8 January 2013
From my solicitor:
You are hoping that you will be able to see someone at mediation before the end of the week.The reason I thought it would be a good idea is that they saw you both from May 2012 and I believe the poisoning of the children against you and all the other behaviour to your detriment involving the children can be traced back to about May 2012.Amazing what can be accomplished in a mere 6 months.
17 January 2013
My solicitor to his solicitor:
Further to our letter of the 18th December 2012 we are disappointed and concerned to have heard nothing from you in response even by way of acknowledgement.
If anything, since we wrote to you on the 18th December, the situation with regard to contact with Danny has deteriorated significantly.In the best interests of Danny this cannot be allowed to continue.
With regard to him, what was agreed was that Danny would continue to reside with our client but have generous contact with his father.However, we understand that the last contact between Danny and our client was about 2 weeks ago on or about Thursday, the 3rd January 2013.Before that our client had contact with Danny on Boxing Day. In Danny’s best interests this is, simply, not good enough.It is time for our respective clients to take control of the arrangements.
Danny should and will continue to reside with our client and she will ensure that there is regular, plentiful and flexible contact with your client.Danny needs a good relationship with both his parents but it is plain that your client is not promoting it.It cannot be right that our client has not seen Danny for 2 weeks nor heard anything from him.
18 Jan 2013 18:23
Email from my mother regarding my phone call re barrister account:
Meant to mention that when I got off the phone at lunchtime and told J about the bill he immediately said - without any prompting from me - tell her we will pay it. He didn't stop to think about it - he just knew you needed help. It surprised me - I can tell you. No wonder I love him. Nothing would make us happier than to see all your problems at an end, the way you want them to be, (and I hate myself for wanting to say this - but it is me not J saying it, - and Warden getting his come-uppance) and for you to find someone who makes you happy. You deserve it.
My reply: 18:29
Thank you Ma. Is J OK, because I was crying quite a bit. Tell him I'm sorry
My mother's reply: 18:33
Yes, he is fine. He's like me - hates to see/hear you being upset. He loves you and wants to help. Think he'd wring Warden's neck if he could - well perhaps not because he is a good man and a Christian - but as you know I am agnostic and would willingly do it.
19 January 2013
I want to die. I want to leave this terrible place I find myself in. The pain, the distress, the worry is too much to bear.
My children are gone. Yes they need me, but not apparently now.
Any change will be and has been most painful and difficult. I choose to end that pain.
I want to slip away quietly. No fuss, no mess and no more thought.
My lover has his own trials. I can not bear them. The pain and anguish he will now go through is beyond that which I can deal with.
My parents will soon be dead. They will only experience a short time of mourning, before their own demise.
Death is a resolution. Yes a cop out for the lazy and disillusioned. An escape from the exhausting everyday uphill battle against the destructive power of thought.
How can this be right for one human being to have to face this? Where is my choice?
People say, think about those you leave behind, this is a selfish act. Nobody, except someone who has been here before will understand the beguiling draw, the 'siren's call of ultimate freedom. A final end. A terminal sleep/rest.
My friends will grieve. Perhaps find their lives even more precious as they are reminded of life's fragility.
Why don't I? Why won't I? What is stopping me?
Leaving a mess? Leaving things for others to sort out?
My children's emotional and psychological well being?
Surely these are challenges in my journey to peace?
Life is painful. That is the truth. I accept that it is. I do not accept that I have to put up with it. There is always choice.
If I accept it is painful, excruciating torture on a daily basis, over and over again, just like the trial of Prometheus, how can I find the strength to continue this relentless journey, and for what?
How can I? How can I not? Why do some continue and why do some not?
What is the argument for life?
Death, death, death; die, die die; suicide, suicide, suicide; end, end, end; relief, relief, relief.
22 January 2013
Letter to my mother from my solicitor:
It is a dreadful time for her - for all his so called qualifications (if any) the more I see, read and hear of him the plainer it becomes that he has no compassion, genuine love for anyone except himself or the ability to see the damage he is doing.
23 January 2013
My email to my mother:
Oh Mum, my friend A just texted me: Her daughter said when she went to Warden's for Danny, Warden and a woman were looking out of the window. I feel like s**t. They are making a home and Danny will never want to come back :..(((
I'm going into Zumba with bloody tears in my eyes.! Grrrrr....
24 January 2013
My solictor’s comment:
I was sorry to learn that still you are meeting with a brick wall and hearing nothing from Danny in response to your text messages.
29 January 2013
Letter from my solicitor re statement regarding returning to court to apply for residencce and contact with Danny.
30 January 2013
My Diary:
I met with the Head Teacher of Danny’s school today, to fully appraise her of the situation. And ask for them to keep me informed as to Danny's apparent well-being and welfare, as I am unable by any other method to discern how he is.
4 February 2013
Texts between Danny and me after the XBox at Warden's house broke. Danny he asked me if he could come and collect the X-Box my mother and step-father had given me for the house at Christmas:
Me: Hi how are you, love
Danny: 'Xbox?'
Me: 'Hi Danny, you know you can come home and play on Xbox anytime. Love Mumma. xxx'
Danny: 'No thanks I'd want it in dads house'
Me: 'Why don't you come over and talk to me about it, angel. I'll make you a smoothie :-))'
Danny: No thank you.'
My mother's comment: This was the Xbox I gave her at Christmas for her and Danny to play at the house and asked her to explain to him that it was a present for both of them to use in the house. I specifically did not give it to Danny knowing the temptation would be for him to take it to Warden's.
14 February 2012
To my solicitor:
It is as I feared, Warden has had two months to question and indoctrinate Danny, using his experience in hypnotherapy and counselling to do so, and to mis-interpret innocent emails and texts, - and to persuade Danny to tell lies about his visits to me.
Warden will go to any ends to achieve his aims but as I have already shown he has told Danny to lie to me, and Danny has challenged him about it himself in front of me and the mediators.
Warden’s email lists the supposed error of my ways and the following (in italics) are my answer to his accusations:
'Threats to confiscate his mobile phone unless he revealed passcode' - As a parent I believe in ensuring internet online safety for children, and I believe it is my duty as a parent to check Danny’s phone, from time to time for any potentially harmful material. In light of the distressing text that Warden sent to Danny, I was even more sensitive to the dangers of a child being exposed to inappropriate material. I had also had it drawn to my attention that Warden had opened a Facebook account in Danny’s name. Danny is below the age limit for a Facebook page and apparently his father does no censoring regarding who contacts him.
Texting repeatedly when drunk. Completely untrue. How does one detect someone is drunk when they text? Because his mother was an alcoholic Warden does not drink alcohol and frowns on me having the occasional drink. I keep virtually no alcohol at home.
Lying openly to Danny in text messages. Distortion of truth.
Indication I might have to get rid of his pets. No. These are not and never have been Danny’s pets. I indicated that should I need to sell the house, it would be unlikely I would be able to keep my pets in rented accommodation.
Asking Danny to return his door key. Having changed the locks since Warden left my home, I was concerned that he might try to re-enter my home if he had a key. I gave Danny the new key to the new lock with the instructions to keep it safe because I did not want anyone else to use it to gain entry. On two occasions, Danny 'lost' his key, which were eventually found at Warden's property. In view of the lost passport when his father told him to lie to me I was greatly concerned. On one occasion, Warden indicated to me he would return the key once he had got a copy cut. He indicated this was a joke, however, knowing his past behaviour I did not find this funny, in fact I found it alarming.
Bouts of shouting and yelling. Completely untrue and not in my nature.
Bursting into tears. Yes, this has been an extremely distressing time for me.
Danny witnessed client return home drunk, falling through door on hands and knees. Untrue I have never come home drunk although I have come home distressed!
When he has been in the house with her... locked in her bedroom, behind a door chain for hours on end. Untrue. I had the chain put on the door because I feared that Warden, even though he had agreed to keep downstairs, would burst in and be violent towards me.
Danny on own in lounge with no supper, central heating or lighting. Untrue. Danny, Warden kept insisting, had the run of the house and he kept both boys downstairs for hours at a time, and cooked their meals despite our agreement that I would cook the evening meals for them. The central heating, fire on lounge and the lighting were always available! In fact the junction box was in his father's room downstairs.
Over Christmas there were further difficulties with clients partner. - Untrue. I emailed my mother to tell her how wonderful it was to see my partner and Danny getting along so well. My partner has a son of his own and they quickly made friends.
I discussed my emerging new relationship and Danny's fear i.e. that I would remarry/move this person in and allayed these concerns on 02/01/12. My main concern was that Danny should know he was always welcome and that he came first in all my decisions.
Reluctance at the moment to spend time with your client. Untrue. This was so blatently untrue because he was keeping both children with him 99% of the time. Additionally a close friend emailed me commenting on how close Danny and I were at this time.
Me: It has been impossible for me to discern Danny's feelings on any given matter and how he is getting on as contact since 3 January 2013, has been kept to virtually nothing apart from a few very brief text messages.
16 February 2013
My note:
There were considerable problems caused when Warden arranged for his mail to be redirected and my mail was being delivered to him and his to me so I began redirecting his mail.
He was not happy with this and said he would come round to the house to collect it and I told him not to. He then aggressively accused me of not allowing him to come to collect his mail and again began threatening to report me to the police for the offence of deliberately delaying and tampering with his mail. Chapter and verse again, of course.
I told him that because he had 'ordered' me, backed up with threats to call the police, not to come to no.17 I had not done so despite needing to reassure myself that all is well with Danny. And that I had not even entered the road in the belief that if he saw me there he would accuse me of harassment, and would once again either threaten or actually report it to the police. I now expected him to stay away from my house.
February 2013
My note:
By this time I had decided to return to court to see if something could be done to return Danny to me at least on a shared basis. Throughout Warden continually said he was allowing Danny to be where he wanted to be, as advised by mediation etc.
Warden’s statement to Court on 23 March 2013:
I am currently in private practice as a trainee counsellor and have been in private practice as a clinical
therapist since July 2010.
My note:
By now I had met ? and we found we had an affinity. We enjoyed similar things and were both artistic, and enjoyed reading, photography and walking, and had similar intellects. He was sleeping on the couch at home. But it was very hard living without having my children in my life and the worst of it was I had no idea what I had done which had caused the alienation.
Warden was still following his mantra that it should be left to Danny to seek reconciliation and that by texting my son I was alienating him.
In desperation I sent a postcard to Danny via his school and received a tirade from Warden about how much this had upset Danny. I had only written that I loved him and missed him and used a postcard so that the school was aware of its harmless contents. All I wanted was to let Danny know I loved him and was still there for him.
Warden then wrote to the school informing them that they had no right to pass on my comunications to Danny because the court had said I was to have no contact with my son and that he (Warden) had an injunction to stop me seeing him and had sole custody of him, statements which he had to retract and apologise for when the school sent his letter to CAFCASS.
It seems that Warden had done a good job at alienating my children from me and had also managed to implant various beliefs about me into their heads. Not only that but in the months following the time I started divorce proceedings against him he knew that if he was given time he could persuade both my children to stay with him.
My mother said to me once ‘Aren’t you angry?’ I asked her – angry about what and she replied ‘Angry because your husband is stealing your children away.’ But by that time, with him refusing to move, I had lost the will to fight.
Of course this all affected my health and I sank into a deep depression later in the year, one which took me to the depths of despair and had it not been for the people who loved me I think I would not be here today.
