Extracts from the diary of someone who was married to a bipolar husband for over 20 years.
She made no notes in her diary until May 2012. Between her last entries and this date the relationship between her and her mother began to return to what it had once been although they still had not met up again.
Text from him to her at about this time:
Been reflecting on stuff. Don't much fancy separation and divorce. Seeing Dr P in 20 Minutes. Will request return to meds for Bipolar.
My reply: OK. Is this what you want? It has no bearing on what I think. I hope you are making the decision on what you think is best for you.
His reply: Yes, it is a decision I should have made a long time ago. I'm doing it because I have a disorder that needs medical intervention. Med-free is a fool's game. I tried it and it didn't work. It was never going to work. I'm going to put it down to experience. Back on Lithium 400 mg daily at night and appointment in 4 weeks to discuss maintainable or work up. No need for ability or anything else. Bloods every month. I'm relieved and know this is the right thing to do. Dr P was pleased.
17 May 2012
My Diary:
I realise that he has discovered my password and is accessing my email account so I have started sending emails from my place of work.
Email to my mother:
I really need to talk to you, but am unable to find a confidential way. I think you know how difficult my marriage has been . . . I am going to the solicitor tomorrow to ask about divorce. Then on Monday evening I am going to tell him. (Monday because Danny is going away on a school camp.)
I don't know how this is going to pan out; I can’t predict his reaction. This is very frightening, but I am trying to keep my head together and look at the outcome.
My mother response to me revealing I was unable to receive emails without him reading them:
I have just opened a new Gmail account which I think you will find you are able to use to email me if you want. It is set up in my name and the address is ------------ and the password is ********* (if you decide to use it you can change it if you want - it is probably a good idea to use one of your choice then no one can access it. I just thought it was a vague but easy password for you to remember.)
I have already put in my email address in the Contacts and will add my Hotmail address as well. You do not have to use this email account if you do not wish but I thought you might find it useful to have an account that only you and I know of.
If you do not want to use it I will change the password and use it myself. If you do think you want to use it or if you change the password then email me back - just so I know. Thinking of you. Love you (So, for a while, we were able to communicate confidentially in the knowledge no one else knew of this account.)
His tweet at 10.58 am: Infidelity explained . . . if you get help to manage the fraught emotions and the heart break, this makes sense http://womensinfidelity.com/
18 May 2012
My mother’s note:
Lyssa phoned early morning to say that last night things seemed right for her to tell him and he took it well and said he understood how much his behaviour had affected her. Was on way to her solicitors
and wondered if she should have him there. Suggested she phone her solicitor to ask them.
19 May 2012
My email to my mother:
Divorce is so bloody complex and this is increased by the issue of him not wanting to move out because he can't afford to. I don't know if I can afford the house on my own or what realistic options there are. The solicitor said we needed to decide what we wanted. So now I guess I need to go through the finances with a fine tooth comb and work out what I can afford.
I really don't want to move the boys out and sell the house. This is our only bit of stability at the moment.
My mother sent an email forwarding the article he mentioned on the 17th in his Tweet, about mid-life crisis.
My diary:
Made me wonder if I am going through midlife crisis. Asking myself – am I too old to move on?
Have just seen A and D (lifelong friends of mine), they have put me back on right track. I know I need space from him, which he isn't giving me. So need to address that with him.
22 May 2012
My email to my mother:
Trying to work out the intricacies of what needs to be done is far beyond me at the moment. How to divide things and what needs to be paid for is also proving fruitless as I am sort of sticking my head in the sand. This is all compounded by the fact that he will not move out of the house. So in many respects he is forcing the issue of Divorce, in order to force me to seek a swift resolution.
He talks about going to mediators, but I'm unsure what he wants to mediate about. And since I have not truly thought through the financial aspect I am in the dark as to what would be best. He thinks we should split the house physically in two into 2 flats if you like. This seems at the moment the simplest route as he won’t consider moving out unless I pay him out of the mortgage. I guess I could look at that. (My mother emailed me back with details from internet which explained what mediation was about.)
He thinks we should split the house in two physically. I guess I could look at that.
23 May 2012
My email to my mother:
Finally he is giving me some space. We have settled into a kind of 'we are separated' routine and are both very amenable.I feel as if I have been carried by a freight train on fast forward over the last few weeks, with
little time to make considered thoughts, just dealing with the onslaught of emotion and reacting to his
reactions on the situation. In essence this is what I wanted, time, space, time to think (or not think) a period of calmness. I intuitively feel that I need this break and am going to 'rest' in making any decisions for the moment.
His Twitter of same date: OK, going to find out today from an expert if I need anger therapy. My mind and heart are open so be kind Universe.
My note:
Until I filed for divorce, my relationship with our sons was an extremely close, caring and loving one, and we frequently did things together when he was having a depressive episode.
Through mediation we agreed on the issue of the house and living separately. Since I was working he had the run of the house throughout the day every weekday but when I was home he agreed to live downstairs in a room on the ground floor with its own toilet, and use of the kitchen and bathroom upstairs at certain times.
24 May 2012
My Diary:
Letter from my solicitors to him re the commencement of divorce proceedings:
We understand the arrangements for the children are agreed between you and our client.
We understand you informed our client that you were moving from the former matrimonial home to temporary accommodation which you had arranged. Now we are told you may be having second thoughts but in our view it is not appropriate for you to continue to live in the former matrimonial home in the circumstances.
The wellbeing of the children would be affected adversely if you were to remain in the former matrimonial home and since it is agreed that the marriage is over we hope you will see that you should leave in the best interests of all concerned not least your own. It is hope that the children will be able to visit you regularly in your new home . . .
29 May 2012
My email to my mother:
The solicitors letter arrived on Friday (attached). I was quite anxious about how he would receive it. He did go very quiet for a while, but over the weekend seemed to return to normal. He has tried on various occasions to discuss with me, but I have just said that I don't want to talk about it. He has organised mediation, for Thursday, and I think he thinks all will be sorted out there.
What he does not know yet, is that the divorce petition cites several things that when read by a third party appear quite damning. Therefore I think I am perfectly entitled to remain in the home, etc. He thinks I will be required to sell up to provide him with half the cash... So think it’s still going to be a bumpy ride.
Adam has his Eng. Lit exam at 9am this morning. He has been quiet over the last couple of weeks; he is a deep thinker and has learned to bury his feelings over the years. I know this has been and is a self-preservation thing for him. It saddens me, but I have honestly tried my best. I feel guilty that I stayed so long.
Perhaps both the boys would have been better off if I had had the gumption to leave years ago. First visit at mediation and I pick up my new car (can’t wait for independence!)
30 May 2012
My Diary:
Saw counsellor. Gradually over the weeks since filing for divorce he has started taking over doing everything for the children. Feeding them, doing their laundry etc and I am seeing less and less of them.
1 June 2012
My email to my mother:
Well yesterday was a bit of a tough reality check.The mediation introduction was very useful and quite impartial, black and white. I think that's what made it feel uncomfortable, because you bring with you all the hurt, which of course is of no interest to a judge or court.
Full disclosure of finances was interesting, and it would seem that by going down this route, we save money by gathering the information and sharing things, that would ordinarily be done by solicitors. He is entitled to legal aid for mediation that threw me a bit, because it just seemed so unfair, but in the reality of the next day, I guess it is fair.
Anyway, at the end of the session you both get 5 minutes with the mediator, she saw him first, then me. She had picked up something was not quite right, and I explained about our situation, his Bipolar etc. It would seem he had not filled her in on that. I also spoke to her about the divorce petition and my concerns when he received it. She gave a lot of good advice, and was very supportive.
She did suggest, however, that in order to get him out as quickly and as painlessly as possible, I should find out what my maximum borrowing amount would be, on the house, to enable me to presumably offer to buy him out.
I think that is what really hurt me, because I have worked so hard to try and ensure that the mortgage would be paid off by the time I retire. I had planned to go at 55, having spent 37 years nursing. Now that seems to be disintegrating in front of my eyes.
I went from there to pick up my new little car. It’s basic, but serviceable. Not what I would have, but I can’t be picky. So at the garage it all started to hit home, and I ended up crying in front of the salesman, which was mortifying, to say the least. Once the tears began to flow they didn't stop until I went to sleep.
Anyway. Today is a new day. Each day has its challenges to get through. I get through and then I can tick off.
3 June2012
My email to my mother:
Feeling better than the other day. I know it will all work out. The mediators will be very helpful. If I have to raise mortgage so be it.
Warden's text to me: Thought you might like this by Henry Miller 'Let me be, was all I wanted. Be what I am, no matter how I am.'
6 June 2012
Warden's Tweet: A challenging situation proved yesterday that therapy and counselling can be offered under any circumstances. Congruency is what matters.
7 June 2012
Warden's Tweet: Our biggest current emotional problems trace to our reactions to those from whom we once hoped for the most.
Warden's Tweet: Infidelity is control manipulating what you think is empowerment. Might as well stab yours spouse and kids in the heart now.
My notes:
His Tweet terrified me. Over the previous weekend he had begun accusing me of being unfaithful. A couple of days later the argument became particularly unpleasant especially when he pinned me up against the wall which frightened me because he is a big man and has been a policeman. This at a time when he had agreed not to enter the upper part of the house when I am there! (And the children were upstairs.)
