and doesn't suit you then you will have to live with not taking this opportunity to put the past behind you and allow us start again.
I shall always be here for you.
I will miss you.
Note from my mother: Our behaviour towards those people we love is a measure of our maturity.
Adam's reply:
There's no room for negotiation, we were going to meet on my terms but there is nothing to discuss, I know how you behaved, all I am doing is letting you go.
[They did not meet.]
17th October:
a text to Warden:
Warden and D.,
I am trying, unsuccessfully, to find out from the boys, how they are what they are doing etc. I miss them very much and not knowing is deeply painful for me as their mother.
Please can you give me a 'boys update'. I do hope R's graduation went well.
regards
Lyssa
30 October
Warden wife to Lyssa's mother:
Please arrange for the removal of Lyssa's 2011 Diary entry showing my husband's photograph, name, and other identifiable information within the next 24 hours or we will be seeking legal advice based on libel. Warden and I have reached a point now where we feel we have no other recourse.Warden particularly feels his day in Court is long overdue and I have asked him to compromise in my writing to you in the first instance.Sincerely, D.
[Comment: The article mentioned is in the public domain.]
Lyssa's mother: I arranged for the photograph to be removed and the article modified, which it was. D replied by thanking her.
1 November
1st November
Willow herb and foxglove
Birch replaced by Oak;
Little stars of snowdrops
And bluebells hide the little folk.
Lyssa's mother replies to D:
This is going to be a long email but I believe you really need to know where I stand.
Don't thank me too soon before looking at the most recent blogs (not in Lyssa's Diary). One draws attention to a BBC web page from 2011 and the latest one explains the writer's views about people overlooking their past bad behaviour, whether it be caused by mental illness or not.
My first husband (who had some very weird views and was an alcoholic) behaved very badly towards me during our marriage and divorce and even he eventually apologised for treating me badly! It was the only way he could get any peace within himself and he approached me long after we had ceased communicating to do so.
If someone believes they have overcome mental illness, or that they now have control of it, as Warden appears to think he has, then they should be fully aware of their bad behaviour towards their partner during the time of marriage and divorce, and how much this affected that person, and acknowledge fault and offer them a heartfelt apology. And if it is not accepted then keep trying until it is!
No such apology has ever been given to Lyssa or hme. Instead all one gets is male arrogance, outrage, and attempts to control others alongside threats of the law if they are not obeyed. Very childish.
If you have read all of Lyssa's Diaries you will see, that having first isolated Lyssa from friends and family, Warden, as early as 2008 was planning to alienate and remove the children from her and move to Canada. So far as I can see, that did not change, [apart from taking them to Canada] since that is exactly what he achieved, regardless of how it affected the children. It is so easy to blame Lyssa for everything, isn't it, but then you have only ever heard Warden's side of the story.
It may be easy for Warden to overlook or ignore his appalling behaviour towards Lyssa whom he supposedly once loved (although I seriously doubt this) but personally I would feel very guilty if I had behaved the way he did to someone I loved, and then on realising it, did not apologise for my behaviour.
I would draw your attention to the time Warden was telling Lyssa how affected he was by a woman's story of being treated badly by her husband while showing no sympathy or recognising or understanding or acknowledging the way he had behaved towards Lyssa!
I do not need to be religious to know there is no forgiveness without acknowledgement of ones appalling behaviour. A lot of heartache and distress would have been prevented had agreements made in mediation during the divorce been kept by Warden. Even the mediators said his word could not be trusted because he changed his mind once he had left the meeting. He made the divorce the most painful I have ever read about and as a trainee ........... he showed no sympathy or understanding towards Lyssa's suffering throughout those months of the divorce when she cried herself to sleep night after night.
Since then Lyssa has been put to great expense trying to gain access to her children who were placed in her care by the court at the time of the divorce, and whom Warden removed from the home without discussion with her. Indeed he played a delaying game throughout - promising to move out and then not doing so - and would not confirm the date he intended moving out to the place he was renting, something she desired because she could not stand living in the same house as the man who had treated her so unkindly. I thought his behaviour was very devious at the time.