27 March 2012
Quotes:
Love is to the soul as food is to the body. ~ #Aine
@BradManners: "Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life." Pablo Picasso
2 April 2013
My notes/poem:
On missing my child
It hurts, a burning thread through my soul; hot blood seeping from my eyes.
Hollow, I am hollow, sightless and dumb. Soundless screaming fills my ears.
The impression of his love binds me. His memory a breath in my heart, splutters yet valiantly remains. Hope this child will return is Pandora's punishment.
Resolve, fortitude, wisdom, strength, patience and love are but words as breadcrumbs scattered in a dark forest.
He leaves a love stain on my heart.
April/May 2013 I texted Danny on 1st/5th/21st April and 3rd May
No response
15 April 2013
Quotes:
This place is as cold as a greyhounds nostril
I'm not crazy. My reality is just different than yours. –Cheshire Cat (Alice in Wonderland)
17 April 2013
My musing:
My heartbeat
Quite time
listening to the clock
the world outside a blur of sound
I am suspended in the liquid of the afternoon
I texted Warden 25 April 2013
Would Danny like to see me at all?
27 April 2013
Poem by Yeates: Innisfree:
I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,
And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made;
Nine bean rows will I have there, a hive for the honeybee,
And live alone in the bee-loud glade.
And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,
Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;
There midnight's all a-glimmer, and noon a purple glow,
And evening full of the linnet's wings.
I will arise and go now, for always night and day
I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;
While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements gray,
I hear it in the deep heart's core.
30 April 2013I texted Warden
How are Danny and Adam?
01 May 2013 I texted Warden
As Adam and Danny's mother I am naturally concerned about their welfare and would appreciate a weekly text from you on how they are getting on.
No response to any of these texts.
02 May 2013
My Diary:
I attended Danny's school and saw deputy head Mr S. to complain that they have not kept in contact with me at all, regarding Danny, his welfare or school activities such as parent teacher evening. Also delivered to Mr S. a card for Danny which told him I loved him. A small Lego figure enclosed.
03 May 2013
15:51 My note:
Called Danny's phone, he answered then when heard my voice, hung up. I then texted to say I hoped he had received the card I delivered at school for him, and that I loved him.
10 May 2013
Letter to my solicitor
Bearing in mind the very likely chance we may not be able to discuss the CAFCASS report or anything else, I just wanted to put a couple of things onto paper.
I have decided, regardless of the report, to go ahead with court. I would like Mr. **** (a barrister) to represent me.
I heard from Mr ******** yesterday via text: "Boys are fine. Eating well. Working hard at school/college and seeing friends. They are happy and nicely settled. Their sibling bond is strong."
This was some 9 days after my request to him. I suspect the imminent report and court date, may have expedited this response! I found it interesting that, yet again, he labours the point of the 'sibling bond'. Also that he makes no suggestion regarding how we could think about reinstating some kind of initial contact between me and the boys.
In addition, I have really been racking my brains as to the very sudden and complete breakdown of the children's relationship to me. The only conclusion I can draw, is that Mr. ******** has/is practicing hypnotic suggestion on them.
I would be interested to see his reaction, should he be posed this question under oath.
I do know he had given Adam and Danny 'hypnotherapy' in the guise of 'relaxation' when they were anxious or worried about school/exams. He also sought a 'customer' satisfaction quote from Adam that was published on his commercial website.
Anyway, this deliberation is possibly too late to be of any use.
I realise you will receive this when you are next in. I hope we get the opportunity to see the CAFCASS report before your leave.
Kindest regards
12 May 2013
Poem I found
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
I do not think that they will sing to me.
I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.
TS Elliot
Another poem I found
Hope is the thing with feathers by Emily Dickinson
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
My notes:
I'm dedicated to life, and dedicated to death
Is death better than pain? Discuss.
16 May 2012
My notes:
Last Will and Testament of Lyssa ........................ This day Tuesday 15th May, 2013.
If I should die, I would like my partner **** *******to live in my house (then the address) until it is sold.
I would also like the same courtesy extended to my tenants.
I would like the house and all my assets to be sold and divided equally between my two children: Names and addresses given.
I would like my dog to live with **** *******, unless he feels unable to take responsibility for her, then she could be homed with my tenants.
My cat will sadly have to go to a Cat Sanctuary, for someone else to love him.
I would like **** to have my books, the chair painted purple and my bureau, containing all my papers, and all my snow globes.
My children may choose what they would like, if anything, from my personal effects.
My mother, Mrs (her name and address) to have all my jewellery for her to keep, distribute among my family/friends or dispose of as she sees fit. If she is unable to do this, then this task should be passed onto Mrs (name and address)
If I have forgotten anything else, then this should be settled by my mother (above address) and my solicitor (name and address)..
I would like the executers of my will to be (two friends named)
Funeral arrangements:
The cheapest funeral possible.
The casket to be borrowed.
To be cremated.
No organs donated.
Ashes to be left to the funeral directors to dispose of.
No flowers. No contributions to charity.
Music: who cares No songs so no one has to be embarrassed singing.
Humanistic service, but no humanist to be employed. Perhaps someone to say, she lived, loved, laughed and finally could take the pain no longer.
Poem I wrote
And if I were to run away, to some far endless night.
No more, nothing, naught.
I am not a coward, I am neither strong.
But life is for the living, and death subsumes the pain.
17 May 2013
My notes:
I love my children unconditionally.
I am convinced their father is unable to effectively promote a healthy loving relationship between myself and Danny and Adam.
Adam and Danny are too immature to understand their father's mental health condition, its potential consequences and how it has affected the family unit in the past.
The children have learned it is 'unsafe' to be angry with their father. Therefore they are angry with me.
The legal system and CAFCASS are unable to engage with the majority of the emotional, behavioural and mental issues encountered by this family, resulting in the current substandard situation.
CAFCASS have advised that any order of residency or a contact order would be detrimental to Danny's wellbeing. Also that Family Group Conferencing the most appropriate route to follow.
Family mediation at our current point would not be helpful, as the children are emotionally closed and any 'mediation' would be undermined or disregarded by their father.
Therefore the onus is on me as a loving parent to not only acknowledge the children's feelings, but help them through this extremely traumatic time.
Danny and Adam need professional adolescent therapeutic support to help them deal with the emotional maelstrom in which they find themselves.
I would like the children to be referred to the local Children and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS), to be counselled professionally and for myself and Warden to be incorporated in this process when deemed appropriate by the therapist.
In particular (name of senior mental health worker and details of address etc|)
She has worked with the family before. We can 'self-refer'.
If it becomes apparent this route is untenable for Danny and unsupported by Warden, I will continue to reinforce my unconditional love for them, and the constancy of my open arms.
The pursuit of any effective legal action in support of the children's welfare, at this time seems pointless.
I have found the only legal process available to me, ineffectual and detrimental to the children's well being. In my opinion the Law has failed me and my children.
21 May 2013
After court
Positive outcome at court. The judge was very scathing regarding Warden's email to the school. There was little he could do but agree to my stipulations. He had not informed his solicitor of the letter or CAFCASs addendum until yesterday. The proceedings are now closed and the court order outlines therapy through CAMHS, gentle reintroduction of Danny eg meeting at a coffee shop and then building contact at his pace until shared residency. This was everything I wanted, so now the work begins. I am very happy and if Warden does not comply, back to court at his peril.
25 May 2013
Poem I found
I watched the Moon around the House
Until upon a Pane --
She stopped -- a Traveller's privilege -- for Rest --
And there upon
I gazed -- as at a stranger --
The Lady in the Town
Doth think no incivility
To lift her Glass -- upon --
But never Stranger justified
The Curiosity
Like Mine -- for not a Foot -- nor Hand --
Nor Formula -- had she --
But like a Head -- a Guillotine
Slid carelessly away --
Did independent, Amber --
Sustain her in the sky --
Or like a Stemless Flower --
Upheld in rolling Air
By finer Gravitations --
Than bind Philosopher --
No Hunger -- had she -- nor an Inn --
Her Toilette -- to suffice --
Nor Avocation -- nor Concern
For little Mysteries
As harass us -- like Life -- and Death --
And Afterwards -- or Nay --
But seemed engrossed to Absolute --
With shining -- and the Sky --
The privilege to scrutinize
Was scarce upon my Eyes
When, with a Silver practise --
She vaulted out of Gaze --
And next -- I met her on a Cloud --
Myself too far below
To follow her superior Road --
Or its advantage -- Blue --
9 June 2013
Draft letter to Warden
I hear that you are telling me Danny was angry when you discussed dog walking and visit to seal sanctuary with me.
Danny in your presence is naturally loyal to you and struggles with anything that he thinks you might perceive as 'disloyal'. Or as you eloquently put it to him some months ago, a means of 'punishing' you and 'punishing' himself.
Currently he has bought into subconsciously pacifying you, as this is his 'safe' world.
For Danny's sake and to help him understand that it's OK to love me, in your presence, it is imperative you support Danny and I to reconciliation by doing things that are out of his comfort zone.
These are very small things, taking dog for a walk, going on a short visit to somewhere he loves, the Seal Sanctuary.
I need you to support me in this as much as possible. I suggest we all meet, you, me, and Danny at Sainsburys cafe, next weekend to demonstrate unity and show Danny we both have a common purpose ie Danny's best interests and happiness.
Notes:
The Contact Order section 1. (ii)
'the parties and Danny will meet on a regular basis informally for contact at venues and times to be agreed.'
By Consent The Court Orders
2. The Respondant father shall make the child Danny ******** (31/07/01) available for contact with the Applicant Mother, (Anonymous) follows:
i. Every Wednesday after school until 6pm
ii. Every other Saturday overnight from 12 noon Saturday until 1pm Sunday
iii. One half of the school holidays dates to be agreed between the parties
iv. any other variation as may be agreed between the parties.
9 June 2012
Text from Warden
I will be adhering to what was agreed in Court and with Cafcass. Please refer to the Order which is by consent. The purpose of CAMHS is to facilitate your reconciliation with Danny, and my role is only to 'promote you in a positive light'. We are doing this as a family. We have always done this and will continue to do so. Please continue to keep in contact with Danny by text during the week, and continue to meet as agreed in Court.
The Contact Order section 1. (ii)
'the parties and Danny will meet on a regular basis informally for contact at venues and times to be agreed.'
16 June 2013
I am concerned with Danny's welfare. Late Sunday evening I was informed by Warden that he had taken him to the GP on Thursday 13th June. And apparently the GP has recommended counselling for Danny.
Please see Warden's texts. I am, quite naturally concerned for Danny's welfare and distressed to find out about it, despite Warden's continued text assurances that Danny is emotionally OK, that ........, with the GPs (Dr .....) recommendations, would you not now reconsider seeing Danny?
25 June 2013
My notes:
I have finally heard from CAHMS, who after much deliberation feel the best way forward for Danny and Adam and us is to seek the Family Mediation Services.
I am loathe to go down this route, as your previous record at these events is to agree everything and then do exactly as you please, following your own selfish and in turned agenda (as noted by the solicitors at ACCORD mediation).
I hold little hope that this mediation process will serve any purpose. However, being a strong woman and fiercely protective mother, nothing will deter me from pursuing what is best for Danny and Adam, despite your own nefarious plans.
Dr. ****** said you always were a bullshitter, and for that I forgive you. Mental illness, Bipolar Disorder and the 'PTSD' that you like to believe you developed, although one might see it as a rather neat explanation to your erratic and destructive mentally unstable behaviours, is not your fault. You will never have the ability to have complete insight into your destructive illness, nor the damage you do to your children and others, let alone yourself. Which is very sad.