After he freed me he still appeared on the verge of becoming violent and for my own and the children's safety, I asked friends, both in their late seventies, to come to the house and phoned the Family Liaison Unit who had been involved before.
Unfortunately no one was available and the message was passed on to the police and they sent two
policewomen. Before they arrived my friends, asked him to leave me alone and he ordered them from his house. One of my friends told him he should do the decent thing and leave the house altogether.
The police advised my friends to leave, which they did, and one policewoman suggested that one of us should leave the house.
He refused point blank to do so using all sorts of excuses including not having the cash, his card was at its limit and he was bipolar and in order to bring the matter to an end I agreed to spend the night
elsewhere.
Since then he has sought to twist the event to suit his version of the facts saying the police ordered me from the house and he then wrote to my solicitor’s saying he had evidence of my adultery!
My solicitors received this letter from him shortly after and it said he phoned the Police who directed me to leave the house. He indicated that he and I had been discussing my infidelity, the divorce, and the fact he was on route to my solicitors to give them evidence of my adultery.
This evidence was never referred to again because it was non-existent except in his mind.
His letter continued to my solicitors:
Mrs ? and I were discussing her infidelity, the divorce, and the fact I was en route to my solicitor to give them evidence of her adultery. Mrs ? (rang her friends) who walked into my home, occupied my lounge and told me to leave. Mr. X raised his voice,leaned forward on the sofa and said aggresively that I must leave. [Me: Actually he said 'why don't you do the decent things and leave.) . . . The spectre of Mrs ? and her friends behaving aggresively and unlawfully in my home haunts me two hours later. I was afraid.
'I will now be suing her for Divorce on grounds of adultery and will provide the evidence when it is required. . . . She has been harassing me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for nearly 4 weeks about leaving the home immediately.
. . . Mrs ? refuses to reply to messages, and terrorises me with silence and threats, culminating in her actions today.
I will be applying for a non-molestation order and an Occupation order immediately to protect me, my children, and secure the family home. I will be asking for power of arrest to be attached because I believe her behaviour is out of control and her behaviour is unpredictable. I believe her own mental illness in the form of Clinical Depression makes her a danger to me and the welfare of my children now she is aware I intend to Divorce her on grounds of Adultery. I will be instructing an urgent sale of the family home.'
8 June 2012
His Tweet: Suspecting adultery is stressful, being able to prove it makes it bearable. Being on the side of justice and right doing brings courage.
Him - same day - on an online counselling service: @HBBSCounselling 'that is the worse thing! You don't see the next wave coming, it arrives unexpectedly and strikes you down, but diminishing.'
His solicitor to mine:
. . . we anticipate that you will be issuing proceedings on the grounds of our client's unreasonable behaviour . . . We confirm that our client is largely in agreement with the statement of arrangements for the children however he would wish for it to be amended so that both your client and ours are noted as having day to day care of the children. [Then details re agreement as to use of house – him to have 1 hour's use, three times a day of kitchen for breakfast, lunch and dinner.]
9 June 2012
Warden's Tweet: Adults abandoned by parents in childhood are anxious depressed have disastrous relationships. (Me: This presumably was his belief that because my parents were divorced while ignoring the fact he had issues with his mother.)
Warden's Tweet: Sometimes because they are clinically depressed and have no insight. Worse is when they get better and see what they threw away.
My email to my mother:
Have been through very harrowing 72 hours. I'm OK, the boys OK. I'm exhausted and can't get it all out. Plus words in an email without the facial expressions and intonation can be disastrously misinterpreted.
The main thing is we are OK. Things have calmed down. Everything is in hands of solicitors, down to minute detail about access to parts of the house. I am discovering reserves of strength I never knew existed. So you can be proud of me. You don't need to come down. I will Skype you later this week. Everything is now calm.
10 June 2012
My Diary:
I asked my mother to come down for a visit. (I thought about it and then emailed my mother feeling it would be better for me to visit her to explain what had happened.)
11 June 2012
Warden's Tweet: Life is so funny! Just when you see disaster looming the Universe throws you a lifeline, sometimes a couple, and you can relax a bit.
Letter from his solicitors:
Gist of letter: Arrangements agreed in correspondence at end of last week are proving unsuitable. He wants kitchen for 2 hours breakfast, lunch and dinner.. . . 'As your client may be aware our client has now secured a rental property which he will be able to move into in approximately 4 weeks. . . In the meantime he would be grateful if your client would agree to these proposals in an effort to allow him a certain level of freedom within his own house. [Note: The original agreement was put forward by him in mediation, which I agreed to without question.]
12 June 2012
Letter from my solicitor re his solicitor’s letter of 8th. My thoughts: If he had the kitchen for six hours a day, during which time I was not allowed to enter it, it would leave me little time to use the kitchen myself. He had the use of the whole house for five days a week when I was at work in any case.
13 June 2012
Email to my mother:
He is making this very tortuous and expensive business. I have so much to tell you when I see you. Hope I remember it all. It's all in charge. I've been dealing with this for a long time. Don't worry. Will get there.
Same day email to my mother
Hi Mum, So much is going on every day, it’s hard to get my head around, and I keep forgetting things. I'm trying to keep myself busy and out of the house. Which, although fun, is exhausting.
14 June 2012
My Diary: Spent the day with a girlfriend.
Email to my mother:
So much to think about, as you say. Many things to do, least of all trying to keep head above water! I'm off-sick for 2 weeks to get my head in order and look after boys although they are gravitating to him a lot as he has bought Netflix and has the PlayStation down there.
I am also trying to see friends and do 'me' things, like go to nice places for coffee. I have lots of support, which is lovely. Every day I have a friend to see or something to do. So that's nice.
My solicitor is brilliant. She has been my solicitor for 25 years and is very good at reminding me about all the times I have been to see her in those years and knows him and his attempts to control everything. She gives me good pep talks.
All the solicitors know each other in town too and I know she has spoken to his on the phone. Interestingly, when I went to the police station yesterday evening to pick up all our passports (I was worried he would try and abscond to SA with the boys) I bumped into an ex-colleague of his, whose son is in the same class as Adam.
He told me he thought my husband’s Facebook entries were an indicator of how he was, and in his opinion, he thought he was sounding manic.
15 June 2012
His solicitors to mine:
Turning to the statement of arrangements for the children, our client has confirmed that the property he has been able to secure to rent is on the same road as the matrimonial home. It also has two spare bedrooms and therefore suitable accommodation for the children. He therefore envisages that even when he moves out of the property the children will be able to move freely between the two properties, thereforethey will have joint care of the children. We trust that you will draft the statement of arrangements accordingly and forward to us for our client’s signature.
20 June 20i2
My Diary:
Mediation appointment at 3.30 during which I agreed I would make the last two payments of shared bills on the understanding he was moving out.
22 June 2012
I flew up to see my mother and explained exactly what happened on 7 June. She told me it seemed to her the police acted in a very partisan manner since one of the women attending had once worked with him when he was a policeman. She couldn't beieve that I had left the house and not him after he had shown violence towards me and especially after his previous violent behaviour in previous years of which they had a note. The letter he wrote to my solicitor reads just like the letter which he, with his mental problems, would write if one considers the totally unprovoked attack he made on my mother via emails in 2011.
25 June 2012
His email to me said there are problems re finding a flat, which are out of his hands, but that for the present everything at home seems 'quiet and harmonious'. Ha!
27 June 2012
His email to me :
The 25th of the month has passed and the two payments of:
25/05/2012 REGULAR TRANSFER FROM MRS *. REFERENCE- 2d £110.00
25/05/2012 REGULAR TRANSFER FROM MRS * REFERENCE - 2b £503.00
have not gone into my account. This system of two payments on the 25th of the month has been in place since July 2011.
Could you transfer the two payments as soon as possible today please and text me when you have done it. I cannot use my card again until you do.
I raised this issue at Mediation and you agreed that the family finances status quo would remain the same.
Since the 25th of the last month I have continued to buy groceries, write cheques for bills etc. and so my balance is now £246.35p
The food bill since the 25th of May is £724.00 which I have paid.
I have to point out that non-payment will have repercussions for all of us, me most of all. I'm sure you've just been busy and it is a simple oversight.
If you wish to review the finances I am happy to do that, but let's do it at Mediation and in the meantime honour the previous system.
For info I have six job applications going in the post this morning with salaries between £12,000 and £16,500.
Keeping the finances on a stable footing in the short-term will only benefit everyone, especially the children, and the finances as our divorce goes through.
My diary:
I am astounded that the food bill came to £724 and felt an explanation was necessary to how this
money had been spent because it usually came to far less and especially because I was hardly eating
anything and was still buying food for the house. I felt sure it must include his petrol.
My reply:
1: Thank you for your email of 27 June 2012 regarding the non-transfer of funds on 25 May 2012. We agreed at mediation that these last two payments would be made on the understanding you were moving out. This has not happened. When I get a breakdown of the amounts and the assurance that you are moving out, I will reconsider making a payment of what I owe you.
2: It is important that I know as soon as possible what household expenses I will have to face once you have moved out. I would appreciate a summary of household accounts including who and what they are for, how and when they are paid and the amounts. Copies of the last account, if possible, would also be useful to allow me to contact the payees. If you could do this as soon as possible it would help considerably.