Counselling appears to me to be a very easy way to ignore ones past behaviour - it does not however, get forgotten as easily by those who have been wronged. Perhaps one day even you, as a counsellor, will come to understand the simple fact of life that good people should not be expected to accept bad behaviour from others without an apology. Even AA understands the concept of apologising.
Without honest, heart felt apologies and restitution of the children affection and the financial situation there can be no forgiveness or forgetting what Warden has done.
Just in case you have your ---------- hat on and think this is something which is making me unhappy I want to make it clear that both Lyssa and I try to ignore Warden's existence as much as possible - she rather more successfully than me (apart from the times he will insist on throwing his weight about and trying to control her and my actions). She apparently never wants to have anything to do with or hear from him ever again.
Warden rarely comes to my mind but I must admit that from time to time I get great pleasure from being a thorn in his side, and every time he squeals he feeds that pleasure just as he has done recently.
I do not believe Lyssa has allowed anything to be written in her diary which is libellous even if Warden sees it otherwise. He has a habit of throwing his weight and threats around saying he is going to report the matter to his solicitor or the Police. He threatened Lyssa with this several times during the divorce. Bullying too, you see.
Unfortunately, so far as Warden is concerned, I do not really believe that a change of behaviour on his part is possible because Warden is and always will be Warden, but one thing is clear to me - the road the children take in future will be one which he has put them on, not Lyssa. This despite her eldest son, who at present is truly showing himself to be Warden's son, trying to say otherwise.
Please make it clear that until things have been put right I do not wish to hear anyone else's or Warden's complaints, neither do I want to have coffee with you and him and I cannot think what possessed him to ask. As a --------- perhaps you do!
At least I can thank you for giving me the opportunity to explain a few truths of the matter from another angle.
Reread Lyssa's Diary. It is most enlightening to read about how things were for Lyssa at the time she recorded the events and her suffering and I have to say it near broke my heart reading about what she went through. No wonder Warden wanted it suppressed. Thank heavens Lyssa is now well on the way to recovery, which is entirely due to her strength of mind and purpose, something, I guess, which she inherited from her mother.
3 November
Warden's email to Lyssa's mother:
There are two sides to every story' is a very old proverb; the Greek writer Aesop (620-564 BCE) in the fable “The Mule” wrote that “every truth has two sides.” For an example of two sides of a story, a husband and a wife can tell different stories about the same marriage. The saying “There are three sides to every story—your side, his side and the truth” has been cited in print since at least 1936.
With that in mind, I would like to invite you to a session of counselling with a Counsellor or Mediator of your choice so that you may have an opportunity to ask the questions you asked me by email in 2012. The answers may settle your mind, but the setting must be confidential. I will
meet the cost. The assertions that you and Lyssa have been making in your Blog and on Twitter over the last two years may contain some truths, some distortions of the truth, and a few misunderstandings.
If it were me, I would welcome an opportunity to seek clarification and then peace of mind may follow. This has certainly been my experience since divorce, marrying D., and creating a safe haven for a new, blended, and happy family.
'In my experience I have found that the solutions to all of life's most intractable problems are not found through any form of intellect or cleverness. They are solved simply by moving on'. C G Jung.
I look forward to you reply. If you decide to decline, I will of course respect your decision. With Love and Light, Warden
4 November
Reply to Warden
You appear not to understand that I have been witness to your loss of temper, threats and controlling attitude towards my daughter from the time before you married her which were caused, no doubt, by your illness, Bipolar Disorder.
Certain other matters brought to my notice later and written at the time they occurred (some of which were recorded in police records) and which included details of the progression of your illness, which I am inclined to believe rather than any white wash version you care to give, also came to my notice and only confirmed my belief that you were unbalanced from the very start and continue so to this day.
I do not believe there is anything in Lyssa's Diary which identifies you however 'if the cap fits, wear it.' Or anything in my blog which strays from fact.
You have frequently threatened to report my daughter to the police or to sue me for libel or some such. From what your wife tells me you were threatening recently to see a lawyer about suing me. Now you are pestering me with emails which hint that I am the one who is mentally unstable and in need of counselling. If this was the case I would certainly not take advice from someone who suffers from Bipolar Disorder.