I forgive you for all the appalling treatment you meted out to me and the children over the years. The controlling, alienating mentally abusive way you interacted with your 'family'. Mental scars are so much harder to heal than physical ones you know. Although having seen Nigella Lawson held around the throat by her husband made me recall how frightened I used to be in the same position, when you would fly into a rage. I can remember screaming at you 'Im not frightened of you!' because that was all I had left. You stripped me of my independence, my love of life, my friendships, my family connections and indeed anything that identified me as myself (gives her name).
The children have learned adaptive behaviours. How could they possibly understand that it's not right to have your bedroom trashed because its untidy, or have water poured over you because you have not got up from bed. Or that halfway through a journey to a special treat or outing, it's normal to turn around and drive home; or to expect all the latest technology will be acquired without knowing its worth.
Adam became introverted and deeply silent in his emotions. Why? Because its so much safer than showing his father what he really felt. And Danny blindly follows your every dictate, because he has learned it's safer to do so, your previous unpredictable behaviour has taught him that, and Mum is much easier and safer to let down.
So Warden, I really do forgive you. It's not your fault. You are a victim, as are the rest of us to your mental illness. It is time for me continue to control and assume the role of protector of the children.
28 JUne 2013
Text to Danny
Hi Danny, sounds like you are comfortable just the way things are. As a mother, it's really important for me to hear you are happy and OK.
I don't understand why you don't feel able to come to the house, but that's OK too. One day, when you are in a good place, perhaps you can explain it.
I want you to know and understand my love for you and Adam, will never stop. A mother's love, my love, is unconditional.
I am unable to continue with meeting at Costa coffee. I feel very uncomfortable there. It takes a lot of organisation and I feel sad when you decide you want to go after 5 minutes. Sometimes it doesn't work out, because Dad is running late.
We need to come to a compromise, that both of us feel comfortable with.
I am at home most evenings and weekends. Feel free to pop over and say Hi. Or I can meet at the park at the end of your street, or at the mini roundabout.
Can you think of another way of seeing me, other than going to a coffee shop? Somewhere that would be really easy to do for both of us. I'd like to hear your suggestions.
Just let me know when you feel ready.
Love Mum xxx
26 June 2013
Text to Danny
Hey Danny, you are going to be so excited! Do you remember when (name of pet cat) was a kitten? Well, when you come over next time... you can see our brand new 11 week old kitten! Guess what colour he is?
7 July 2013
Poem I wrote
Soft night cool breeze.
I hear his breathing.
Restless are the leaves.
Night sky before the summer dawn.
Pricked by stars of questionable age.; are they dead?
Two shooting stars, brief and bright. Elation of that secret sight.
Gentle breathing.
No bird song, it must be early. No creature moving. Dead of night. Summer's night, no moon but stars a pale dark sky. A couple of satellites pass by.
A subtle movement, gentle stir, breathing deepens.
The shivering leaves are music on this beauteous hour. The fresh earthy scent is carried by. Nothing but the stars, him and I exist.
A gentle snore, a wry smile, how cool my skin as the wind blows by. The sky is fractionally lighter, the stars have moved.
The call of bed, of being drawn into arms so strong, and sleepy kisses is too much.
One last look at the sky, a sense of wonder. I pull back covers and seek peace. I sigh, a lover's sigh.
11 July 2013
Trying to compose something for my birthday party speech
I would like to tell you of significant events in the last 5 decades
July 1963 in (name of foreign vountry)
Beatles recorded ‘She loves you’
Blue Velvet Bobby Vinton
South-African ANC Walter Sisulu and others arrested for promoting the banned ANC
12 July, 1963 Hungary announces the breaking-off of trade relations with South Africa although I doubt this was of little interest to a very special woman in labour Florence Nightingale Hospital and having little girl
Famous Photograph of Christine Keeler: Profumo Affair
What was more concerning was…
July 1973: (Name of school attended) School
"Live & Let Die," James Bond film premieres
France performs nuclear Test at Muruora Atoll un the Pacific
July 1983: 2nd year student nurse at (name of hospital) Diary extract…
1983 British Airways Sikorsky S-61 crash Penzance to IOS 20 died
Rod Stewart: Baby Jane
Police: Every Breath you take
Paul Young: Wherever I lay my hat…
Movie: Educating Rita
July 1993: Living in ***** and Theatre Nursing at ****
Vincent Price, River Phonix and Stewart Granger die
World Trade Centre Bomb
Steven Laurence
Jamie Bulger
Jurassic Park
The biggest selling single of the year came from Meat Loaf, who hit #1 for seven weeks from October with "I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)".
The only song to sell over a million in 1993 was one from the previous year, Whitney Houston's cover of "I Will Always Love You".
2 years before Adam born
July 2003: Living in ***********
2 year after Danny Born
Crazy in Love Beyoncé Oh o oh o oh o oh
Finding Nemo
Calender Girls
Pirates of the Carribean
July 2013: Living in *****
18 July 2013
Notes
Tired spaced hurt claustrophobic
25 July 2013
My notes
Thank you, Warden - In claiming more maintenance from me I can now carry on my life, safe in the knowledge, there is nothing else you can take or do to me.
Your parentage, upbringing and illness, which you will never be free from, drove me to the lowest ebb in my life and almost broke my spirit but now, thanks to my genes, upbringinging, inner strength, training and intelligence and support of my parents and friends, I am rising from the distressingly painful ashes of our marriage and am a stronger person for it. Your final act of greed and avarice mean I can now live the rest of my life safe knowing there is nothing more you can do to me.
My only and greatest regret is that you have alienated my two wonderful boys from me and that I could not protect them from your illness. This is an evil thing you have done, Warden and I shall always live in the hope that one day, when they are men and have learnt a little more of life, they will look back and remember the little subtleties you employed to turn them against me, and they will then feel they want to seek me out to renew our relationship. Then, as happened with my own mother, I will welcome them back with open, loving, welcoming arms.
I shall, of course, always to live in hope that what you have done to me in spite and avarice, wakes you occasionally at night and stirs your long dead conscience however I shall not hold my breath waiting because, of course, in your mind only you are right!
The door to my past life is now closed, with you and the pain of living with you and your mental illness stuck fast on one side, and me, a much stronger and wiser survivor and the sane one, walking away from twenty three years of living under your control and domination.
I trust that these few words from me stay with you for the rest of your life and, as the old saying goes, if I never see you again it will be too soon.
CSA
I have some questions for you:
Why have you still not explained why Danny's counsellor doesn't appear to have any professional credentials?
Why do you continue to be evasive and difficult about what's going on in Danny's life particularly with regard to GP visits and counselling? I have no say in any arrangements or choices made for him. Do you think this is right?
Would you care to explain exactly how you are promoting a positive image of his mother to him, and encouraging him to see me?
Why are your 'weekly updates' patently NOT weekly and so bland and deliberately lacking in information? Do you think this is an acceptable way for a father to behave?
And why have you now claimed for Danny through the CSA when I specifically asked you not to do so as it would put me under intolerable financial strain?
What kind of a man are you? It's blindingly obvious that you have no intention whatsoever of following the court order or any other agreement made with regard to the children. Your 'efforts' at helping the boys be reconciled with their mother are contemptible and insulting.
26 July 2013
My notes in reply to his text:
Can I confirm that you are saying, having asked Danny, if he would like to see me for 30 minutes at an outdoors public cafe in the park, he was upset?
That you also find my request distasteful and 'controlling'
Perhaps you could ask CAFCASS to define '
The Court Order specifically stated '
Can you define 'damage limitation'
I have been advised by CAHMS and CAFCASS that the CAHMS route would be inappropriate for Danny. Therefore Family Mediation is our next option. Since they do not accept 'self-referral' I have asked (Name of officer) from CAFCASS has agreed to refer us.
I am awaiting notification from them.
I am at a loss as to why you hinder Danny's establishing of a relationship with me by putting Danny on the defensive by bluntly relating my request to see him.
It is in Danny's best interests that he is raised by both of us, we support Danny to enjoy a positive relationship with the other, he is clear about the arrangements for spending time with each of us, and not exposed to sudden changes in arrangements unless it’s unavoidable
26 July 2013
My notes
I feel as if I have no control
He sounds as if he is entirely believable
He has created this life around him and my boys, even calls his partner the 'step mother'
Such happy family
So cruel to divide Danny and Adam from me
And now, FGC that he has set up
It sounds so good to people who don't know him.
They will believe his vision.
Who will be able to rationally and calmly state my position?
FGC must be the right way to go?
But I hate him. He, even now, is trying to control me. I hate him. He has sucked everything that was good about my life out. I am a dry old husk.
I don't want piecemeal. He makes me sound as if I am the 'bad' one. The one the boys had problems with.
To the 'authorities' I am the 'thing' that must be solved. How clever is he to make me feel as if I have done something wrong.
He is evil and untrustworthy.
I have no where to go, no escape from him or his influence. I have tried to expunge him from my life, but he worms back in like a maggot on a piece of rotting food.
What choices do I have?
To go forward with FGC and put up and shut up for Danny's sake
To go forward with FGC and argue and rail against the unfairness and be seen as a 'difficult' mother.
To not take part, leaving Danny and Adam to Warden's wicked devices.
To not take part in life, an ever attractive answer to stop the pain.
What would you do?
It doesn't make any difference.
A year of court and wrangling, has made no difference.
FGC will make no difference.
Doing nothing will make no difference.
Choosing to permanently walk away, will put an end to this.
Running out of viable options.
So taking choice back into my hands...
I could return to court for an enforcement order. But this could be too late after Warden's master 360 degree turn around and manipulations.
I could refuse FGC and leave the situation as the status quo. Let them all get on with it.
I could leave this world to end the pain and constant battling and loss of children and control.
14 August 2013
To CAFCASS:
My reasons for divorce and separation were to escape Warden’s controlling
and abusive behaviour. I wanted to provide a lifestyle for Adam and Danny which, while including their father through shared parental responsibility, also
provided them with a nurturing ‘child-centred’ haven, secure from Warden’s mood
swings, need to control and distorted view of reality.
Since declaring my decision to separate and divorce, Warden launched an
insidious assault on the boy’s relationships with me, which has undermined all
of the opportunities to establish a healthy ‘post-separation/divorce’ family
life. Warden has consistently undermined my attempts to supportively introduce
and help the children to come to terms with this new stage in their lives
by:
• refusing to leave the matrimonial
home thus confusing the children’s understanding of the separation
• isolating the children from me,
family and friends
• attempting to isolate the children
from other practitioners and other support
• coercing the children to ally with
him, through gifts and treats
• undermining my ability to
parent
• contradicting the rules for the
children e.g. bed time
• falsely accusing me of bad
parenting including ‘cheating’ on him; ‘abusing’ alcohol; and me being mentally
ill (to the children and to others).
I agree that the children are angry and resentful of me; I have always
accepted that they would find it easier to be angry with me because my love for
them has been ‘unconditional’ and in their experience, untainted by the
unpredictable and sometimes scary effects of Warden’s bipolar mood swings.
Therefore it is ‘safer’ for them to resent me.
I do not blame Warden for this destructive behaviour since it is due to
both extrinsic and intrinsic factors, beyond his control: disastrous young
relationship he had with his own alcoholic mother; advent of bipolar
disorder/post-traumatic stress; authoritarian role and experiences as a police
officer.
I felt and still feel I can provide the children with a home environment
where they can feel trusted, respected, and emotionally secure and experience a
consistent approach to discipline. The boys need a balanced view to life and
demonstrable mother’s love and affection, encouragement and support.