His Twitter: Sometimes the Universe will deliver in an unexpected way. Look out. You’ll get what you asked but not in the way you thought so look around.
28 June 2012
My email to my solicitor:
He has akso offered, since he was able to receive Legal Aid for mediation, to pay half my mediation bills. [Note: He paid nothing.]
[At the last mediation] he informed me and the mediators that he was unable to use his credit card to pay the deposit required for the flat and had already purchased the necessary furnishing which are being stored elsewhere. etc
I am feeling extremely stressed and under pressure from his texts. I am trying to wqork, having returned from sick leave. I am capable of feeding the children, there is plenty of food in the kitchen cupboards and freezer.
28 June 2012
My note: He has bought a surfboard and wet suit for Adam. This at a time when he is protesting that he has no money.
29 June 2012
My email to my mother:
I am just beginning to realise how damaged I am inside from living for years in an unhealthy and abusive relationship. I am struggling to find the inner mental strength to find my way out of the dark.
Same date extracted from his business website :
The first Consultation hour is free. Subsequent sessions are charged at £45 per hour, or £25 per hour for those Clients who are Retired, Students, Job Seekers, Single Parents, Armed Forces Personel, and
Emergency Services Personel.
8 July 2012
My note between 10 and 11pm:
He came upstairs onto landing outside my bedroom door and stood there for 2-3 minutes then went
downstairs. [I was in bed.] Very unnerving.
9 July 2012
Date he said in mediation when he would move out.
11 July 2012
My Diary:
Warden's took Adam to the introduction to The Tall Ships Group and told me that parents were not invited (although he is going along.) I'm shattered. He said to me it is a father/son thing - which is why I was not invited.
My email to my mother:
He has arranged for skydiving lesson for Adam. He has also bought him a new phone. He also said he made a £1000 overpayment into our joint account which he then transferred it to his account without informing me. He told me this minutes before our first mediation meeting.
13 July 2012
My Diary:
Mortgage has been agreed.
I heard him on phone in kitchen to Santander complaining about arrangements I was making - to take the mortgage over into my hands and a direct quote from him talking to Santander ' Surely you need two people to sign and agree.' I was only making enquiries and asked them for the paper work to Santander as mediation had suggested.
14 July 2012
My note:
Danny disclosed that last night when I was out he was very frightened that I had died or was not coming home or had met someone. He said Dad had said 'Don't worry when we are living at ****** you won't worry because you won't know Mummy's out.'
When I arrived home at 12.45 he was still in the lounge. I felt like he was waiting up for me and I felt very nervous.
15 July 2012
My phone call to my mother - which she noted down:
She arranged for him to look after the boys so that she could go out for the evening to meet up with girlfriends and didn't get back until about 1 and found the boys were still up. The youngest told her he was worried thinking she was dead or had run off with someone. I asked her how he could have got such thoughts into his head. His reactions are very suspicious. She went out the following day and bought him a mobile phone telling him he could contact her any time - night or day.
16 July 2012
My Diary:
I have become aware that my eldest seems angry with me. I spoke to him about it. He is angry with me because he thinks I instigated the separation and divorce, when he could not see a reason why, plus the timing of it. My mother will be visiting shortly.
Drove to Southampton on business.
18 July 2012
Returned from Southampton.
Phone call to my mother - which she noted down: She again said Adam seemed angry with her and she spoke to him about it, asking him why he was angry. He said it was because he could not see the reason for the divorce and blamed her.
20 July 2012
Phone call from to my mother (who took notes)
He phoned to tell her at work to say that Adam was doing his first Sky Dive in half an hour. She was very upset because she wasn't consulted about it or told the time and date and if it had gone wrong she would not have had a chance to see him beforehand that day. Then she had to go home and put on a brave face, and congratulate him and say how brave he was.
My notes:
Additionally at this time I became aware that our eldest son, Adam, without explanation or
discussion, was becoming very distanced from me. I was desperate to keep a connection with him but despite all my attempts to speak to him, in order to discover the reason and telling him how much I loved him, he eventually closed himself off from me entirely, and my husband told me Adam blamed me entirely for the divorce and couldn‘t stand being the same room with me.
As the weeks passed I realised I was gradually seeing less and less of our children who were spending so much of their time with his downstairs. This situation continued, despite seeking his co-operation to ensure they spent time with me after I returned from work, and that they had their evening meal with me. He was not working so had contact with both children whenever they were home during the day.
Gradually I became more and more depressed as my time with my children was eroded away until I was seeing them for less than a quarter of an hour a day and he began taking over doing everything for them - including providing the evening meal, usually a take-away eaten downstairs with him.
Danny had always been a picky eater and I always ensured there was food available for him in the cupboards, and asked him daily what he would like for supper. His answer was always the same - Dad’s doing supper. I found the tension in the house was becoming unbearable because he was still living in the house and I wanted him out. I was finding life at home difficult and disheartening, not to say harrowing, as I became more isolated from the children.
When not working I was usually alone upstairs and whenever Danny passed me on the stairs, he asked when it was all going to end. He wanted the tension to come to an end. I did what I could to reassure him but having no wish to divide his loyalties, I could not tell him it could only end
when his father moved out. Meanwhile my husband seemed unaware that the situation was affecting him.
Throughout this time Danny frequently made it clear to me that he wanted me to keep the house. He also told of his distress one time when he told his father he wanted to come up to see me and his father prevented him from doing so and kept him downstairs for several hours.
In the third week of June my husband told his solicitors he was about to rent a house in the same road, and would be moving out shortly.
By then every personal negotiation between us was full of problems however much more worrying were events planned without my knowledge. I also realised that I was beginning to detest this man who had given me so much unhappiness over the years, and sharing a house with him was becoming quite abhorrent to me. Living with him was also increasing my depression.
26 July 2012
A friend wrote me a haiku:
Bright of eye she faces~
Bittersweet season of change~
Joy in her new life~
I was so touched. No one has ever written me anything as beautiful.
29 July 2012
"Depression is like doing an eternal battle with your own head, tortured by your own brain and haunted by your own memories. Therapists try to teach you to be in the moment, for us, the past is too painful, the future too veiled and dark but the moment is sometimes too frightening and real a place to reside in for long either, when that's the plain truth where do people recommend you go in your own head? Where can you go in your own mind that's safe? Everything seems hopeless and you cannot take any more pain. "
3 August 2012
Text from him:
Thank you for your text message at 12:59pm on Friday 3 August 2012. I have noted your points and if I may, will reply to each one individually.
1. Your Mum is returning to stay and will sleep in Adam's room until he returns from Europe. On his return she will sleep in your room. Please ensure your Mum has a hard copy of our living arrangements i.e. meal/bath times, my access to the kitchen, bathroom etc.
2. As far as our children are concerned, they will continue to have the following, as protected by Law:
free access to all parts of the house at all times. This MUST include the shower, whether you are on the mobile phone in your bedroom or not. The boys should not be denied to washing before bed time.
autonomy in their own decision-making as to where they go, when and with whom, unless it is for the Dr, Dentist, or Mediation access to both of us for consideration of the above, and yours and my complete respect for their decision-making the children also have rights protected under The Human Rights Act 1998
http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/governmentcitizensandrights/yourrightsandresponsibilities/dg_4002951ie the right to liberty, and the right to peaceful enjoyment of property these rights also apply to me
3. I will not impose upon them any restrictions as to where to go, with whom and when. That would be unlawful and cause harm to them emotionally and mentally.
4. Danny's bed time may remain at 10pm for the holidays, except for weekends.
5. Quote: 'Do you want Danny this weekend or next weekend?' - irrelevent. That will be Danny 's choice, as he will have access to all parts of the house at all times, and decide where to go, when, and with whom.
6. Adam similarly - irrelevent. As above.
7. Discussion with the boys - agreed, but in the presence of an independant third party ie Mediator etc.
8. Your Mum's preperation of lunch, supper and snack for the boys' on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday is noted. I will prepare for the boys' meals on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. That is an established idea, it works, and is a good idea. The written plan is irrelevent.
9. £600 deposit to a Letting Agent. Noted thank you. You will be advised of my instructions to my Solicitor following my meeting with her on Tuesday, as per usual channels.
[Note from my mother: Regarding the agreement that I would prepare the boys meals over the weekend, I was rarely given the opportunity because their father always made sure they were out with him having a meal. We did manage to have a Sunday meal together but this was the only meal I recall being able to prepare for them. He had also said he could not afford the deposit on the house he wanted so I paid him this £600 on the understanding he would move out by the end of August! He did not move out and reneged on our agreement however I never received my £600 back!]
10. Please advise of the length of your Mum's stay and the value of her financial contribution to the household bills. I suggest this be in cash and split 50/50 on a set day of the week.
11. I will advise you of any requirements from my perspective regarding your Mum staying in the family home. If there are any legal/financial considerations I will be made aware of them.
12. I look forward to a harmonious time in the family home for all of us, the boys especially, and if we all adhere rigidly to lawfull, respectful, courteous, and kind behaviour, words and actions, everyone will be happy, most importantly, Adam and Danny.
My note: Following this I spoke to my mother who said if I would take her shopping she would provide her own food and as it happened she always bought twice as much as she required which was accessable and used by both children during her stay.