I want to this to be quite plain to you I do not want to hear your excuses for the reasons you behaved the way you did, neither do I need to see a counsellor.
If you were any sort of parent then both of the children would still be in contact with their mother and, I should add, grandmother.
Finally - I do not want to ever hear from you again unless you have brought about a reversal of the the present situation regarding the children.
Is that plain enough for you? Only then will I request that Lyssa's Diary be taken down. Your attempts to control me (I refer you particularly to your email of 27 December 2013) and suppress my viewpoint and freedom of speech are blatant bullying.
You don't like my daughter's view of how living with you affected her life and health as she tried to deal with your behaviour (all no doubt now excused by you as needing no sympathy, explanation or apology) over many years, and your lack of understanding the affect of living without love or kindness from you, the man she still loved, which ended with her losing both her children.
I do not subscribe to the view of some psychiatrists and counsellors that all that matters is that a person is able to live with themselves thus allowing them to excuse theselves from the vilest of behaviour. This is all well and good with the person who cannot live with what they have done and safely overlooks the hurt and pain suffered by others. Before you offer any suggestions I suggest you look back on your own behaviour, not on my daughter's, and ask yourself why your marriage ended in divorce. All you seem to want to do is point out my daughter's faults and explain to me what 'drove you' to behave the way you did. If you are honest with yourself you like to control people and my daughter eventually had enough. As for me - you know you cannot control me so the next best thing is to suggest I need counselling.
Setting the world to rights when in a manic phase is apparently quite common from those suffering from bipolar and becoming a .......... gave you a way to satisfy this.
Offering counselling to the injured party is an insult. If you have any money to splash around then may I suggest you to send it to the person you injured the most, my daughter!
My husband and I are both 82 and your continued attempts to influence me in your favour or threaten me with the law, even if now they are only via your wife, might be construed as harassment of an elderly couple and be worthy of a little legal action on their part.
Your attempts to try to continue controlling me and my daughter are not appreciated and will, I hope cease immediately, neither do I wish to receive any little homilies preached from your pulpit.
I TRUST MY MESSAGE IS CLEAR TO YOU.
21st November
message to Danny
Hey Danny. You can contact me anytime, even if you haven't spoken to me in weeks, months or years. Never feel awkward, I am you mother and you will always have my unconditional love. My arms will always open to hold you. I will remind you of this from time to time.
22nd November
Adam has been brainwashed by his father. It’s not his choice. His brainwashing was caused by a combination of how he was treated by his father and the divorce. If Adam knew this, he could get help. He could learn what is wrong and why. He could learn how to better manage his
emotions, and how his expression of his feelings affects me. He could work to become more tolerant and accepting of me.
He is now treating others as his father treats him. He must learn the same skills that I have learned, or he will be at risk of staying like this.
It will not be easy, but he can break the cycle.
24th November
Poem
And the trees did blush, as their leaves fell away, revealing their glorious nakedness to the casual passerby.
28th November @_Love_Quotes__:
Sometimes it's better to put love into hugs than to put it into words. Anonymous
2nd December
If Death came looking for me, I would not hide. I do not seek out Death, but I would not hide.
6th December
My personal prescription for when I feel I am going down:
Do nothing
Rest
Sleep
Sew a straight line - straight sewing piece just for this
Try and relax
Look on Pinterest
Cuddle Paul
Meditate
Read a novel
Don't push yourself
Let it pass
Know that it is normal and it is OK
Don't berate self for being like this or feeling like this
Don't go after the why
Go towards the pain and locate the sensations in your body.
Try to classify/describe the sensations and note the locations
Accept what is happening
Don't judge yourself
Remember you are enough
Remember you do enough
Don't make big decisions
Don't agonise over small decisions
Try to keep routine simple
Do just enough and if you can't manage that then don't.
You are not wallowing
You are experiencing real pain directly as a result of your situation
Doodle
Draw on the iPad
Make a cup of tea and curl up with a good book
Watch TV
Listen to Radio Play
Try not to listen to overly sad music. But if you do, don't berate yourself for doing so.