I am sad that Warden is unable to portray me in a positive light, nor help
the children deconstruct their ‘severe’ negative opinion. I believe Warden will
never be able to help Adam and Danny reframe and reconstruct positive,
affirming and healthy attitudes towards me. Indeed, Warden still attempts to
exert divisive behaviour by attending and remaining at every contact I have with
Danny and allowing Adam to hear unconstructive discussion between Warden and
his new partner about me.
Previous family mediation failed as Warden constantly broke any mutual
agreements brokered in the ‘mediation’ sessions. The divorce agreement and
subsequent court order has also been treated with equal disdain by Warden and he
continues to make arbitrary decisions and arrangements for and about the
children, with no consultation to me. Time is passing and his hold over the
children increases. With protracted timelines alluded to by FGC I fear the
length of time it takes to try and sort things through this process (if even
possible) is simply too long and therefore the only option open to return to
court to apply for an Enforcement Order.
(My mother and I had, for some time, been referring to Warden as AH. An apt description of him and I leave you to work out what this means!)
Trapped
Frightened
In pain
Guilt
Trapped by AH and his control over the children, and therefore ultimate control/punishment over me.
Trapped by having to work
Trapped to a house too expensive, too close to AH, too full of memories and things.
Trapped by having to live, to conform.
Frightened I will not see my children for years.
Frightened I will die accidentally and never see them
Frightened they may die by accident/illness and never see them again
Frightened if I don't work, I will lose my job and my house and the comfort I am used to living with
In pain from being trapped and frightened.
Thinking of my children hurts
Thinking of working hurts
Thinking of not being there for ? hurts
It feels like a world of pain and hurt, so overwhelming. The only way to dull the pain and hurt is to distract by activity or drugs.
They are all temporary and have varying degrees of successfulness for varying amounts of time.
I wallow
I self-pity
I allow my tears and crying
I think of ways to end the pain
I am unable at times to move myself from this pit of despair. I lack the skills, the motivation, the energy.
Right now, I feel confused, blurry, fuzzy around the edges. I can't think or see straight. I thought this would feel nice. It doesn't, because the fear is still there.
I thought I could escape to sleep, but even there my unconscious plays tricks. I dream of the AH and his success in all things. I dream, still of tidal waves, and being overwhelmed and trapped beneath the water. I dream of Danny and wake to find he is not part of my life.
Then I feel guilty, because I should have the tools to sever this 'control', it is not after all a physical entity, but one grown in my head. Simply electrical connections and hormones.
I feel guilt because all of this seems so self-indulgent.
I feel embarrassed that I am weak, pathetic, droning on and on, day to day with cowardly intent. No braveness nor desire nor apparent ability to move on from this spiral of entrapment, fear, pain, guilt.
This is the sum of all my fears. And I'm not proud.
Pride, strength of character, any courageous person would act! Take up arms and fight to right the wrongs, or in humility accept the things that can not change, and make a brave choice to cut all ties, to sever once and for all the chains of life.
I am not brave, I am not courageous. I am a pathetic worm, writing and sliming and crawling in the earth. Step on me. Put me out of my misery.
30 August 2013
Notes
The price was dearly cost
@BlurtAlerts: "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself". George Bernard Shaw
1 September 2013
A poem I wrote
Grief
Silent cries, an endless keening,
Ah yes I remember nought but dreaming.
The darkling hours of the night,
do not procure a sweet respite.
Light-winged dawn illuminates pain,
Whose Stygian breath knows my name.
There is no escape from my soul's screaming, a Promethien torment
claws my brain. Can nothing stop, am I insane?
05 September 2013
Draft letter to my Counsellor
Hi (name)
I need your support. My line manager *** and *** have asked me to come into work on Friday (before *** goes on A/L) to discuss discuss any actions that they may be able to take to facilitate my return to work.
The thing is, I'm in such an emotionally vulnerable place at the moment that this seems an impossible thing to do. Initially I have agreed, because it seemed so official, but in the 24 hours they made contact I completely disintegrated again. Tears, anguish, panic attack. I am suffering immense emotional turmoil. How I feel is frightening, but people (GP, counsellor and emotionally intelligent friends/family) tell me its also very normal. I need to go gently. Enjoy my art therapy (studio) and its warmth and safety.
I'm frightened, if I attend a meeting like this, that I might not hear what they are saying, might agree to something with out proper thought, and be unable to function before during and after.
What is your advice?
Letter to my manager
Dear ***,
I'm in such an emotionally vulnerable place at the moment that coming into see you and *** seems an impossible thing to do. Initially I have agreed, because it seemed so official, but in the 24 hours they made contact I completely disintegrated again. Tears, anguish, panic attack. I am suffering immense emotional turmoil. How I feel is frightening, but people (GP, counsellor and friends/family) tell me its also very normal. I need to go gently. Enjoy my art therapy (studio) and its warmth and safety.
I'm frightened, if I attend a meeting like this, that I might not hear what you are saying, might agree to something with out proper thought, and be unable to function before during and after.
Nevertheless, I know you are trying to help me and follow due process. It must be a tricky path to follow. I've asked *** to come and hold my hand. I just wanted to let you know I trying. regards
9 September 2013
Draft of planned letter to AH
My reasons for divorce and separation were to escape your controlling and abusive behaviour. I wanted to provide a lifestyle for Danny and Adam which, while including you through shared parental responsibility, also provided them with a nurturing ‘child-centred’ haven, secure from your mood swings, need to control and distorted view of reality.
Since declaring my decision to separate and divorce, you launched an insidious assault on the boy’s relationships with me, which has undermined all of the opportunities to establish a healthy ‘post-separation/divorce’ family life. You have consistently undermined my attempts to supportively introduce and help the children to come to terms with this new stage in their lives by:
• refusing to leave the matrimonial home thus confusing the children’s understanding of the separation
• isolating the children from me, family and friends
• attempting to isolate the children from other practitioners and other support
• coercing the children to ally with you, through gifts and treats
• undermining my ability to parent
• contradicting the rules for the children e.g. bed time
• falsely accusing me of bad parenting including ‘cheating’ on you; ‘abusing’ alcohol; and me being mentally ill (to the children and to others).
I agree that the children are angry and resentful of me; I have always accepted that they would find it easier to be angry with me because my love for them has been ‘unconditional’ and in their experience, untainted by the unpredictable and sometimes frightening effects of your bipolar mood swings. Therefore it is ‘safer’ for them to resent me.
I do not blame you, Warden, for this destructive behaviour since it is due to both extrinsic and intrinsic factors, beyond your control: the disastrous young relationship you had with your own alcoholic mother; the advent of bipolar disorder/post-traumatic stress; authoritarian role and experiences as a police officer.
I felt and still feel I can provide the children with a home environment where they can feel trusted, respected, and emotionally secure and experience a consistent approach to discipline. The boys need a balanced view to life and demonstrable mother’s love and affection, encouragement and support.
I am sad that you are unable to portray me in a positive light, nor help the children deconstruct their ‘severe’ negative opinion. I believe you will never be able to help Adam and Danny reframe and reconstruct positive, affirming and healthy attitudes towards me. Indeed, you still attempt to exert divisive behaviour by attending and remaining at every contact I have with Danny and allowing Adam to hear unconstructive discussion between you and your new partner about me.
Previous family mediation failed as you constantly broke any mutual agreements brokered in the ‘mediation’ sessions. The divorce agreement and subsequent court order has also been treated with equal disdain by you and you continue to make arbitrary decisions and arrangements for and about the children, with no consultation to me. Time is passing and your hold over the children increases. With protracted timelines alluded to by FGC I fear the length of time it takes to try and sort things through this process (if even possible) is simply too long and therefore the only option open is to return to court to apply for an Enforcement Order.
13 September 2013
My notes
I started therapy yesterday. A lovely, well qualified woman who engendered trust and one I think I can work with.
I was frightened I would lose control and burst with crying, but we managed to navigate some very painful and difficult territory without complete loss of dignity.
We discussed methods of keeping myself safe, ways of looking after myself, caring for myself and therapy. Words used were 'mindfulness', 'creativity', 'time', 'kindness', 'love'.
I acknowledged I have travelled, for such a long time, through the most inhospitable landscape. Constantly giving and giving to other people; to the extent that I have exhausted my own pot of 'Lyssaness'. And by 'exhausted' I mean really to the last drops in what was an ocean of Lyssa.
In addition to this treacherous journey, the last few years, months and weeks I have been subjected to the ultimate pinnacle of deep unutterable pain. The pain is like a raw open battle wound, alternatively bleeding, pustulating and generally degrading and gnawing the very flesh of what was/is left if me.
So here I am today, unable to string thoughts, unable to concentrate, unable to relax (except for drugs), unable to care for myself, since the desire to still try and 'look after' others is overriding.
Discussed with therapist what I can do to help myself: meditation, creativity and continuing to keep resting, being gentle on expectations of myself and seeking gentle diversions.
The pain I have experienced and continue to experience would have finished off others. But I am Lyssa, I have been strong, I have deep reserves that can be filled again. My inner beauty and lovely ness and love will prevail again, if I allow myself time to heal myself, stop putting pressure on myself and encouraging patience in myself.
13 September 2013
Try ring to write an artists bio for me
(Editor: What is written here will identify her to everyone so it has been with-held to protect her.)
A lifetime of nursing and now the opportunity to release my artistic soul. After a Foundation in Fine Art at ******** I find myself
Life-changing event
Therapy
Outlet to express
Colour
Freedom
Self-worth
Symbolism, detail, mystique,
My Diary: Seeking Silence
I'm struggling to talk with anyone other than ?. I seek quietude, solitude. Peace.
I'm finally allowed to withdraw and lick my wounds. Whether because I have acknowledged this through the help of a professional I have faith in, or whether whatever... I sense an opportunity for peace and renewal.
It's up to me to take the opportunity: the need to withdraw from society to become comfortable with myself.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
My Diary: The pain
It's too much to bear. I don't know how to deal with it. The immensity of the pain is... no words. No future. I love you Danny. I love you Adam.
I feel like a limpet or hermitic crab. I need to feel VERY safe and secure. That means I don't stray far from ?, the bed or the house. At the moment I’m clinging to ?'s energy. I fear I may suffocate him with my need for closeness, touching and security. Being safe means trying to assuage my feeling of insecurity. I don't know why I feel insecure or unable to go out. I just do. My intuition tells me this is OK, so I’m in a lucky position that I can pander to this feeling. That makes me feel a bit better.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
My Diary:
1.12 am
Grief
(Read) Good article on bereavement. Doesn't mention the bereavement of the living... *wry smile
Every day arrives
Every day arrives and I have to work out how I’m going to do it again. How I'm going to put one foot in front of the other? Without the boys, without being a mother?
I dreamt of unhealed rotting flesh.
2.57 am
Hope
Oh... I feel like Pandora... opening ?'s box. I cannot bear this pain and not try to do something. I fear I have just given him more pain :-(((((((
Monday, September 16, 2013
My Diary: 12.23 pm
Meditation
Deep calming, relaxing meditation. Mmmm.
5 am
Today I feel fresh. Light. Good. Guilty.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
My Diary: Today has not been a good day.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
My Diary:
Good day followed by bad. Yesterday was bad, didn't even want to go to the studio. Stayed under anything that would cover my head, the duvet, the sofa blanket, ?'s arm. The weekend was rough. Monday was good. I'm seeing the psychotherapist again today.