4 August 2012
From him:
Following Mediation on 1 August 2012 I made the earliest appointment to see my Solicitor. This is 10am on Tuesday 7 August 2012.
The children shall have full access to all parts of the family home and to everyone, anywhere, at any and all times at their discretion.'
I will not give them instructions on where to go, when, and with whom. I have always, and will continue to answer all their questions with honest and appropriate responses. I have followed this principle since 13 May 2012. CAFCAS will look after the boys' needs when the time comes.
From him:
After careful consideration of the new circumstances with your Mum coming to stay, I have decided to temporarily confine my living to the ground floor of the house. This will be for the duration of your Mum's stay, and will alleviate any potential or perceived stress and worry for all of us. (As requested by you) your Mum of course is entitled to a level of privacy.
'Ground Floor' is defined as my current lounge/bedroom, downstairs loo, hallway, and understairs storage. I intend to put this into practice for a probationary period to see if it is workable.
I will therefore be preparing meals and refreshments for the boys on the ground floor on the days agreed.
I will run this by the boys to ensure that they are aware and know that as far as they are concerned, the status quo remains the same re access. I am more than happy for you to discuss this with them.
This gives me some peace of mind, and I hope it will for you and your Mum. The boys will benefit especially, knowing that wherever they go in the house, there will not be a cross-over of people in a room and therefore peace and harmony will reign.
My mother's notes:
I had visited my daughter a few weeks earlier for 7 days and Danny and I got along fine. We
played lots of games of his choice and I taught him a couple of card tricks, and I gave him one of my
husband’s magic tricks, showing him how it worked. I also saw him with his mother and it was obvious to me that they got along extremely well as one would expect a mother and son to. I did not see Adam that time because he was away.
My daughter phoned me extremely distressed early in August because she was hardly seeing her children and was off sick with depression which her husband appeared to think was something she could shake off had she so wished. I thought this showed the true selfish thinking of the bipolar mind.
She asked me to come down to stay. I was 80 years old and because I was unable to book a flight (there being only one flight a week) and was travelling down by train I asked my husband to accompany me. He is the same age as me and was to return home the following day (which, since he is of the same age was a considerable strain on him) leaving me with my daughter for as long as it was necessary.
It did not take long to take in the situation in the house. My daughter had been completely isolated from her children and during my stay I don’t believe she saw them for more than a few hours all told.
She told me that she had only been told the time of the tall ship sailing half an hour before it sailed and hastily drove her car so that she could see it off. Until then she had been given very few details about the whole event and had been told by her husband that the meetings were not for mothers.
While watching the ship sail she started speaking to one of the other mothers and it then became clear that all the mothers had been fully involvedin all the prepation and meetings! Her husband had been lying all along about them being excluded. Another example of him trying to separate her from involvement with Adam. I can ony imagine the distress this caused my daughter.
From Warden after my mother and stepfather arrived:
I sent you a text. Danny had a funny 5 minutes because he wasn't expecting your stepfather. He had all sorts of questions and we did a nice breathing exercise to calm down.
Everything is ok. For info, when the boys are a bit iffy, we have a phrase called 'Let's flip it'. It's a type of instant therapy using NLP and CBT. So we flipped this and said: 'It's ok to have feelings. Feelings can change from sad to happy'
'It's nice that Nan is back and it's nice that Grandpa is down as well. That is a nice surprise. Nan won't be homesick now, and Grandpa will have a nice holiday. Mum will be really happy because they are both down'
Bit of breathing, and then we say: 'There, we flipped it'
He will sleep down here tonight in my bed (you haven't seen it, it's a big double with a memory foam mattrass)
He asked to sleep down here and I agreed as long as he respects the new bed time. Give him 12 hours to get used to them, he actually thought your Mum was down IN 2 weeks, not, FOR 2 weeks. That caused a problem so we flipped that as well.
He is going to help me stock the fridge at the shops in a sec, but he will come up and say goodnight, I have insisted he do this.
Don't worry, all will be well, he will be right as rain in the morning.
My note: I was not happy with him counselling our children especially since he did not discuss it with me first. Is it ethical to counsel ones own children? He also seemed to think my stepfather was staying longer.
5 August 2012
His text to me:
I had emailed you yesterday to say that Danny would sleep over with me, but you called down for him to go to bed. To avoid confrontation I told him to go to bed. Tonight however he will sleep over with me and I'm giving you fair notice. To re-assure you, if you tell me what reasonable bedtime for him you feel is good for you, I will ensure that we stick to that.
Comment from my mother: No allowance here for her the fact she had forgotten his text!
6 August 2012
My text to him: Please advise me on how Adam is getting home from Bristol Airport tomorrow.
Reply from him: I'm collecting him. Danny will be with your Mum when I leave for Bristol.
My text to him: What time will you be leaving? What time does Adam touch down? When do you expect to be home? (Note: Danny had told me he did not want to go because it was a long journey, and that he would stay behind with my mother.)
Reply from him: Haven't decided yet. To be confirmed but believe 5:55pm. If confirmed, approx between 8pm and 9pm. When confirmed, will let you know.
Same day
Another haiku for me
sleepless this night hour ~
silence is deafening sound~
the dark touches me
7 August 2012
My note:
When Danny did not appear by 10 am as arranged, my mother called downstairs to see if he was
there and searched the house because she was expecting him to be with her. She phoned me at work in some concern wondering where he was.
Mt text to him: You said you are taking Danny 'because he is desperate to meet Adam at the airport.' This was not his view yesterday. He did not want to make the long journey. I am concerned that he might not want to go, but has been unable to tell you.
With regard to my mother, she delights in having her grandchild around and does not need 'peace and quiet'. As I understand, Danny has been with you predominantly yesterday anyway.
11.04 Text from Warden:
He wants to go to meet Adam. Quote 'I miss him. Can I come with you to get him?' There are no reasons why he shouldn't come, and several why he should, the main being his wanting to. Off air now until our return.
My notes:
It then occurred to me that he and Danny were on their way to Bristol airport and he had intimated at one time that he would take the children overseas without any discussion with me. In view of this I had hidden Danny's passport and I now asked my mother to look for it in the place I had hidden it. It wasn't there.
Because of this I was greatly concerned and phoned him asking him if he knew where it was. He said he didn't. I then phoned Danny and asked him if he knew where the passport was and eventually he said he had found it and taken it to school and had lost it. I was very distressed until they all arrived back later.
Shortly after arrival Adam came and sat with us to tell about his Tall Ships experiences. My mother can confirm he did not appear to be showing any animosity towards me and gave us considerable details about his trip and answered questions.
Extracts from letter of this date - my solicitors to his:
As you know our clients attended a second mediation appointment on Wednesday the 1st August when both mediators expressed surprise and concern to learn that you client had not left the matrimonial home despite assurances that he would be moving to alternative accommodation as soon as possible after the first mediation appointment on the 29th June 2012.
When it was agreed that your slient should remain in the matrimonial home whilst he found alternative accommodation our client assumed that the children's routines would continue as before. Unfortunately this has not been the case. For example, so fare as Adam is concerned, your client arranged a skydiving lesson with no reference to our client and our client was excluded from the arrangements and experience of Adams' recent Tal Ships trip. When this was mentione3d in mediation your client alleged that the relationship between Adam and our client had broken down but our client has had no indication to that effect from Adam himself. Your client claims to have no money but he withdres £1000 from te joing account. He has purchased not only a skydiving lesson but also a wet suit and surfboard for Adam.
With regard to Danny, the younger child, your client's behaviour has been deeply upsetting including asking him not to tell our client certain things and, more recently, upsetting him by telling him he is overweight and that he must lose weight before his new school uniform is purchased. . . .
Since the start of the school holidays your client has not maintained the boundaries on his routines and behaviour.So far as we aware your client has no qualification in child psychology and our client is concerned that your client's behaviour towards the boys is damaging.
Our client is very concerned that you client is exhibiting the symptoms of his mental health problems. He has taken to sending lengthy emails and text messages to our client later contradicting himself. He is spending money. Obsessing about the living arrangements and changing his mind - symptoms of an elevated mood with bipolar.
The mediators on the 1st August tried to reassure our client saying that a lot of difficulties will be resolved as soon as your client leaves the former matrimonial home. [The letter then gives details about my proposals for sharing the days the boys spent with each parent, and holiday and Christmas arrangements.]
At the mediation appointment on the 1st August your client assured our client and the mediators that he would leave the matrimonial home by or before 1st September but our client is prepared to extend that time limit to the end of the first week in September which we take to be on or before Friday 7 September 2012.
At the outset of this letter we mentioned that our client has serious concerns about the effect of your client's behaviour upon the boys. In previous school summer holidays our client had to make arrangements to avoid the necessity for your client to spend any significant time alone with the children because of the effect upon your client and his inability to cope. . . . As you client knows, in past years our client has taken the last two weeks in August as annual leave.
Our client has no wish to alienate the boys from their father and seeks to encourage them to continue to benefit from time spent with your client. However your client appears unable to see that his recent behaviour, upsetting their routines and excluding our client is detrimental to their wellbeing.