Don't berate yourself for anything
How I can recognise the beginning of descent:
When in a decline you will feel/think:
Sad and tearful
At a loss
Angry
As if everything is your fault
Too Fat
Too ugly
Take too much medication
Eat too much
Unsafe
Don't want to go out
Listless
Tired
Can't stop thinking
Want to stop the pain
Feel like dying
Hurt
Nothing fits
Clumbsy
Resentful
Can't think
Can't see the wood for the trees
Want to go to bed
Don't want to get out of bed
Don't want to go to work
Don't want to be alone
Can't be creative
Everything is hard
Paranoid
Unable to see the good
Unable to see beauty
Feel lazy
Feel as if should be doing housework
Feel as if you live like a slut
Lack capacity
Lack insight
Lack resilience
Can't cope
Everything seems black or white, all or nothing
Frustrated
17 December
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Brainwashing Children":
Your last paragraph referencing child sexual abuse requires that you tread carefully and consider your legal responsibilities in what you are writing in a public forum.
I feel that these are the implicit thoughts and feelings that drive you and Lyssa to continue to write vicious lies and malicious, assumed, fiction in the public domain, more than 2 years after I have divorced, re-married, and continued to raise 3 happy young children/adults.
Shall we just all go to Court with everything and see what a Judge makes of it?
My feeling is that that is a better option than your writing venomous bile from behind the safety of a computer.
I feel strongly compelled to spend a small fortune on a Restraining Order and have done with it.
Lyssa's unfinished poem:
I was beautiful once, a butterfly;
even my toes were pretty.
Loving to live and living to love,
I watched the sands of time scatter down on me.
I took a chance, a leap of faith, innocent of life's fated plans for me.
Once path selected, a rut ensued, a life of lost identity.
On an on, on and on, like flotsam on a stream; pouring, pouring, shifting
storming, onwards but never to the sea.
Slowly dying, shifting, sighing a pale ghost emerged from me.
Until one day . . .
18 December
A new domestic abuse offence for
"coercive and controlling behaviour" within relationships has been announced by
the home secretary.
Theresa May said domestic abuse by intimate partners or family members was a
"hideous" crime that shattered lives.She said she hoped the new law would protect victims from extreme psychological and emotional abuse.
The maximum penalty for the new offence in England and Wales will be five years in prison and a fine.
Coercive and controlling behaviour can include the abuser preventing their victim from having friendships or hobbies, refusing them access to money and determining many aspects of their everyday life, such as when they are allowed to eat, sleep and go to the toilet.
Witness testimony could be supported at prosecution through a variety of ways, including documentary evidence of threatening emails and text messages, or bank statements that show the perpetrator sought to control the victim financially.
'Break free safely'
The new offence comes after the government ran a consultation over the summer seeking views on whether the law on domestic abuse needed to be strengthened.
The Home Office said that 85% of the participants in that consultation said the law did not provide sufficient protection to victims.
Mrs May said: "Coercive control can be tantamount to torture. In many cases, dominance over the victim develops and escalates over the years until the perpetrator has complete control. Putting a foot wrong can result in violent outbursts, with victims living in fear for their lives."
Polly Neate, chief executive of Women's Aid, said: "We hope this new law will lead to a real culture change, so that every woman experiencing control can get the support she needs to break free safely."
Not the right solution
But Sandra Horley, chief executive of national domestic violence charity Refuge, said creating a new offence was not the answer because there were "already enough laws", but they were "not being implemented correctly".
There are a number of laws that already cover acts of violence, stalking and harassment - but none of them refer in their wording to personal relationships or the precise terms of the official definition of domestic abuse.
Gillian Guy, the chief executive Citizen's Advice, said by introducing the new offence, the government was sending a clear message that domestic abuse in all forms will not be tolerated.
Earlier in the year, a report criticised police forces in England and Wales for failing to deal with domestic abuse adequately. It found only eight out of 43 forces were dealing well with the issue.
The Scottish government announced last month it will consult on whether to introduce more offences to strengthen its domestic abuse law in the new year.
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