I think my sick cert runs out this week. I'm finding it hard to take myself to GP, making an appointment and turning up seems like a task beyond my abilities. Each night I take sleeping tablet to sleep. Some days now I need Valium just to calm me down from entering into hysterical crying.
I had an appointment with the mental health team last week. They changed it three times because of staff sickness (ironic). By the time the final agreed appointment came, 5 minutes before it was due I cancelled in utter panic of having to retell my story. Next appointment they gave me was for October 11th.
I texted Danny and asked if he would like to see me on Friday. The response was as expected, Costa at 5.30.
I so desperately need to see him, to touch him... I'll do anything.
I started sorting his books and toys and games and clothes out. I need to whitewash my old life out of this house. I want to get rid of all the clutter. I texted him to see if he wanted anything. His response read 'no thanks.'
I want to stop my brain thinking.
I want to figuratively paint everything white.
Friday, September 20, 2013
My Diary: Time
I just have to get through, until time passes and it becomes less painful.
By utilising my inner strength and mechanisms I have created to help protect me when deep distress comes knocking.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
My Diary: What am I to do?
4 Tasks of Mourning
Task I - To Accept the Reality of a Loss
Task II -To Experience the Pain of Grief
Task III -To Adjust to an Environment in which the Deceased is
Missing
Task IV -To Withdraw Emotional Energy and Reinvest It
Sunday, September 22, 2013
My Diary:
The Obsessed Alienator and how he thinks:
I love my children. If the court can't protect them from their abusive mother, I will. Eventhough she's never abused the children, I know it's a matter of time. The children are frightened of their mother. If they don't want to see her, I'm not going to force them. They are old enough to make up their own minds."
The obsessed alienator is a parent, or sometimes a grandparent, with a cause: to align the children to his or her side and together, with the children, campaign to destroy their relationship with the targeted parent. For the campaign to work, the obsessed alienator enmeshes the children's personalities and beliefs into their own.
This is a process that takes time but one that the children, especially the young, are completely helpless to see and combat. It usually begins well before the divorce is final. The obsessed parent is angry, bitter or feels betrayed by the other parent. The initial reasons for the bitterness may actually be justified. They could have been verbally and physical abused, raped, betrayed by an affair, or financially cheated. The problem occurs when the feelings won't heal but instead become more intense because of being forced to continue the relationship with a person they despise because of their common parenthood. Just having to see or talk to the other parent is a reminder of the past and triggers the hate. They are trapped with nowhere to go and heal.
The characteristics of obsessed alienators are:
They are obsessed with destroying the children's relationship with the targeted parent.
They having succeeded in enmeshing the children's personalities and beliefs about the other parent with their own.
The children will parrot the obsessed alienator rather than express their own feelings from personal
experience with the other parent.
The targeted parent and often the children cannot tell you the reasons for their feelings.Their beliefs
sometimes becoming delusional and irrational. No one, especially the court, can convince obsessed alienators that they are wrong. Anyone who tries is the enemy.
They will often seek support from family members, quasi-political groups or friends that will share in their beliefs that they are victimized by the other parent and the system. The battle becomes "us against them." The obsessed alienator's supporters are often seen at the court hearings even though they haven't been subpoenaed.
They have an unquenchable anger because they believe that they have been victimized by the targeted parent and whatever they do to protect the children is justified.
They have a desire for the court to punish the other parent with court orders that would interfere or block the targeted parent from seeing the children. This confirms in the obsessed alienator's mind that he or she was right all the time.
The court's authority does not intimidate them.
The obsessed alienator believes in a higher cause, protecting the children at all cost.
The obsessed alienator will probably not want to read what is on these pages because the content just makes them angrier.
There are no effective treatments for either the obsessed alienator or the children. The courts and mental health professionals are helpless. The only hope for these children is early identification of the symptoms and prevention. After the alienation is entrenched and the children become "true believers" in the parent's cause, the children are lost to the other parent for years to come. We realize this is a sad statement, but we have yet to find an effective intervention, by anyone, including the courts that can rehabilitate the alienating parent and child.
Monday, September 23, 2013
My Diary: You have no idea
You have no f*****g idea do you. Any 'anxiety' Danny now holds has been carefully engendered by you over the last year. I don't expect you to feel the remotest shame at what you have done to the children or me, since it has purely satisfied your own personal agenda. And that was always, and will always, be you. One thing you cannot undo is the fact I am their mother. And one day they will recognise your evil agenda of singular annihilation and persecution of me.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
My Diary: Something for myself today.
Copy letter to work sent today:
Dear S,
I saw my GP yesterday. He has written me off work for a further month and keen for me to work with the CMHT because I am still experiencing suicidal thoughts.
I'm writing to you, because talking is extremely painful and emotionally upsetting. Coming in to see you tomorrow would be an enormous setback for me at this moment.
I understand you have managerial responsibility for me, and as an employee I also have a responsibility to you. I'm doing my best to keep you updated and informed. I would respectfully request your support in not coming in to see you tomorrow.
I am open to you visiting me at home, if you feel that would be necessary, or would like to do so.
I saw my therapist yesterday and she is helping me work through this devastating time. We talked about how I need emotional rest and re-cooperation. I am going to go away to a retreat to try and give me time to create a safe space to heal.
I am keen to work things out and keep you informed, so you know exactly where I am and how I am trying to heal myself. I ask your forbearance, patience, kindness, support and advice.
I respect you hugely and know you have my best interests at heart.
Kindest regards
Reply
Dear *******
Thank you for keeping me informed, I fully understand how our meeting tomorrow will not support your recovery so I will postpone our next meeting until you are more able to attend.
As always I wish you all the very best and a full recovery.I am on leave from tomorrow for 2 weeks so I will be in touch on my return. Kind regards and take care.
27 September 2013
After meeting Danny at Costa
I had brought him a present. He refused it. We talked or rather I talked and tried to find out why he was angry with me. He said there were lots of things, but he didn't want to say. I said I understood I had made him angry and I apologised and said sorry and I let him know I had heard what he had said. I asked him if he felt anxious about seeing me and I told him I felt the same. He said he would rather talk at Family Group Conference. I said I had cancelled it. That my only option was to go back to court to see him, but that I didn't want to do that and I'm sure he didn't want to do that either.
I said that he needs to think about how it will affect him not having a relationship with me, as that's not normal, but for the moment, because he is anxious and it's making me anxious, and ill, that I would see him when ever he wanted, he just needs to text me. I laboured the point that I was so sorry I had hurt him, that I didn't know what I had done, that I would always be ready to see him, that I loved him. I think he heard me as I checked. I will also follow it up with a text of what we said. I feel very tired now. Glad that I had the ability to get through very calmly. I hope I've done the right thing.
29 September 2013
My notes
I just have to get through, until time passes and it becomes less painful.
By utilising my inner strength and mechanisms I have created to help protect me when deep distress comes knocking.
My notes - text
Hello my angel Danny, thank you for being so grown-up. I know I have made you angry and upset in the past, I'm so so very sorry. I never, ever meant to. I love you very very much, Mumma xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
30 September 2013
Either my mother or a friend wrote this or I read it on Internet:
"Everyone except the very young or very dull has felt the pain of breaking up with someone they love at some point in their lives. Grief, whether it is at the end of a relationship because they slammed the door on their way out of a relationship or were accidentally squished by a bus on the way to the post office has exactly the same effect of the psyche of those left behind. We all go through stages of denial, anger, negotiation, depression and acceptance.
Not everyone goes through these stages at the same rate (it’s estimated that it can take someone half the length of a serious relationship to get over it so if you were married for fifteen years the emotional effects are likely to live on for another seven or eight years, and seriously impact on your next relationship(s).
Sometimes you can experience two or three stages at once; sometimes you barely experience a stage at all. If a new trauma comes along to awaken old wounds you can go back to an earlier point on your emotional journey. You can get stuck at one of the stages (and if that’s happened for any length of time then it’s time to call in the professionals to help you gain some perspective, seriously - pick up the phone and dial for a counsellor).
It’s at this point that a former partner uses Parental Alienation most destructively. Sanity has nothing to do with it, she’s angry, she’s lashing out, she is going to use the best weapon she has and you are both going to pay – suddenly the children hear that it’s your fault that she can’t afford to send them to private school or ballet classes, you are taking their father away from them and their father is letting it happen.
This is where you stand a chance of finding a way through all the mess the adults have created together. Finally she will see that there is no way back and she has to forge a relationship for the future – Of course some women deal with this by concluding that the best way to get on with their lives is to wipe their previous relationship from existence. They remove themselves and their children from having anything to do with their former family, up sticks and make a fresh start somewhere else, leaving your devastated partner to get on with his new life with you minus his children.
Some women do come to their senses. They can see that you are not second cousin to the wicked witch of the west, that you do care about their children, that you are competent and capable, and will try to turn things around so at the end of the day it’s the children who come out of this ok.
The trouble is by this point you are probably so traumatised by all the emotional trash she’s shovelled in your direction that you don’t trust her, you don’t like her, you are allergic to her name, your partner doesn’t want to have anything to do with his ex this side of the devil getting ice skating lessons, the solicitors are very wealthy and their children think you and he are public enemy no 1.
If you can get to this point quickly then you stand a chance of having less trauma to deal with, less harm to your relationship and to the children, and everything settling down so if your partner is rushing around to help his ex to move house, doing everything he can to play happy families with his former family out of guilt for the effect on the children, fear of losing contact or grief of his own, then he is doing himself and everyone else no favours and you should consider the merits of asking him to decide which family he wants to be part of
worked through her issues and come out of the grief tunnel. It’s perfectly natural for her to feel like this but it isn’t going to be pleasant. All you can do is hang on for the ride and remember the second wives mantra.
These are his ex-partners problems,
You can’t control her behaviour and make it better,
You and your partner can only control your behaviour."
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
My Diary: When will it be my time?
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
My Diary:
Yesterday was full of emotion, every sort. Anger, fear, depression, guilt.
I felt lost, despair, sadness, deep sadness.
In the afternoon I had a therapy session. It was intense. Deep thinking required. Listening and trying to understand. Guilt.
Guilt
noun
[mass noun]
the fact of having committed a specified or implied offence or crime: it is the duty of the prosecution to prove the prisoner’s guilt
a feeling of having committed wrong or failed in an obligation:he remembered with sudden guilt the letter from his mother that he had not yet read
Friday, October 4, 2013
My Diary:
2.36 pm
Why is life so sacred? Why do we think it so precious? Some of our loved ones have passed. We all will die. Life's ironic certainty. So why is it bad to take life into your own hands and decide one’s own fate. One’s own death date?
Saturday, October 5, 2013
My Diary: House
Thinking of moving on, physically and metaphorically.
Monday, October 7, 2013
My Diary:
4.30 am
The point of life
What is life's purpose? To reproduce, to ensure the continuation of a species. And what then? What is ones purpose when that is over? What is the meaning if ines life?
What is the point if my life now? It has no meaning, no point, no purpose.
I'm missing huge swathes of my children's life. I am no part of it. I may be no part of it in the future. My reason d'être as mother is over.
What now? A yawning cavern of... nothing? Who am I? What am I? I have no purpose?
Why would I want to contribute? My life means nothing. Is nothing. Quicksilver, leaking and pouring away.
Soon, nothing left.
4.31 am
I struggle when people get angry. It upsets me, because... I don't know why. It frightens me. I don't like it. I don't like it at all. Then I get angry, then I repress that because it feels wrong.