We emphasise that the purpose of this letter is not to enter into protracted arguments but rather to set out our client's concerns, put forward her proposals for contact and to confirm that the situation in the former matrimonial home is (as predicted) intolerable for all concerned whether your client realises it or not and no matter who (if anyone) is to blame. It is a situation which will only be relieved when you client moves to his new home. As you client knows, this is a view shared by the mediators to whom he gave his assurances.
8 August 2012
My mother's email to my stepfather:
I can see she is being totally alienated and isolated from the boys and because she does not want to involve them in what is happening or what he has done in the past she can offer no explanation.
Apart from Danny coming up for ten minutes or so and then going up to her bedroom to watch TV or play a game, and Adam sticking his head round door a couple of times, and sitting with his Mum showing her some of his photos of his trip, the boys for the rest of the time are downstairs with their Dad.
She is supposed to have them upstairs from Friday but to me it doesn't look as though things will change and the boys will continue going downstairs and he, needless to say, does not encourage them to spend any time upstairs with her which makes her feel completely isolated from them. She misses them terribly.
9 August 2012
His email:
I have an appointment at 2:30pm today to see my Solicitor and have revised Instructions. I am writing to give you some re-assurance today. I am agreeing to your terms regarding the children and your agreement to a buy-out, and obviously there are points to clarify and agree on.
Hopefully your solicitor will be able to contact you this afternoon, and I think that we will all breathe easier as a result, and start movingtoward a happy conclusion.
10 August 2012
My mother's letter to my solicitors:
As you know I am visiting my daughter to give her support during the divorce proceedings and realise that my comments may be seen somewhat biased, however I think much of the following is based on fact, has been discussed and can be proved.
So far as I and several mutual friends are aware, until the start of these proceedings, there were no problems between my daughter and her children and they had an extremely close and loving relationship. Whenever we spoke on Skype the relationship with her children always appeared relaxed and happy and they appeared very close and shared a most loving relationship.
She told me she was unhappy with her marriage and found the strain of living with his mental health for over 20 years and which was only diagnosed in 2008 was having depressing an adverse and effect on her health. Then she filed for divorce.
I visited her earlier in July by which time she had told me about Adams' father arranging for him to go Skydiving without discussing it with her; he had known the date of this event for some time before it took place but only chose to inform her only a short time before it took place and while she was working. Naturally when informed the news distressed her since had anything gone wrong she had not seen her son that day and if anything had happened to Adam she would not have had a chance to say goodbye to him.
The insensitivity shown by her husband regarding this is unbelievable and shows he has little concern for her feelings.
In the week I visited the first time, soon after she filed for divorce, I was able to spend time with Danny and became friends with him, and we spent many hours together and I noted at the same time how close he was to his mother.
It was during my visit at that time that she told me that she had been almost totally excluded from the whole of the Tall Ships experience which Adam was to take part. It concerned me that she was being so effectively excluded by her husband from such an important event in her son’s life.
She also told me she felt that her son was angry with her about something and she feared that unless she could discuss it with him, matters could not improve. She even went so far as to say she believed she had lost him forever.
When he flew back from the Tall Ships event it was agreed between them that Danny would remain behind with me because he said he didn’t want to go on the long journey however despite this his
father decided to take him with him. Only after they had left did he inform her. It occurred to her that since her husband's father lived overseas there was a possibility that he was about to remove them from the country, and the fact that Danny's passport was missing only added to her anxiety.
Since her eldest son's return from the Tall Ships event I have become aware that both boys are almost
exclusively with their father from morning until bedtime and I have hardly spent an hour in total with them since my arrival on the 4th August, and my daughter not much more.
It is not in her nature to place a burden on her children by telling them she felt lonely without them, or suggest they spend more time with her. She feels that coming to terms with the divorce was enough of a problem for them to deal with and had hoped that as parents she and her husband could shield them from feeling they had to choose between one or the other or influence them in an attempt to persuade them to choose. I would have thought that her husband, as a trainee counsellor, would have realised this and out of concern for the situation his children were in, would have encouraged them to spend more time with their mother, however this, so far as I can see, he has failed to do.
Tonight when she returned from work, being aware that Adam's attitude remained distant towards her, she asked him to go for a drive with her with the intention of telling him of the distance she felt was growing between them, and attempted to put things right with him, and to ask him to tell her what was wrong. However he said he didn't want to talk about it.
It seems very strange to me that her son should show such little concern for his mother's welfare and be so unforgiving of someone who has shown him nothing but love and concern for his wellbeing since the day he was born, and that his father, a counsellor, should be so unconcerned about the distance growing between the boy and his mother.
At about the same time she also asked Danny if she had done anything to upset him and he assured her that she hadn’t.
Since the distance between she and Adam does not appear to be closing I am concerned that because the two brothers are so close being in the constant company of his father and Adam, Danny may also become influenced by them both and alienated against her.
While her husband says he never speaks against her to them it seems clear to me that something has been said to Adam by someone of influence which has created this distance between them. Even supposing his father does not talk against her it is clear to me that he is not sufficiently concerned for his children’s mental welfare and is not trying to solve this problem which can only harm the children.He often acts without consultation with my daughter over matters concerning the boys, and in particular Danny.
So I am asking myself why would Adam be so unwilling to talk to his mother about what is troubling him, while he remains on the best of terms with his father? I do not believe any child can be turned against a loving and caring mother without the influence and encouragement of someone close to him.
Her husband says he has always spoken well of her to the children. If this is the case then it surprises me that he, as a parent and a trainee counsellor, is not more concerned about the mental health of his children, since he does not appear to be trying to help Adam deal with whatever problem distances him from his mother.
Additionally I am surprised that he continues to monopolise their time to such an extent that she hardly ever sees them. His absence from the house would, I am sure, greatly benefit her and help the children realise that their mother has no wish to create a gulf between their father and them.
From what I have seen his continued presence in the house is doing more harm than the divorce itself and is giving him time to influence his children in his favour which cannot be good for their mental health. I find it incredulous that this has been allowed to continue despite protestations by my daughter, and while I sympathise with anyone who has mental health problems I have the welfare of my daughter and grandchildren to consider.
I do not believe any caring and concerned father whose wife, the only wage earner in the home, was trying to make a home for the children, would want to see his children suffer from mental health problems in the future which is where this is leading. And we are allowing this to happen!
I would appreciate it if you would consider the seriousness of the contents of this letter as being of such concern to me that a copy is sent to his solicitors.
12th August 2012
My mother’s email to my stepfather:
. . . because he will not move out she feels very resentful and I am sure this is not missed by the boys.
I cannot blame her for he has a controlling relationship with them, and despite saying they have the freedom to go where they want he expresses, by nuance, that the divorce is all entirely her fault and the divorce is not what he wants, putting on an air of not being to blame in any way, and cannot understand why it is all happening. He is so duplicitous.
13 August 2012
My mother:
An event of some importance happened to him and the children while they were out. They went to the assistance of someone. When they returned home they went straight into the room downstairs and neither of the boys made any attempt to come upstairs to see their mother. She only heard of the event when someone phoned and told her about it. I would have thought that two lads having been involved in a cliff rescue would have wanted to rush home and tell their mother right away and certainly Danny!
She was very upset to think the boys, whom she had not seen all day, had not come up to tell her about it and she had to hear it from a third party. She went downstairs and knocked on his door and told them of the phone call, and ended by saying 'thanks so much for telling me, guys'. She was angry and his response was - 'don't ever do that again or I will call the police!' Which seems to be a threat he is fond of throwing out to her. This was the only time I ever saw of her angry!
15 August 2102
My mother’s comments:
He had said he could not afford to move out because he did not have the £600 deposit necessary so my husband and I offered to give him this money on the understanding he would move out immediately, which he agreed to do.
Once he had the money he changed his mind and said he wanted the house pay out settled before he moved out. It seems clear this was an attempt to extort money and that he has no concern about the children’s mental welfare and just sees her (and now us) as a cash cow that he can drain of money from and keep coming back for more. This man is so avaricious.
16 August 2012
My mother's email to my stepfather:
Danny has made it pretty clear that he wants to stay with her.
My email from work to my mother:
Dearest Mum, I'm sorry that you have entered this maelstrom of my emotions and the crappiest time of my life. I have been so lucky to have your support, even after 15 plus years of estrangement. You did fly to my side with no hesitation. That is a tribute to the person you are. You have offered all the support and more. My situation is already a pot of simmering tensions and anxieties, ready to boil over at the slightest opportunity.
My mother’s email to my stepfather:
The mediator seems to think that he is faffing around because he keeps changing the goal posts. I think it is clear that he is a big problem to all concerned, including his solicitors who may well be pleased to see the back of him.
The next mediation meeting, and each one costs her £180 with him paying nothing, will be postponed which will save her that amount. Her solicitor gave her the account for services and she only owes about £500. So all round she is very pleased. She accepts that he is not going to leave in September but still feels very positive because the news is hopeful.
17 August 2012
My mother's email to my stepfather:
We tried to entertain Danny this morning but it was hard going. After three or four games or more on my laptop he decided he didn't want to play: a board game (which he had been so anxious to play on my first visit), not even Monopoly, or paint, or make something with his mother, or go out anywhere.
So he settled down to watch Dr Who with me. I went to make sandwiches for lunch while she was upstairs, and when I returned he had disappeared downstairs again to play on Xbox which his father apparently plays at the same time with him. So I don't expect we shall see him for the rest of the day. Danny just doesn't appear to know how to entertain himself except by playing on Xbox or watching TV.
