Bipolar Diary 2010

Extracts from the diary of someone who was married to a bipolar husband for over 20 years.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010
My Diary:
New Year... New Us?
A wise person encouraged us to work towards downgrading bipolar so that it was secondary. We decided to make this our New Year's resolution.
So that’s our aim this year, but tricky start since we are all in limbo with retirement and other things.
Christmas was great, I managed to relax and let go.
I know there are good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks, good months and bad months. It's all about how you view it.
He has got very good at NLP, I admire him for this tenacity, it's true grit and determination. I don't have it.
I raise my hopes too much and then can't express myself to him when I'm disappointed, which is really stupid, as I know it probably frustrates him just as much. I feel that it would be unfair to burden him even more when he is already mentally beating himself up.
So only Jan 12th and I don't feel so hopeful about our New Year's Resolution. Keep Calm and Carry On. Is this it?

Sunday, March 21, 2010
My Diary: Adjustment
Retirement agreed. What now?

31 March 2010 (from my other blog)
1st entry:
How to stop feeling guilty about time to myself:
I discovered self-worth. How I did it: If I didn't allow myself to care for myself, then what message was I sending out to my family? If I don't value my own sanity, then those that depend on me will lose their rock. I have realised the important role I play in my family and in order to fulfil my responsibilities, I have to look after myself.
Lessons and tips: Decide what you want to do, explain why it's important to you, stick to your plan, despite family trying to divert you e.g. 'don't you want to stay home with us, Mum?' explain why it is important to have your own time
Resources: I booked pottery lessons, every Monday evening, gradually it became a pattern and finally accepted, and one where the family now look forward to a boys night in!

2nd entry:
Support my husband with his bipolar illness:
I'm doing this every day - Sometimes it’s incredibly easy and others really hard.
We made a pact that 2010 we will put BP behind us as a secondary thought.
I love my husband and am realising that much of his illness makes him different. It helps to know it is not me or my fault. Knowing this is like starting a new life.

Sunday, May 2, 2010
My Diary: I'm tired, trapped and frightened.
I hear the goings on between him and No2 son. They goad, the arguments go back and forth, the wills set to wills and he cannot step back from this. He becomes embroiled and then loses it, all but briefly and lightly.
And there I am listening, wondering whether I should intervene or let them sort it amongst themselves. And then my maternal instincts kick in and I cannot stand by like a passive bystander. I am my children, they are part of me, spent 9 months inside of me.
And yet I too can see the utter hopelessness in him trying to gain control over the arrogance of youth.
It all goes wrong and the result is as it was so many times before. This week has been a reliving for me of so many things. Just when I thought all was OK and the garden was rosy the weeds of discontent floated into my garden.
Then I start to think, I am trapped in my work, I have no choice but to try to make things as financially safe as possible.

I had a meeting with my care support worker who touched a nerve and even as I begin to think back to that moment I feel the sharp pin pricks of tears and the hotness of their wetness splashing down my face. And yet I cannot display this in front of the children, and he will not understand the utter aching of all of this - the loss of me. The nerve that was touched was allowing myself to recognise the braveness of me.

Husband at Court hearing in 2013:
I . . . have been in private practice as a clinical therapist since July 2010.

Friday, August 6, 2010
My Diary: Triggers
School Holidays and Christmas are huge triggers. It has become clear since summer hols started that they are taking a toll on his constitution. He maintains it was only for three days. I know it was and is still there, even if on the edge.
The CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) was concerned enough to up his visits to once a week. Last week I could not take part in CPN visit. This week ended in a row in front of CPN. He thinks that I can't move on.
CPN suggested increase in Abilify (Abilify is an antipsychotic medicine used to treat the symptoms of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder) from 5mg to 10mg. He is not happy and I could see he was paying lip service to the thought of increasing dose. He thinks he is over the blip. I am doubtful.
10 days to holiday abroad. 14 days of us all together and guess what... I'm dreading it. What could go wrong?
I realise my inner strength of character is eroding away. I hate that. I remember how strong I felt when I moved out. Thoughts like that become more attractive.
CPN has asked us to work out the very early almost undefinable things that indicate a change in mood. The idea is that he will be able to construct a living decision plan.

re his behaviour - so far...
withdrawal
increased computer time
no banter
irritable
lack of closeness
secretive
brusque
conversation difficult
not loving

I start doubting myself
Anxiety in coming home and look forward to being on my own.

October 2010
His court statement in 2013:
In October 2010 I stopped my prescription medication and have been following a holistic approach to my care and treatment ever since. This included personal counselling, clinical hypnotherapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, and mindfulness.

14 October 2010:
My Diary: Support my husband with his bipolar illness:
This is tough - just when I think the world is a rosy place the seeds of discontent float into my/our garden. It’s a lonely place.

Sunday, October 17, 2010
My Diary: 10.50 am
So lonely
Came across a tweet from hubby, 18months ago:
'An angel put my wife on this earth, and my children to whom she gave birth...are everything. The four of us are love!’
So sad this time has gone.
11.05 am
Just finished supper
1 x Sertraline
2 x Amytraptyline
1 x Diazepam
Happy Days :(

4 November 2010:
My Diary:
Just bought a second hand wheel on eBay.Woohoo! I’m on my way, can’t believe it but I did. Picked it up on Sunday. So excited, I grinned from ear to ear all the way home.