Should I get angry back? I don't know how to handle it. And then eventually time passes and all is calm again.
It feels right in my upper chest, when I'm angry.
It's like learning a new emotional language. I thought I knew how to feel, how to be, turns out I don't. I thought I was 'emotionally intelligent', well perhaps I am with out his emotions, but my own? Have I masked from everyone my real feelings? And now it's been so long, I don't even know what my real feelings are. I don't know how to trust them, or even if they are real?
I'm living in a f****d up, made up world, where nothing makes sense. Nothing will make sense and that draws me to the same conclusion, time after time. What is the point of continuing when there is no point, when there is no reality, when the world outside is full of pain.
A break
Utter break, time off, time out. Nothingness. No memory triggers, new place. All this means there is a glimmer. A glimmer of what, who? Where, why, how I am. I sense the need to find out 'me'. I can't do that currently, in my present prison. But away, away from that, I can feel my cells, on a molecular level, beginning to relax, just like roasted meat needs time to rest after the oven.
Ahhhhh... no decisions, no thoughts, nothing. Feels pleasant.
I want to...
Live off the grid. Not be part of the day to day slog and 'survival' of living with a mortgage, bills, commitments.
Dreams
So real, so vicious, so hurtful and requiring me to do something so intimate and terrible. Very real memories.
And the other so smart, self-righteous, scheming, kniving and simply vile. Still hoping he had me, and I would see I had made a mistake.
I'm so glad I'm safe from him. Huge guilt at leaving the children, subjected to him. Innocent and guileless.
This one week, though, I'll try to forget.
4.33 am
Guilt
Most of my life has been lived in guilt.
No more.
8 October 2013
Draft for a blog to the boys
A blogger for my children
Dearest ones, I have never given up on you. I have fought and fought and fought for you. Finally, though and with deep painful sadness, I have to stop and let you find your way back to me. One day I will explain and you may be in a place to understand.
Meanwhile, while I miss you, I want you to know you are part of my life, every second, of every minute if every day.
I'm going to keep a journal for you, so you can see what I have been up to and so I can record how much you mean to me and are constantly in my thoughts.
I love you, I miss you and I look forward when we can cuddle again. Meanwhile I will wait with love and patience and open arms. Always open arms.
9 October 2013
My notes
So today, in a fishing village with no wifi, I insisted going out and about to find a 3G network, just so I could set up a blogger for you boys. I'm sitting at the far right of Mousehole Harbour, the wind is changing from the north. And here I am thinking of you two.
Friday, October 11, 2013
My Diary:
5.11 am
Today
Today is the last day of our 'break' from reality. I'm confused and not wanting to return, but looking forward to home comforts.
So many things I don't want to, or am mentally quite incapable of doing.
Living on the edge of a precipice.
5.12. am
Sharp
Shiny knife frightens me
Feeling very fragile and scared. Somewhat disappointed with myself for coming to a beautiful place for a break and then this.
Why the fear, the anxiety, the close to f*****g tears all the time?
I try to retreat to my internal room, where I can sooth myself. This must be so f*****g tiring for ?.
What in the hell am I doing? I know the secret answer.
Time off
Time off and away is allowing me to breathe. And breathe without complexity.
The desire to live life at its simplest a huge draw.
Listening to the gentle roar, hiss and pop of the wood burner.
Just what I need.
I think I never realised how ill I had got/am?
Tried
Tried to talk P. out of being with me. I feel as if I'm a worthless cause and he would do better without me.
I know what it is like to care for someone with mental illness... it's not good and you lose yourself.
I'm so close to disappearing. I don't know what it would do to him.
I had horrid thought about what would happen if he died. The funeral, his family. How they would hate me, do hate me. It's not his fault.
I worry about his relationship with his children. I have no choice. He does.
Today
Today is the last day of our 'break' from reality. I'm confused and not wanting to return, but looking forward to home comforts.
So many things I don't want to, or am mentally quite incapable of doing.
Living on the edge of a precipice.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
My Diary: 4.46 pm
Be kind to myself
The ultimate way to be kind to myself, would be to take my immeasurable pain away from myself by ending it all ...
And yet the huge irony is I can't have that last kindness because it would affect others . . . my children... guilt for the rest of their lives and ?. God knows what it would do to him, or my mother.
I live hour to hour, minute to minute with the pain and I'm not allowed to deal self the greatest kindness.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
My Diary:
2.32 am
Decisions
The plague of the depressed and suicidal.
Decisions take complexly, concerted thinking, beyond the capabilities of depression.
To commit a good suicide, one needs to think how it will affect others and to ameliorate their suffering and pain/guilt.
Choices:
Make it look like an accident
Make it legally impossible to tell the c. it was suicide.
8.47 am
How
How to make suicide look like a death?
1.56 pm
I'm not in the least bit religious
But I keep repeating this in my head:
Our Father, Who art in heaven
Hallowed be Thy Name;
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us;
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil. Amen.
Monday, October 14, 2013
My Diary: D Day
At last saw psych today, only because of the biggest crisis.
15 October 2013
Draft of letter sent to my manager:
Dear ***,
please excuse my for writing to you directly. ******* is extremely distressed about trying to keep you uptodate with how she is doing, and has asked me to contact you as she is unable to do so.
Sadly over the last two weeks she has experienced a rapid decline, with serious self harm and suicidal thoughts. This has peaked over the weekend and significantly concerned her psychiatrist Dr. ******.
An emergency meeting, on Monday, considered admission or intensive 'home care'. The CPNs are visiting daily to ascertain her condition and risk assess her on a daily basis.
Her sicknote runs out at the end of the month. I expect it will be continued. A powerful stressful factor for her, seems to be her worries about returning to work, the amount of sick leave she has left before her pay reduces and any procedures you may have to take.
On a positive note, she has bravely sought help from the Mental Health Crisis Team.
Thank you for your continuing support. Any thoughts/advice/well wishes or even a home visit would, I'm sure be a great comfort to her.
regards
(her partner)
Email to my parents on same day:
Dear Ma and J,
please excuse my for keeping such poor communication with you
Over the last two weeks I have experienced a rapid decline, with serious self harm and suicidal thoughts (physically hurting myself further and walking on busy road trying to pluck courage to jump in front of cars).
This has peaked over the weekend and significantly concerned my psychiatrist Dr. ****** who called an emergency meeting on Monday, considered admission or intensive 'home care'. The CPNs are visiting me daily (after a serious panic reaction to being admitted) to ascertain my condition and risk assess me on a daily basis. Panic attacks are aplenty.
My sick note runs out at the end of the month and I expect it will be continued.
I feel kind of brave that I sought help from the Mental Health Crisis Team.
I've sold my wedding ring at Cash Convertors! And my engagement ring is in a jewellers shop to be sold on my behalf. Danny is off to Germany at the weekend, I only found out though a mutual friend at school. That didn't help, neither did finding out that Adam has decided to take a Gap year before applying for Uni and plans to travel as a skydiver?! In my darkest moment I think I may never see them again. Then I fantasise about a way to leave this world permanently, making it look like an accident, so no one (especially the children) feel the burden. I love you and I'm sorry to pour my sick heart out to you. But I know you love me.
Thank God for ? as he is acting as my carer and watching me infinitely with anything and everything. He rarely leaves my side. It must be very difficult for him too. I recall very clearly the isolation of looking after someone with mental health problems. Carer's are unsung heroes of this country.
I've put the house on the market too. It's a funny world. A and C (close friends) know all this too and do their bit. Ridiculous to say and impossible to do, please try not to worry too much. I'm receiving lots of support.
xxx
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Tweet: The next self-portrait I'm going to publish is possibly going to be painful for some to look at. In which case I advise skipping it.
For those that have followed my self-portraiture story, it is just part of the next chapter, but know I am receiving much help, love and support.
When life becomes unbearable (photo - she self harmed herself to take the pain away inside.)
18 October 2013
My notes:
Guardian angel
A guardian spirit or guiding influence.
-A kind and lovable person.
-One who manifests goodness, purity, and selflessness.
-Someone with such a pure soul, who brightens the earth, and people around them.
A person who uncritically and indefensively accepts another individual regardless of faults and past delinqueincies, a person who illumiates the universe.
22 October 2013
Email from Warden:
After being away at Scout Camp, and the thought of going away for a week to ***, we noticed that Danny was feeling more positive about contact with you.
We are thinking that it would be a good idea to capitalise on his feelings (we have discussed this with him), and increase contact when he returns. In addition to meeting at Costa at 5:30pm on Friday's, how do you feel about meeting each week at, for example, the end of the road for 5 minutes in small chunks to start off with?
He said that meeting at the end of the road was okay.
My email to my mother who asked how I felt about this: The first paragraph says it all, really. Demonstrates that time away from Warden allows Danny to be his true self. I hate being controlled by that AH though.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
My Diary:
Dear J. we have never met. I understand you are a fabulous young man. I am glad you have had the opportunity to find my blog. It records my history.
This is how I feel, not being able to see my children:
I have been so close to suicide, because of the love a parent has for their children and not seeing them due to the control their bipolar father holds over them.
I know you are angry, so does your father. That is natural and normal. It is hard growing up,especially when you feel isolated and abandoned. Your father has not 'left' you or N. You are both the apple of his eye, but you can't see that yet, because of the pain.
Your father feels the deep loss of not being able to see you, and your utter rejection of him. I see it tearing him apart. He loves you infinitely. One day, when you become a parent you will understand.
Your situation must feel so very painful, I can empathise. It may be a long time before you accept what has happened and are able to move forward positively.
He will always be there for you, when you are ready.
I wish you well on your personal journey and hope one day we can meet. *******
My note: The final straw following that text from Warden about Danny having returned from Scout Camp and they thought Danny was feeling more positive about me.
Arranging to see my son had been tortuous to say the least previously with weeks going by without news of him. I had begun to feel that I could not allow this to go on but this email gave me hope.
A week or so later I met Danny at the end of the road and it was wonderful. He was the boy I had always known. Loving, friendly, chatty, playful. At last, I thought to myself, everything will be alright again.
A few days later he texted asking me to meet me in a local coffee shop and P. came with me. As usual Warden and his partner sat nearby. Danny then told me he didn’t want to see me again and when asked why he said that what was broken could not be mended! When ? asked to explain he said it was because I had taken him away from his father in 2008 and my behaviour last summer. I felt stunned and completely destroyed. Month after month reconciliation had been presented as being a possibility, with Warden repeating his mantra of allowing Danny to come round in his own time, and nothing had come of it.
25 October 2013
Texts received:
Hello. I have a few corrections for your blog post.
1. My brother and I are generally not interested in your sad story so you don't need to explain about your suicidal sadness.
2. Our father has in fact 'left' us as he has LEFT his life and family here for a 'true love' he found online.
3. We are most definitely not the apple of his eye, and I don't see how any of his actions have showed this so I'd appreciate it if you didn't write patronising blog posts on the internet saying very personal things about this situation. I see very little effort on his part to fix something that is 'tearing him apart'. Thanks.
Hello *****, thank you for responding to my blog post.
You show immense courageousness in contacting me. I apologise if I have offended you and your brother with my personal therapy blog.
Why read my blog if you are not interested? It shows that you do love your father and crave information on an event so immense but yet deeply confusing to you.
There has been no proper opportunity for everyone in your family to sit down and discuss what has happened over the last year and work out how to move forward in some small positive way.
Deep down both you and your brother know your father loves and adores you.
If you want to move forward positively (and I do understand this may still be too raw and too soon for you to have any clue what you want), what would you like to see your father do? And how would you like to see the future following the events of the last year?