My mother’s notes:
While I was staying with her I was sleeping in her bedroom which is en suite. One morning while I was dressing ands still in my underwear her eldest son knocked at the door and said he wanted to use th en suite bathroom. I called out that I was still dressing and to wait a moment. He knocked again and thinking it was something urgent I opened the door while trying to shelter myself behind it in my underwear.
He then aggressively barged past me saying ‘I want to use the shower.’ His behaviour and attitude shocked me. The subject of access to the room while I was there had already been broached by my daughter to her husband before I had arrived and out of respect for my age the boys had been told not use the shower in the mornings while I was in the process of dressing. However his father was, apparently, still reinforcing his mantra that the boys should have free access everywhere regardless of my visit.
18 August 2012
My mother's email to mystepfather:
Today Danny was with his father the whole day. Then tonight his father said Danny was having a sleepover with him because she will be having him all day tomorrow. To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. I wanted to go down and ask him whether he had given any thought to the fact that she hadn't seen her son all day today. It's almost as though keeping the boy with him is an obsession. I don’t think he is capable of sharing the children.
26 August 2012
After a solitary walk at Trelissick I wrote: The water dances and glitters through the trees like a million flitting fairies
30 August 2012
My email to him following a letter from his solicitors asking for changes to the mediation agreement:
We met in mediation and came to an agreement on various matters including the care of the boys. I am sticking to this agreement and expect you to do the same. Should you not wish to stick by our agreement please let me know and I will contact the mediators accordingly and will leave them to decide how to handle the matter and report to the court.
My notes trying to work out appropriate arrangements for boys:
Every other weekend (Fri/Sat/Sun nights) with you. If Harry would like to pop over and visit either parent, wishes must be texted and checked this is OK with other parent and time limit agreed.
Week days: After snack, homework & supper, Danny can decide if he would like to come over to you or me. Must be home by 8:30 for shower/bath/bed at 9pm
Wishes must be texted and checked this is OK with other parent and time limit agreed.
Suppers: flexible, dependant on diaries?
Suggestions same for Jon, except bedtime flexible (Fri/Sat: 11pm; weekdays 10pm)
Communication is paramount for this to work. Sync on a Monday evening.
Summary
• Boys sleep at my house, except every other weekend.
• Visiting is flexible up till bedtime all week
• Parents will text to confirm arrangements and agree times
My mother's notes:
Towards the end of my stay, believing that tAdam was old enough to deal with the fact that his mother was not well and under considerable strain, I spoke to him one night, asking him to try and show understanding towards her situation and her ill health.
This, I learnt recently (2013) was not well received by Adam who told his father he was embarrassed and didn't want to know about his mother's problems!!! How can a son be so cold about his mother who, it is clear, loves him so much?
Just before I left to return home his examination results arrived and he brought them up to show her.
In my presence he stood at the top of the stairs as she read it and then she put her arms around him and cuddled him and began whispering to him, telling him how much she loved him and how very proud she was of him and his results.
I found it very moving to see how much emotion she was showing him in order to try and recreate the
bond they once had. I felt I was intruding on a private scene between mother and son so I moved away with tears in my eyes because I could almost feel the love pouring out from her and felt sure
that he could not have failed to realise how much she loved him. If he did not realise how much love she had for him I can only conclude he had been compltely turned by someone and that someone was his father.
During my stay Danny was obviously very stressed constantly saying he wanted the whole situation to end, so I took him out one afternoon to visit my son. I was amazed at the change in him once he was away from the house and his father. He was more like the child I had seen on my first visit and he spent the whole afternoon having fun in the swimming pool with my son and his partner, and then fooling round, trying on a monkey mask my son had and generally being very friendly. He just had a great time. Once back at the house things returned to how they had been.
I was aware that they had a final mediation the next day and I took the opportunity to tell my son-in-law about how much Danny had enjoyed himself and the changes I had seen during my visit and how he had been so happy that afternoon. I told him the child deserved to feel like that every day and the only thing preventing it was his attitude. He said he understood.
On his return from mediation the following day, before my daughter returned home my son-in-law poked his head round the door with a big smile on his face and said to me 'All agreed. All sorted.' I asked him did he mean everything had been agreed about Danny staying with his mother and the finaces and he replied yes, all sorted. I took it from this that he had realised the damage being done and that my daughter would have Danny living with her.
5 September 2012
My text to my mother re Danny's first day at senior school:
Apparently a day from hell. Lots of Mummy love and cuddles and sorting out.
His email to me:
I'm happy to pay half for further mediation. I do think it would benefit the boys, and I'm working really hard to get them to spend less time down here. I have noticed I see less of them, but I don't where they go i.e. bedrooms etc. I know Danny has chilled out a bit more.
I would like to do this through Mediation. I'm happy to go with your flow, and for us to ask the boys want they want to do.
ps. I am determined for your happiness where the boys are concerned, and would like to book a night away for you and the boys somewhere nice one day as a treat where you can have a great dinner together and a walk on the beach and a nice cooked breakfast. I might do that for the boys as well to bond and give them 100% quality time. I hope that shows my sincere appreciation of children's relationship with their Mum.
My note re this: He did not pay for any of the mediation which he had suggested in the first place neither did the offer of a night away come to anything. It was all another little one of his ploys. It was not an offer I was prepared to accept in any case.
My email to him:
I have arranged for the mediation for the children on Friday 14th August. They will see the boys together and feed back to us. We will then mediate the statement of arrangements for the children, following this (same day) with the usual Mediators. They will ring you to ask for parental consent from you and agree a time.
My note:
His reply was to try to renegotiate that which was agreed in mediation. Of course he realised that despite my illness during the summer I was not going to allow him control matters any more and this only made him more determined.
8 September 2012
My notes (which I conveyed to mr mother at the time):
Danny, without any prompting from me, confessed to lying about the whereabouts of his passport. He opened up to me. Wanted to tell me things Daddy had told him not to say. He said Daddy has gone back on his word not to tell things to him that he doesn't want me to know. I said I would have to talk to his father about it and he burst into tears and said 'Daddy says he doesn't get cross anymore, but when he does get angry he is very scary and then won't speak to me for a whole day. I don't want you to tell Daddy in case he gets angry.'
He told me he had found his passport in my room and had given it to his father who told him not to tell me. He said Daddy had also told him it was likely his brother would live with him when he moved out. Danny was very upset about this because he thought it would hurt me. He also said Daddy had told him not to tell me.
He said that when I started to go out of an evening he and his brother had concluded I was seeing someone, and when they talked to their father about it he did not dispel the idea. I told him I went out because sometimes I couldn't bear to stay in the house with his father and he said he wished I had told him at the time.
He also said his father had said 'Don't worry when we are living [somewhere else] you won't worry because you won't know Mummy's out.'
Finally he said he was so relieved to have unburdened himself with all this. It made my heart break to think he had been holding onto this. Poor little mite.
Later email comment (24 January 2013) from my mother:
This shows he told Danny that he was planning to move Adam out even before the court hearing and while he was agreeing in mediation to the boys staying with you. He is so duplicitous! I think this should also go into the CAFCASS letter to show how his word cannot be trusted - it adds strength to mediations words that he never stuck to anything he agreed in mediation.
9 December 2012
Another walk at Trelissick.
By this point I was very find of ?, but not yet divorced. I realised that I could be me again.
I wrote: Thousands of cobwebs... millions even! The trees dripping the gathered dew~mist from their leaves; it's as if the trees are crying for the beauty of the new day. One just shed a tear on me.
12 September 2012
My note:
At mediation we agreed a Memorandum of Understanding but within days he has again asked for changes to be made. I said I was sticking to this agreement and if he wanted to change things I would contact the mediators accordingly and leave them to report to the court.
At his request a mediation meeting was then made for our sons for 14 September. My eldest son said he would write a letter to them but my youngest wanted his chance to have his say and said he wanted to alternate living with both parents.
During our mediation which followed my husband, surprisingly, agreed to let me have the children full time. I reassured him that I would always encourage the boys to have a close relationship with him, and allow them time with him, and a sleep over once a fortnight.
Since starting the divorce I had felt it was better for me to have oversight of the children’s care. From
experience, I was aware there are times when his bipolar illness means he cannot adequately care for the children. I am also aware there are times when he can, and since I work full time I still anticipate the need to involve him in their care during public and school holidays, at which times he would see them almost every week day, as well as having them staying with him every other weekend.
12 September 2012
My text to a friend:
I have paid the mediation bill, which allowed release of the paperwork that supported the decisions made at mediation.
They felt trying to hold further mediation about the child arrangements would serve no purpose. The crucial part is that inside the paperwork, it is clearly stated that the children will live with me and have open access to Warden. Corroborating the original statement of arrangements. So if Warden wants to argue he will have to organise further mediation...
So took all stuff over to solicitors, who had received the mortgage offer today. Therefore can now organise to draw the money down and pay the ass off. I believe he already has the keys to the property he is to move to. So should only be matter of days.
I checked how long the decree absolute would take to come once applied for on or around 5th October. Matter of days it would seem.