Saturday, November 6, 2010
My Diary: What does it all mean?
The last 4 weeks have been a shocker for the entire family as youngest 'disclosed' something to another, who then, due to their youthfulness cocked the entire situation up for the worse. Feel as if I have been living through the Blitz. When I start thinking about myself I get sad.
For a week now I have been told by him that he is not 'bipolar'. It’s extremely difficult under these conditions to think the right thing, let alone say the right thing.
I have been happy to try to support him through this. God knows how awful it must be to live in his world. But I know that I have been feeling uncomfortable with his line of thought... and then it hit me right between the eyes, following his return from a learning session. He had done free-writing and asked his sub conscious: 'am I bipolar', and the free writing written response came back (guess what?) NO.
But then it really smacked me, if he doesn’t have bipolar, has never had bipolar then I have been duped into caring for him. What is real and what is not? I can tuck my needs away, because he is/has been ill, but if he hasn't? Then my needs have been disgracefully neglected, and I don't like it. If the truth is that he does not have bipolar... what next?
Residual anger burns like an ember inside me.

Different blog for same date
Our garage is now a rumpus room and has a carpet. The outside is very wet, I don’t have a shed… This leaves (and I’m trying to persuade hubby) the kitchen. Seems like the perfect answer to me ;o)
But what about all the rest of the things? I need to find a plaster bat to be able to wedge. I have tools, and they seem to be easy to come by.
I must get a sponge on a stick and on Monday evening I can buy some clay from the evening classes I attend.

Sunday, November 7, 2010
My Diary:
So last night he tells me about an incident in the lessons he was having. A woman broke down, because she realised that she had never truly been happy because she had to put herself second to He was full of empathy, his voice was soft. He felt her anguish. He offered her advice, solace, and telling her she needed counselling. He sounded as if he thought her brave.
I was waiting, waiting with bated breath to see if he was going to draw parallels. He did not. I asked more questions, discerning how similar the women’s situation was. Still he did not.
I felt crushed. I couldn't speak. He has no idea of the sacrifice I have given of my body and soul to him over the years. What now? What does this mean?

Prompted to look for a new year’s resolution I typed on 'To be my self'. Now after much thought and reflection I would adjust that: 'To be true to myself'.

I dreamt of tsunamis again last night and being protected in a box but the oxygen ran out. I dreamed of serpents, hundreds of them, slithering and biting and catching me.

Dream meanings
Serpents:
To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream, signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced.
As a positive symbol, snakes represent healing, transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive change.

Tsunami:
To see a tsunami in your dream means that you are being overwhelmed by some repressed feeling or unconscious material that is rising up to the surface. You are experiencing some unhappiness and emotional instability in a waking situation.

Drowning
To dream that you are drowning, indicates that you are feeling overwhelmed by emotions. Repressed issues may be coming back to haunt you. You may be proceeding too quickly in trying to discover your unconscious thoughts. You should proceed more cautiously and slowly. If you drown to death, then is refers to an emotional rebirth. If you survive the drowning, then it means that a waking relationship or situation will ultimately survive the turmoil.

Saturday, November 13, 2010
My Diary: 10.57 am
Bon amie
I confronted him last week, in a very non-threatening way, as to whether he was taking his Lithium and Abilify. He finally admitted he had stopped them on 13th October. Oh! What now? I'm watching waiting, what will happen. Again, again, I'm watching him again.
It does seem to have kick started his ventures into counselling and hypnotism (saying) ‘I’m going to save people now, that’s my purpose'.
I'm still lonely. No indication that he loves me in an amorous, lovey dovey way. Wonder if that’s gone for ever?
I dreamt of flying last night, it was hard to stay up, but I tried really hard, I could feel the deep strength it took to do it.

Flying dreams fall under a category of dreams known as lucid dreams. Lucid dreams occur when you become aware that you are dreaming. Many dreamers describe the ability to fly in their dreams as an exhilarating, joyful, and liberating experience. (I was really pleased to fly in my dream, haven’t done it for many years)
Having difficulties staying in flight indicates a lack of power in controlling your own circumstances. You may be struggling to stay aloft or stay on set course. Difficulty flying may also be an indication of a lack of confidence or some hesitation on your part. You need to believe in yourself and not be afraid.
Another way of interpreting flying dreams is that these dreams symbolize your strong mind and will. You feel undefeatable and that nobody can tell you what you cannot do and accomplish. Such dreams are sure to leave you with a great sense of freedom.

Sunday, November 14, 2010
My Diary:
Grumpy start followed by monosyllabic day, topped with underlying seething. The rollercoaster is about to go down. Hold on, we're in for a bumpy ride...

Sunday, December 5, 2010
My Diary: So far so good, he is as lovely as I remember him when we first met. Indeed feels as if we are courting again.
CPN visit went well. Did not detect that he had stopped tablets. Told him to continue as he was, as seemed very well.
What am I to make of this? I guess only time will tell, so I am going to enjoy this special time for as long as it may last.