26 October 2013
My notes:
The thought of trying to have loving, compassionate contact with Danny, when you are sitting two tables away, in a very public space is repulsive and a threat to any potential meaningful rebuilding of mine and Danny's relationship. You should be ashamed at your overbearing pretence and encouragement of any negative thoughts Danny may have in reality or instilled by your NLP.
Meeting Danny at the end of the road was not ideal, although it was truly wonderful to see him at least in some small measure his normal self with me. Definitely as a result of not being under your constant appalling crushing influence.
So the only options are:
Meet Danny at the end of the road
Meet Danny in a more private place without you, perhaps the **** Centre after school, or a friends house.
27 October 2013
Text to AH
The content of your email is debatable in its accuracy. My legal advice is contrary to yours.
(Name of advisor) is fully cognizant of my reasons from withdrawing from the FGC process.
I believe you have been unable to communicate my concerns regarding meeting at Costa accurately and supportively to Danny.
27 October 2013
A quote from a book and my notes under
It is not real," he whispered. "This place is only a thought that has grabbed hold of you. It cannot harm you. You are not of this place, and it has no power over you. You do not need it, nor do you owe it your allegiance." I nodded, listening only to his words and not to the rattling of the windows, which had begun as soon as we stepped inside.
Rita Murphy
I don't want to live anymore
I feel guilty
I hope for an accident.
28 October 2013
Quotes
I knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat and I’d cry for a week. Plath
To weep is to make less the sense of grief S
28 October 2013
CRY BABY
28 October 2013
Letter to my therapist:
Dear ******,
Things have been very hard to bear this last week. I had email conversation with Warden where he asked me how I would like to proceed, having declined Family Group Conferencing.
I sent this:
"Warden,
may I refer you to the Consent Order made in May this year:
By Consent the Court Orders...
2. The Respondent father shall make the child Danny ******** (birthdate) available for contact with the Applicant Mother, (name of mother) as follows:
i. every Wednesday after school until 6pm
ii. every other Saturday overnight from 12noon Saturday until 1pm Sunday
iii. one half- of the school holidays dates to be agreed between the parties
iv. any other variation as may be agreed between the parties.
This is what was ordered in court, and this is how we would like to proceed."
From Warden to me
"Danny has arrived safely in Germany. After being away at Scout Camp, and the thought of going away for a week to *******, we noticed that he was feeling more positive about contact with you.
We are thinking that it would be a good idea to capitalise on his feelings (we have discussed this with him), and increase contact when he returns. In addition to meeting at Costa at 5:30pm on Friday's, how do you feel about meeting each week at, for example, the end of the road for 5 minutes in small chunks to start off with? He said that meeting at the end of the road was okay.
The aim would be to increase contact length, variety, and venues, being mindful of Danny's feelings. We would hope that contact could build at a pace that he can cope with, and be sustainable for you both in the long term. We feel hopeful that the trip away has made him more aware of his feelings, and the need for more contact with you.
What do you think?"
And then he sent this:
"Dear *******,
Danny is happy with:
Costa at Tesco at 5:30pm every Friday, defined by Danny as 'safe' (with us nearby) and 'public' (where he says he can leave when he decides).
Weekly meetings at the end of the road, as on the 20th, when Danny himself feels comfortable.
The input we have is to encourage contact, and paint you in a positive light, which I promised (name of advisor) I would do. I have made Danny available for contact as agreed since Court in May.
I emailed you 6 days ago and suggested more weekly contact was a good idea.
We sought further legal advice on Wednesday 23 October 2013, after you cancelled the Family Group Conferencing referral, and refusing to engage in that process. The recitals preceding the Court Order were clarified for us.
Now, the only thing we are all left with is:
1) (ii) The parties and Danny will meet on a regular basis informally for contact at venues and times to be agreed.
Danny needs a routine. It needs to be regular and consistent, and it needs to be agreed with Danny.
We hope to see you next Friday as arranged, and for Danny to see you at the end of the road when you and he agree."
Continuing email to therapist::
I have been in a rapid decline, despite trying all the tactics if distraction, being kind to myself, drugs, etc.
The Crisis Home Treatment team have been meeting me every other day.
Last night I found Danny's online social media photographic account. It shows many things included ing engagement cards (presumably Warden and his partner).
I can't describe how low I feel, I feel loathe some to myself as I want to take my life but can't.
These are the options as I see them:
1. See Danny at Costa with Warden and his partner present and observe my descent into wretchedness.
2. Decide to try and cut all ties with Danny and observe my descent into wretchedness.
3. Kill myself and end the perpetual pain.
The CPN offered a 4th route today, to let them care for me. I'm taking far too much codeine. The house is on the market and we have had several exhausting viewings. Equally traumatic is trying to find somewhere else and the trauma of leaving family home. The lodgers are leaving in just over a week, ?'s children texted me this weekend, which was not very pleasant.
I don't know anything anymore. I want to be anaesthetised. I don't know if you can find any words that will help either.
I'm so tired of hearing people try and tell me that the boys will come back to me one day. I want to scream at people 'you don't f***ing know'
I'm in rage with Warden, I wrote an explicit angry letter to him (not sent). I'm having violent nightmares too.
I'm doing lots of photographic images of how I feel:
And I wrote this as a note to myself:
I don't want to live anymore
I feel guilty
I hope for an accident
I miss being able to share this with you, which is why I have sent long rambling letter.
Hope you are finding what you need in Canada.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
My Diary: Depression and friendship
You can talk with someone for years, every day, and still, it won't mean as much as what you can have when you sit in front of someone, not saying a word, yet you feel that person with your heart, you feel like you have known the person for forever.... connections are made with the heart, not the tongue.
Then I made the decision. I could not go on living here in this house which has given me so much
unhappiness.
Saturday, November 9, 2013
My Diary: Funny
Sorting through detritus today and burning cathartically the remnants of so much pain... I came across the unequivocal evidence of something that can not be denied – a photocopy of Warden's GPs diagnosis of his Bipolar - and that which had destroyed many things. Ironic that no one other than me worries about the children and their emotional welfare.
Concerned that I was not been receiving updates about how the children were doing I wrote to ask Warden to give more detail.
His reply was that I had not answered his emails in October - which was avoiding the issue of his agreement to send updates. He also repeated, as he does so often, that Danny had to be allowed to move at his own pace. He forgets that the advice given him most recently from the professionals was that he as their father should be encouraging Danny to meet me, which he very obviously is not doing.
I said other things, which perhaps I shouldn’t, but it felt good at the time and I ended ‘Your pace started way back in 2012, again, further congratulations on completely and utterly screwing up the children and damaging their emotional lives for years to come. Your Mum and Dad did a good job on you, your Bipolar finished off the rest.
My mother's email to Warden: “You may not be aware but ******* has been ill for some time now which is the reason she has not been answering your emails. The last few years of your marriage, while trying to deal with your bipolar, took a lot out of her and I had hoped that once the divorce was over she would get back to her old self.
However living in the same house with you during the divorce was a considerable strain on her which I saw for myself, and not seeing her children because they were always with you did not help either.
Taking Danny without discussing it with her before the decree absolute made matters worse. To that point she was still under the impression that you were in agreement about shared custody and you cannot imagine the distress this caused her.
As far as I could see when I stayed she had a very loving relationship with her children and it is a mystery to me, as it is to her, why Adam has turned against her. Family and friends have seen her and Danny together and remarked on the naturalness of their relationship. So having Danny gradually turn away from her has been very painful and is beyond anyone's comprehension. I cannot believe this has come about naturally.
You also may not be aware but a mother's love for her children is greater than any other which is why losing her children is so painful to her. I believe that Danny, had he been encouraged to do so by you, would be visiting and staying with her regularly by now.
You choose to blame her for trying to see her children and it seems there is nothing she can say to you which isn't turned against her. I can see no explanation for the present situation having arisen except the possibility of you revenging yourself for her divorcing you.
I noted your recent marriage and the remarks made by Danny about attending which neither I nor Joe believe came from him without encouragement because I do not believe that a child so loved by his mother would turn away without coercion. It is time you and your new wife began thinking about what has happened to the relationship between the children and their mother and it is no good you berating me, as you have done in the past, for being a bad mother especially since you were the one who suffered in that way. I am satisfied that when ******* was young I did everything a mother could because I adored her then and still do.
She does not deserve this treatment, Warden, and yes, you can refuse to reply to me but I ask you not to ignore it. Now I can only ask you to look into your heart and search your motives for allowing the present situation to continue and beg you to do everything in your power to actively encourage Danny to visit his mother on a regular basis before it is too late. Telling you that ******* has been ill is really telling you more than I should but perhaps it explains a lot.
Warden's usual lengthy reply was a sort of round robin to *******, her partner and me in which he ranted, as he had before, and described events which involved me during my stay at the house and which I did not recognise because they were such a distortion of the truth and were being interpreted in the one sided view which happens so often and in a manner which suits his argument.
For instance a friend calling out ‘keep drinking, keep drinking’ to her could only, in his view, refer to her drinking alcohol and not the fact that she was suffering from cystitis which she often suffered from when under extreme stress. And sounds overheard but not witnessed by Adam in her bedroom had of course to be because she was depraved and not because she had taken a sleeping tablet and had fallen asleep and left the TV on in her bedroom.
And of course the latch on her bedroom door which he suggests was put there to keep the boys out, was actually there to keep him out! The man who had agreed in mediation to stay away from upstairs while she was there but still came up in the middle of the night to stand outside her bedroom door and terrifying her!
He continued: her drinking, mental health, complete loss of boundaries, indiscretions, and uninhibited
behaviour, over a long period. Solicitors and Courts have all the written evidence available to show that I have always done everything in my power to maintain a link, and contact, between the boys and their Mother. I rented a house that was 250 yards away from her front door so that the boys could have simple, easy and immediate access to both parents at all times.
I have proved to my own financial cost in Court, that I have always told the truth.
Her mother, when she stayed with us, reinforced, condoned, and colluded in her behaviour i.e. drink driving, and refusing to engage verbally and emotionally with both boys.
My mother’s comment: Such a distortion of the truth is unbelievable and evil and could only come from someone with a deranged mind. I never saw or experienced her driving over the limit and we both talked to Danny in a friendly loving manner. I have photographs of her, Danny and myself out together visiting friends, enjoying ourselves when away from the house when Danny's manner was completely different to his withdrawn manner when his father was around. I also witnessed him and his mother together and saw nothing untoward in her behaviour towards her son. If my daughter is drinking now it is entirely because of the pain he has caused her over so many years and yet he doesn't see it. Some counsellor!
16 November 2013
Draft email:
Dear Warden, the 'Boy's updates' have ceased, which saddens me.
As you know Danny asked not to meet with me again. I am unclear what this means and how much was 'supported' by you. I know you think you are acting in Danny's and Adam's best interests, and of course I have a different opinion. I have come across a superb parent's support website: http://theparentconnection.org.uk/
I highly recommend it. For the children's sake, you and I need to communicate effectively.
Initially I would like the boys updates to include:
The children's successes and achievements
The parenting time arrangements
Special events
Health, education, general welfare
Discipline and boundaries
Activities
This is a starting point and was directly taken from that website.
In your heart you know the boy's need their Mum and only you have the key to support them and unlock their door.
Please let me know your thoughts and what you think I can do to support you.
regards
20 September 2013
My notes
Perspective
Self-awareness
Mindfulness
Honest
Learning to let go and be me
23 November 2013
My notes of a song I love
Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
Awake my soul
24 November 2013
Quote
Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.