More worrying disclosures from Danny :(
He confirmed Warden has the house. Adam is there with his friend. I just explained how the living arrangements with Danny, who is very upset and crying. He wants to be able to sleep more at Warden's. I'm really stuck, because Danny petrified I will break his confidence to Warden. But I want to have it out with Warden, and get him to agree in front of Danny this is the best for him. However, not sure Warden will. Bloody Hell!!!!!! Don't know what to do!
Their response:
"So Warden is keen to use the boys to punish you. Danny is keen for this never to have happened and have both his parents - and I guess both Adam and Danny are desperately keen not to take sides, especially with Mr Angry/Fragile.
You are the signed mediation agreement that you are the prime caretaker - that is THE important thing. I would suggest allowing your boys as much flexibility as you can - if you don't buy into Warden trying to punish you, he will realise soon ... hang on a minute, I'm looking after the boys more than she is, and she's not bothered, that's not fair ... and will lose his keenness to use the boys as a weapon (they are only a useful weapon against you if it hurts you).
So if the boys want to help their dad settle in, fine
If the boys want to look after him a bit, fine
Over exposure to him will soon have them yearning for you.
Over exposure to the boys will soon have Warden regretting that he set himself up to try and take on more of the parenting
So, I suggesting positing it to the boys that WARDEN agreed to give you the prime care responsibility, but that you are fine with them moving between the two of you (while new habits and settled and new routines put in place)."
14 September 2012
My email to my mother:
I bumped into Adam in the hallway last night and managed to grab a nice cuddle off him.
My mother's note in 2013:
His father recently told Lyssa that Adam 'broke down in the car saying to him that he couldn't stay in the house any more. My feelings are that Adam was ashamed and embarrassed that his mother still showed him so much love and forgiveness to him despite his behaviour towards her.
17 September 2012
17/09/12
Email to my manager
Dear ****,
First thing in the morning I am going to see my GP.
I am deeply stressed with the terminal part of my divorce and separation of the family. My eldest son, aged 16 has made the decision to live with his father.
I am at the mercy of the legal system, also trying to work out the division of the property, the remortgage and changing of family routines.
I know I have not been 100% at work and it grieves me that I am unable to give it the usual vim and vigour that I am used to doing.
I am so loathe to take sick leave. I have endeavoured over the last year, to not to do so.
However, I feel certain, if I allow myself time to recover and devote my energies to my family at this most important time, I am likely to recover quickly and return to work sooner, than if I soldiered on and suffered a breakdown.
I know you will understand, you have always been so supportive, for which I am extremely grateful. Please let me know that you are OK with this, as I worry so.
kindest regards
21 September 2012 circa
Letter from Warden's solicitors saying Adam would not be living with her but that Danny would. Also the agreement was not to stick rigidly by the days her husband wanted.
Letter to his solicitors 26th September - reply regarding their letter indicating Adam would be living with his father.
His solicitors: client says he cannot move to his new accommodation until the lump sum is paid.
Memorandum of Understanding records that she will be the main carer for both children.
28 September 2012:
He made changes on the application to court going against what had been agreed in mediation also wanted changes to the children's addresses.
2 Oct 2012
My solicitors to his solicitors:
So far as we are aware, any knowledge your client may have acquired with regard to mental health would have come from his own experience. However, it is certainly true that your client’s behaviour towards our client (whilst exhibiting a caring veneer to third parties) has been the greatest contributing factor to reducing our client’s homelife to a misery. If your client was genuine in his concerns for the children and our client then he would have left when first he promised he would – long ago.
My notes:
Just discovered he has submitted a letter to the court, for the judge to read while deciding on the
financial settlement. I now have to respond via my solicitor!!!!!!! Devastated
A poem I found:
One latest, solitary swallow flies
Across the sea, rough autumn-tempest tossed,
Poor bird, shall it be lost?
Dropped down into this uncongenial sea,
With no kind eyes
To watch it while it dies,
Unguessed, uncared for, free:
Set free at last,
The short pang past,
In sleep, in death, in dreamless sleep locked fast.
6 October 2012
Quotes I found which moved me:
“There is in every true woman's heart, a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity, but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.”
Washington Irving
“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”
“Outward beauty is not enough; to be attractive a woman must use words, wit, playfulness, sweet-talk, and laughter to transcend the gifts of Nature” Petronius
9 October 2012
My mother emailed regarding him not moving from the house and suggesting that he was unhappy with leaving his little nest downstairs. She was also concerned about the situation at home because he had furniture and boxes stacked in the lower hall which made the ground floor quite oppressive and was a fire hazard since they would have blocked one of the exits if a fire had broken out. This had been going on since her visit in July/August.
My reply: Hi Mum, just waiting outside the school. Yes, there is probably some truth in what you say. Time will tell. I have no doubt this is a very difficult transition for him, and quite painful, having to leave me and Danny. He is clearly very happy with the status quo.
11 October 2012
Series of texts between them:
Him: Sorry, missed this text - yes, Adam is now living at 17. If you would like an update or progress about him let me know and I will fill you in.
My reply: Where have you instructed Danny to go after school?
His reply: I haven't instructed him to go anywhere. I only reinforce the advice given by Richard and Sue in mediation which is to allow him to do as he pleases within reason. He is coming to me at 17 after school for snack and supper at 5pm.The best thing you can do about him is relax. He's a switched on cookie and knows what he wants to do. He's happy.
My reply: I understand from Danny that he is sleeping at your house tonight. You seem to have a
communication breakdown and are not informing me about your plans. This is unhelpful for the children's sake. They need stability and to know that things need to be agreed and organised.
His reply: Thanks, the boys are just fine. If you need me to double up on his texts I can do that for you. They are establishing routine with me with lots of stability just fine.
My mother’s comment:
Re Danny - It seems strange to me that a child of twelve is allowed to wander at will and without
direction in this manner between two homes! Surely someone is responsible for knowing where he is at all times. It’s called parental responsibility and his father seems to keep saying let him be where he wants to be, inferring that he can wander at will between the two homes. This is how children get into trouble.
16 Oct 2012
Email to her mother:
Adam left home this weekend and now lives at No17. I had to ask him this morning if Adam had moved out.
Danny currently comes home from school and goes straight to his father's room downstairs and stays there till time for bed. He insists he (my husband) is still living here. Today has been horrendous, finding out Adam has left but no one had chosen to tell me.
My additional note:
I was still working full time and my youngest son was still coming home from school to his father’s room downstairs, staying there until bedtime, and spending every weekend with him. If I suggested to Danny that we might do something he liked together, he told me that arrangements had already been made for him to do something else with his father. This occurred so often I began to wonder if this was another lie his father had told him to tell on such occasions!
His father then began encouraging Danny to spend the occasional night at no.17. I made no objection in the belief that, as agreed in mediation and in court, Danny would be staying with me once his father had moved out. I felt that after all the upset he had gone through, he needed the reassurance that he would not be losing contact with his brother or his father once the divorce was finalised.
17 October 2012
My text to my mother at 21.36
Danny sleeping at Warden’s again but I had a good two hours with him this evening.
My notes and draft of letter to my solicitor
Subtle insidious
Year ago preparing for Snowdon
eloquent rational researched
Power control isolated
dismissive
reducing independence and increasing interdependence with him
To my solicitors:
Yesterday I found out (after having to ask Warden) that Adam had moved out to Warden's new accommodation.
On top of this Warden is encouraging Dannyy to come to this new house after school and sleep there.
It would seem Warden is making major effort to ensure the children stay with him as much as possible. I am only informed of decisions regarding what Danny will be doing about 10 minutes before the occasion.
I have expressed my concerns to Warden and responses I get are dismissive and superciliously placatory.
I am very concerned that Warden's behaviour towards the children is as a direct result of his Bipolar illness.
His influence is subtle and insidious, so the children would not even be aware of what is happening. Gradually he is reducing their independence and increasing their interdependence on him. He is isolating them from me and the rest of my family, but by using what would look like to the outsider lay-person a rational eloquent, researched, 'fact' based approach.
He drives Adam to College on a very regular basis. Danny is dropped close to school via car even though it only takes 5 minutes to walk. Danny is encouraged to do as he pleases. I have deliberately not gone in for trying to compete against Warden's 'treat' approach, and brainwashing techniques eg 'Boys routine' means going to Costa coffee every Saturday morning for food and drink. Sunday mornings they now expect cooked breakfast with him at Sainsbury's. There are endless food treats and PlayStaion games, DVD's etc being used to insidiously bribe the children.
Warden is displaying very subtle abusive behaviour, if you examine the Duluth 'Power and Control Wheel' I believe Andrew is exhibiting a lot of the behaviour contained.
http://www.theduluthmodel.org/training/wheels.html
http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/PowerandControl.pdf
I think some of the concerns I have raised in this letter need to be highlighted to the court.
Please let me kindly know your thoughts,
kindest regards
My mother's diary:
4.08 am
The news about Adam moving out has really upset me. She is now virtually alone in the house with him but I suppose that is the way it has been longe before the divorce started. My heart still tells me to pack the car and for us to go down and stay until this is all sorted. My husband's presence may just bring a little balance to the house.
6.11 am
I got up and went downstairs to watch TV soon after writing that and after an house came back to bed and tried, unsuccessfully, to sleep. I cannot get her out of my mind.