Maria Robinson
25 November 2012
My Twitter: (About to move from house)
'I was trying to feel some kind of good-bye. I mean I’ve left schools and places I didn’t even know I was leaving them. I hate that. I don’t care if it’s a sad good-bye or a bad good-bye, but when I leave a place I like to know I’m leaving it. If you don’t you feel even worse.' J.D. Salinger (First day of the rest of my life.)
26 November 2013
Text from Warden
I am wondering if you would like for us all to work together toward regular contact again and maintaining it?
28 November 2013
Email to Warden:
I have decided to concentrate on my own health and wellbeing and devote some time to rest and recuperation. Embracing timeout will enable me to reassemble with the aim to be able to return to robustly support and promote a healthy future and positive relationships for me and the boys.
I will be temporarily withdrawing from communicating with the boys for a while.
I would appreciate your support in reinforcing for the boys that their wellbeing and happiness is foremost in my mind; I am and will always be their Mother, but just for the moment I am unable to have meaningful contact with them. It is vital they understand this is absolutely not permanent and when I am feeling better, healthier and stronger, I will look forwards to renegotiating ways to resume supportive relationships, constructive communication and quality contact.
I still need to be kept informed by you through the weekly boys updates (The children's successes and achievements; Special events; Health; education and general welfare and activities).
I trust you will support my actions and reinforce my love for the boys, maintain respectful communication and remain open until I am in good place mentally and physically to skilfully pick up the reigns as a mother.
In the meantime, I will not be seeking to communicate or make contact with them, however this does not preclude them from making contact with me, should they wish to do so.
28/11/13
Email to boys
Dear Boys,
I have decided to concentrate on my own health and wellbeing and devote some time to rest and recuperate. I am going to take some 'timeout' from trying to make contact or communicate with you. By taking time to regenerate, I will be able to return to supporting and promoting a healthy future and positive relationships for us.
I will be temporarily withdrawing from communicating with you both for a while.
Your wellbeing and happiness is an absolute priority for me. I am and will always be your Mother, but just for the moment I plan to have a mental and physical rest. This is absolutely not a permanent thing and when I am feeling better, healthier and stronger, I will look forward to renegotiating communication and quality contact with you.
Dad will still keep me informed about you through his weekly updates.
I love you both infinitely and request your patience until I am in good place to pick up with you again.
You can of course contact me anytime you want.
I have passed this information to Dad too and asked him to support me, as your mother, to help reinforce for you how much I love you and that this is very much a temporary pause.
I send you my love as always and look forward to a hug from you when we feel able.
Love Mum xxx
30 November 2013
My tweet: Completely spent today.
My notes
I feel embarrassed that I feel I can't nurse anymore. I feel ashamed of myself
What is WRONG WITH ME?! Answer: nothing, you are just going through a bad time.
WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS?
How do you feel?
All upset and cross and jaggy. Sad and teary, fed up, miserable.
Answer: that's how your brain is computing the situation and dealing with the trillion thoughts. Your brain is telling you it has had enough and you need to give it and yourself a break.
Sunday 1 December 2013
My Diary:
My first roast in the new house and it was FANTASTIC!
My note: In Warden's email to my mother he gave the web address of the online diary I have been keeping since 2008. She had not seen this before and knew nothing about it until he drew her attention to it and after reading it told me it was a harrowing testament of living with a bipolar spouse and it needed to be told and offered to open a Blog which included all the entries. I agreed and she said she would change all the names of the participants and opened a Blog.
Shortly after I received an aggressive, controlling email from Warden which demanded I took down my original blog and made all the usual kind of threats including reporting me to the police and of breaching Article 8 of his Human Rights (quote: where I am entitled to respect to privacy and family life.)
If only people knew the real name of Warden!
He began his email: Please remove with immediate effect any and all of your blog posts at
http://l****is***madness.blogspot.co.uk/ and anywhere else that has public access, that refer to me and Bipolar Disorder.
Legal advice has informed me that there is sufficient inference in your blog, that would identify me to a stranger or anyone; names, identification of relationships past and present etc.
I will also make a complaint to the Police where I believe a criminal offence has been committed, and to my Solicitor, where civil offences stand, and seek damages where my mental health continues to be referred to in such derogatory terms, and my character has been, and continues to be, defamed, and in one very public arena, irretrievably.
My reply:
Warden, this will be done tomorrow. Having moved house I am awaiting Sky to come and attache access to broadband. For the moment I have deleted specific blog entry. The rest will be deleted tomorrow.
My email to my mother: As you can imagine, I'm In complete melt down. Ah well. Thank god for diazepam My Tweet: I am broken, Iike a dry twig. Snapped under his boot; dust and splinters. A million particles spread on the aura of a dying moon. Ethereal.
Later: I've just discovered
I've just discovered, or had a revelation, or an epiphany, or healing. The man I love and who loves me, will never hurt me.
This is an immense moment and happened twice today. It felt like my heart was breaking with love.
4 Dec 2013:
Me: 'intimate terrorism' : may also involve emotional and psychological abuse.
Prometheus... clamped to a rock... for betraying the secrets of the gods to men, and the gods sent eagles to feed on his liver, which was perpetually renewed... goaded by the pain of the tearing beaks, pressed himself deeper and deeper into the rock until he became one with it. The legend tried to explain the inexplicable. #Kafka
I won't suffer, be broken, get tired or wasted, surrender to nothing, I'll give up what I started, and stop this from end to beginning, a new day is calling, and I am finally free. #30SecondsToMars
8 December 2013
My notes
I have been pushed to my limits, and even then, realise this is not the furthest extent of my emotional endurance.
Sometimes I care not to wake. Sleep is full of dreams. Wakefulness full of nightmares.
16 December 2013:
My text to my mother:
Warden has moved the the boys to St Austell. I feel he is wiping me out of the boys lives.
My notes:
And if it should snow, when I'm at sea, put not one bauble on the tree. I am dead and dead will be, until the snow uncovers me.
Morning, noon and nigh pass by; spring, summer and autumn too. Permafrost invades my brain. No thaw nor spring will come again.
Let me die, let me die. Let the world go on by. No mark nor remembrance, no thought and no tears. Peaceful my passing, death everlasting. The pain of my life simply a breath in the air; a drop in the ocean; an end to all fears.
And there will be trickles of blood, draining down to the sea, welling and congealing, emptying me. Life spark extinguished, the pain is no more, just the soft susurration of wind on the shore.
By now my mother had copied my Blog and said that in the new year she would go through it and would work on it for publication in the new year.
17 December 2013
Response to Warden's email
Thank you for the weekly report and your new address. Perhaps in future when you move the children to another location you will let me know in advance. You are aware, of course, that you are not allowed to move them from the United Kingdom without my permission for any reason - either permanent or on holiday. I also need to know the name of the boy's GP and any other information regarding their welfare so that I can contact them as and when I wish.
24 December 2013
Christmas Eve.
Oh Adam, sometimes I feel as if I have lost you forever. In three months you will be 18. I have missed you these last two years. You have been caught in the middle of a sad and distressing human event, of no making if your own. I respect you as a human and love you as my son. Time moves swiftly. Don't let it get away from you. I have tried my best for you, always. Clearly, in your mind I have failed. I am human too; I am not a bad person. Consider being kind to yourself in the next few years when deliberating about any actions or inaction we may have taken. You have a lot to assimilate from the events of recent years. It is human nature to make mistakes oneself while finding it hard to forgive others.
I look forward to the day you look at me and smile. I will smile back and it will be as if we have never been apart. My love for you is unerring, limitless and waiting for the time when you are ready to start again. I think having read this, you will most likely feel I have been 'preaching' and perhaps you think me pompous. Just remember what it was like to be cuddled by your Mum.
27 December 2013
My mother told me she thought my diary was a testament of such importance to others in a similar position that she would like to publish it as an anonymous miece on a blog. I agreed and she then opened a blog in a totally new name and published my diary. She made sure the names were unidentifiable and the contents did not identify anyone by name or where they lived.
Email received by my mother from Warden:
Final Warning.Your blogs in their various forms continue. Before you write another word in a public forum that identifies me or my mental health (further), or refers in any way, shape or form, to any other
member of my family, I invite you to make yourself familiar with the content of the links below.
Should you then decide to continue to harass me with your ongoing course of conduct, I will seek legal redress and compensation for damages without delay.
I continue to feel harassed and distressed. My children, similarly. You continue to ignore my children's feelings and the psychological impact on both of them by exposing them to the content of your various blogs.
I have been defending myself, my wife, and my children against you for more than 12 months, and now feel that my only recourse is to bring against you the full force of the Law.
You and your daughter have both withdrawn other blogs and heavily edited others and removed inflammatory content when I have asked, since November 22nd 2013.
The relevant links are below:
http://www.yourrights.org.uk/yourrights/the-human-rights-act/the-convention-rights/article-8-right-to-respect-for-private-and-family-life.html
http://www.yourrights.org.uk/yourrights/privacy/harassment-unwanted-letters-and-telephone-calls/protection-from-harassment-act-1997.shtml
https://www.gov.uk/discrimination-your-rights
http://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2010/15/contents
Your future conduct and behaviour are your responsibility, and yours alone.
My mother's reply:
Warden, Regarding my blogs and my website there is nothing libelous, slanderous or harassing in them since you outed your bipolar some time ago in the **** ******.
Stop being a barrack room lawyer to me, Warden. As it happened I had already decided to stop my blogs on the subject because your bullying hurts her and just gives her more stress.
I was not aware of her diary on line (as *****) until you drew my attention to it. Thank you for that, and after reading it through several times I have no reason to believe it lied because it shouts honesty. I am not surprised you want it suppressed. I was horrified to read of the dance you led her throughout the marriage and divorce and can only imagine what the previous years must have been like for her before you were diagnosed.
I would think a 'counsellor' will find the contents of her diary useful should they ever have to treat someone in a similar position who has severe depression since it gives an insight into what the spouses of those with bipolar are forced to deal with on a daily basis and how it can drive someone into the depths of despair, which happened in her case.
I have seen no sympathy or empathy from you towards her throughout the divorce or through her depression just the patronising condescension and arrogance of someone who believes they are superior.
Whilst on the subject of depression, I think you might (although I doubt if you will) take the time to consider telling the children of the effects of depression and the real cause of their mother's illness and try actively to seek their reconciliation with her. She is not an alcoholic as you seem to suggest and your description of her behaviour throughout has been a complete distortion of events as seen by someone who has a mental illness.
Since being reunited with her I have found her to be a wonderfully loving person who, apart from a peaceful life only wants what she has always wanted and missed - the support of a loving partner, family and friends - something she has lacked for decades.
I am now aged ** and don't suppose I have long to go. I have been writing my diary since I was twenty and in more recent years my memoirs and it includes names, dates, events, places and extracts from documents, letters and emails received from friends, acquaintances and family, including yourself, and I suppose after I am dead someone might find it of sufficient interest to publish it.
This is my final email to you. I do not want to hear from or of you again. As far as I am concerned you are dead.
28 December 2013
My notes
The buoyancy of yesterday has melted away.
Text from friend
Wee little person may feel small, but grown up she must know she is a big personality, offering lots of love, a sharp mind with a ready wit, a creative heart and a human warmth that draws people towards you
Yes. It's a delicate balance: move on to resume being full you + new and improved you, yet recognising and honoring the terrible wound that has been cruelly done to you.
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