6.44 am
Half an hour ago I decided to try to sleep - unsuccessfully! So now I am up . . . I must try to find a way to sort out a way to help her.
18 October 2012
My note:
He has told me they had something planned for the long weekend and in view of the fact there is no sign of him moving out and him refusing to give a date for that event I have decided to have a long weekend away from now to Sunday 21st.
19 October 2012
My note:
I went away for a long weekend and a day later my mother drew my attention to one of his Tweets written on the day I had left, ‘any friends of my brother **** or *** on fb ask both to ring me.’ On hearing this I was surprised because my husband and his family were alienated because of his behaviour and wanted nothing more to do with him.
On returning home I was devastated to discover that during my absence hen had moved into no. 17 and, without my consent, warning or discussion, had taken Danny with him. He did this without any word beforehand that he was about to move, despite being asked on numerous occasions. All this took place before receiving the Decree Absolute.
Shortly after I returned home the school contacted me to say he had phoned saying he might need to take the children out of the country soon and asked what he needed to do to take them out of school during term time. On hearing this I was seriously considering the possibility that he intended to take the children to live elsewhere.
I later learned that his father overseas had a heart attack and if he had died my husband would have taken both children before I returned home and flown out with them without telling me.
My elderly parents immediately drove down from the north east to be with me. In view of what my husband had said about Danny being upset when they arrived last time, I asked them to stay elsewhere to make sure their presence didn't upset Danny and prevent him from visiting me. This meant they had to drive around after the long drive down, trying to find accommodation.
21 October 2012
My notes:
Danny came over to the house to spend the night and I asked him what he wanted to do. i.e. go out for a pizza, or rent a movie or something else. He got cross and said he didn’t want to do anything and ran out of the house.
From him:
Danny has come back to 17 and said he intends to sleep here tonight. I am happy with that. He has been sleeping here for 6 nights in a row, you have been away for 4. He has a routine which he needs and which I will follow.
I obtained legal advice on Friday about his wishes to stay here and I have spoken to Mediation. I intend to continue to stick rigidly with Mediation advice which is that we must respect his wishes as to where he wants to sleep and how often. As advised by Mediation, I have brought this to their attention and we will meet to discuss it again next week. At the moment the boys have an established routine and they are both happy. Anything you do to the contrary is going to make everyone unhappy, fly in the face of legal advice, common sense, and have disastrous consequences for you in the long run. Please be sensible and let Danny do his thing until we meet again in Mediation. If you cause any harassment I will not hesitate to call the Police, I will be informing them of this situation as a matter if course and for their information. Relax, let nature take its course, everything will work out ok for the boys and us.The Police are aware but taking no action at this stage. Log 508 of 21/10/12 refers.
My note:
Because I was concerned about the welfare of Danny I approached the mediators to arrange
another mediation regarding the care of the children. They told me they saw no point since my husband had broken every agreement he ever made with them or me.
From that time he continued to tell our sons to lie to me. During a visit in November Danny mentioned that his father had gone on a night residency course in Southampton, and had left him and Adam in the house and both were told that if I contacted them they were to say their father was at the shops and was expected back soon.
31 October 2012
My mother's diary:
What an upsetting time it has been since that last entry. She spent 4 days away and returned to find he had moved out of the house and while this was what she wanted, he had taken Danny with him. She was distraught and we drove down staying locally and returned a few days later. Now here we are today, with him having agreed to sign the consent to divorce form in court and now she is able to apply for the decree absolute.
7 November 2012
Poem I found
You are tired,
(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.
Come with me, then,
And we'll leave it far and far away—
(Only you and I, understand!)
You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and—
Just tired.
So am I.
But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart—
Open to me!
For I will show you the places Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.
Ah, come with me!
I'll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,
That floats forever and a day;
I'll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,
Until I find the Only Flower,
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.
e.e. cummings
15 November 2012
My note: Date I received notification in post of the Decree Absolute. Tremendous relief felt.
24 November 2012
My notes copied to my mother:
Danny told me his father had said to him that in wanting to come and stay with me Danny was not only punishing him (his father) but also himself. Thus reinforcing to Danny that he doesn't like staying at my house.Text from him:
This is probably a good opportunity to talk to Danny about relationships. If you are honest and up front with him
about your own relationship during our separation that might ground him better and settle his feelings. If he knows that your chap was making you happy and was a nice guy it might help him understand his feelings. I think he has found an outlet for all his emotions and is letting it all out. It might be a good thing for him.
3 December 2012
Extracts from his text to me:
Poor Danny woke up this morning and said he wanted to come back and live with us. He said he didn't know when to move though, and I saw he was struggling about divided loyalties. . . . He was upset that he didn't know where he would be. . . Seeing his struggle, I helped him decide to stick to his original plan, and then he changed it to living with you 24/7.... Our last conversation was that he would stay with you for a while and pop over to say hi when he wanted to. As he left he said again that he wanted to live with us, but I'm feeling that he doesn't want to upset you.
My note:
Between 15 and 17 December I asked him to allow me to copy the family online diary. This was his reply: ‘No, I don’t think so. There’s no point when you try to control everyone’s lives by arbitrarily dictating who does what, where and when, without discussion and consideration, ever, unless it is an emergency.’
This is a prime example of him transferring his need to control everyone else’s lives, especially mine, because it is he who arbitrarily dictates who does what, where and when, and without discussion with me or any consideration.
8 December 2012
A beginning of a poem I was composing:
I was beautiful once, a butterfly;
even my toes were pretty.
Loving to live and living to love,
I watched the sands of time scatter down on me.
I took a chance, a leap of faith, innocent of life's fated plans for me.
Once path selected, a rut ensued, a life of lost identity.
On an on, on and on, like flotsam on a stream; pouring, pouring, shifting
storming, onwards but never to the sea.
Slowly dying, shifting, sighing a pale ghost emerged from me.
Until one day
13 December 2012
My mother's diary
Unfortunately things have not improved so far as the children spending time with her.
15 December 2012
My note:
On Saturday while Danny was with me when he received a sexually explicit text from his father who later said it was intended for someone else. Danny read it and threw the phone to one side and I asked him what was wrong and he indicated I should read the text on the phone.
It said "I'm back...and my lips are raw like I've just eaten an over-ripe avocado...my cock is warm and nearly numb. I have delicious feelings for you washing over me. I want to see you as soon as possible but will do what I can. I love your flat, it was you! It is warm and safe, interesting and I felt so comfortable there. Thank you for taking me into your home. Thank you for trusting me and sharing your bed. Learning, loving, and sharing has never been such fun. I adore you. x"
Naturally Danny was extremely disgusted and upset by the contents, and said he did not want anything more to do with his father, nor did he want to return to live with him. Despite the agreement we would not call at each other’s houses, my ex arrived and apologised to Danny and tried to persuade him to return home with him which he refused to do.
I suggested the three of us met elsewhere the following day (Sunday 16th).During this meeting my son accused his father of telling him to tell lies to me, and was greatly distressed when his father denied it. Despite pressure from his father he did not retract his accusation and continued to be upset and said he was unwilling to return to live with his father. I told my ex-husband that in future the arrangements for Danny's care would be in accordance with the Memorandum of Understanding agreed at the time of the Decree Absolute hearing before the judge.
While at work the following day I received a text from my ex:
Danny is with me. He came to mine to use the loo. We are getting dinner for tonight, I am going with his flow. I am reverting to Mediation advice. Do not text me again. Text Danny direct. Do not come to my house. If you continue to harass me it will be a course of conduct and I will contact the Police to make a formal complaint. I had legal advice today regarding full disclosure of my unfortunate text message to Danny, and I am advised to reinforce Mediation advice which is to allow Danny to decide 1. Where to stay 2. With whom, and 3.For how long.’
Since then I had virtually no access to Danny, which gives me great concerns for his welfare, and I have only his father’s word that Danny is well.
My notes:
I believe the reason Danny does not want to see or stay with me is because he fears upsetting his father. Danny’s phone always goes to answer phone now, and he rarely returns my calls or daily texts which I send because I do not want him to feel I have abandoned him.
When I do get a text it is extremely curt, and quite unlike him. I have never called at no.17 to see my children but my ex still threatens that should I attempt to do so he will call the police.
By this time I was beginning to believe that my ex, who was a trained hypnotherapist, was using coercive methods to put pressure on Danny to conform with what he wants, and that since May, when I began divorce proceedings, he has taken the opportunity to put similar pressure and persuasion on them to stay with him.
26 December 2012
My text to my mother:
Danny came over just before lunch (I was expecting him after breakfast). . . . Opened his presents. Said they were much better than the ones his father had given him. (Said) that he would like to stay the night (thrilled me).Then half an hour later he changed his mind (devastated but having to put on a brave face). Took him to A's for lunch and he asked me to drop him off at Dad's on way home.
29 December 2012
My text to my mother:
Danny came over and spent 5 hours. It was fabulous. He had a dartboard for Xmas so it was lovely to do something other than electronic wizardry.
30 December 2012
My email to my mother: Danny over for 2 hours.
My notes:
From the time he removed Danny from the house I began grieving for the loss of my children as any mother would but he, who had issues with his own mother and feels he did not have his mother's love, does not understand how deeply a mother’s love for her children goes.
