Sunday, June 15, 2008
My Diary:
Where to start? My family has been touched by Bipolar, that is to say we are screwed, at least that's how it feels on most days at the moment.
My husband is bipolar. Or according to book I have read recently (Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide)
'My husband has bipolar (disorder).' This is apparently significant when trying to deal with it.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
My Diary:
Today has been a difficult day
I feel like a Winnie the Pooh stick floating down a fast flowing stream, bobbing along, sometimes going under.
What is the point of raging against the world, I can't change anything. I am impotent.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
My Diary:
Quote - It is more courageous to live.
Friday, June 20, 2008
My Diary:
How powerful is not wanting to live?
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
My Diary:
12.56 pm
He is imprisoned by the ghosts of all the fatal accidents he has attended. I am filled with anguish for what he is suffering.
8.41 am
From zombie to prisoner of anxiety and now I realise I'm scared. The future is scary.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
My Diary: Medication
Yesterday his medication regime changed... Today he feels invincible - able to face going for coffee and beginning to think about and talk about work!
What will tomorrow bring? Each day is vastly different.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
My Diary: down down down
The rabbit-hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly that Alice had not a moment to think about stopping herself before she found herself falling down a very deep well.
Friday, July 25, 2008
My Diary: Bad Days
Back to his old ways, uncommunicative, blames me, thinks I'm the root of all problems, passive aggressive, irritable and non-participative.
Sits all day in front of TV and when I come home doesn't make eye contact and tries to look around me so he doesn't miss TV.
It's really hard to keep a positive front. I know logically this is his condition, but I'm feeling so fed up.
The cycle will change soon (I hope) I keep busy, to the point of exhaustion.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
My Diary: Thank goodness
After sleepless nights and much wringing of hands (five days seems like so much longer when it's simply awful) relief that his mood has changed.
Normality reigns, except it’s not normal, since he is so rarely like this. At least today we were able to be a family and do nice things and laugh and talk and enjoy being together. Like an oasis in a desert.
We both agree that the depression is being treated, but not his condition of bipolar. Last week he admits to being manic, but I find it confusing, it hasn't been happy mania, but a wretched self-destructing, hateful mania.
Today I breathe.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
My Diary: Good week
This week has been good; I have been waiting anxiously for fortunes to change. We have even managed to make an appearance at a school event, and he did not appear to bat an eyelid.
I however, at the end of the week, am feeling confused, worried and anxious. How long can a rainbow last?
I wonder now whether he will ever be able to comfort me again? I have to be strong.
Monday, August 4, 2008
My Diary: Intolerant again
Unable to see my point of view, angry with me, I try to argue for myself, to try and be myself, instead of being compliant. I feel confused. I feel lost. He manifests what I see as his bipolar condition subtly changing from the ebullient, gregarious, to the paranoidal, angry one. Yet with the children I see him being patient and sweet.I am more confused. Is he able to put a mask on? Or is it simply my relationship with him that has the problem and not his bipolar condition.
Are we just in that awful part of marriage where nothing fits any more, we have out grown each other, lost true love? Or am I being tricked by this wicked disease. I do not know and feel confusion. I feel as if I need to ask someone who knows, but who? No one really seems terribly interested from the psych side.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
My Diary: Completely Manic
At least the psychiatrist has seen him at a manic stage. He thinks he is invincible and ready to go back to work.
I'm pleased to say the psych talked him down. The children must notice these changes. They don't say as much in words. The difference is very obvious. Things can be quite tense at times.
A phrase I learned from the psych... "Well I would expect you to say that"
As my husband says ... "you can’t argue with a psych"
So we have 5 weeks of new lithium dose.
Much open discussion this evening.
12 hours at a time on the computer and single determination to exhume his family tree.
He put it to the psych that if everyone was like him, can you imagine the work and good deeds that could be accomplished?
My Diary:
Where to start? My family has been touched by Bipolar, that is to say we are screwed, at least that's how it feels on most days at the moment.
My husband is bipolar. Or according to book I have read recently (Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide)
'My husband has bipolar (disorder).' This is apparently significant when trying to deal with it.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
My Diary:
Today has been a difficult day
I feel like a Winnie the Pooh stick floating down a fast flowing stream, bobbing along, sometimes going under.
What is the point of raging against the world, I can't change anything. I am impotent.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
My Diary:
Quote - It is more courageous to live.
Friday, June 20, 2008
My Diary:
How powerful is not wanting to live?
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
My Diary:
12.56 pm
He is imprisoned by the ghosts of all the fatal accidents he has attended. I am filled with anguish for what he is suffering.
8.41 am
From zombie to prisoner of anxiety and now I realise I'm scared. The future is scary.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
My Diary: Medication
Yesterday his medication regime changed... Today he feels invincible - able to face going for coffee and beginning to think about and talk about work!
What will tomorrow bring? Each day is vastly different.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
My Diary: down down down
The rabbit-hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly that Alice had not a moment to think about stopping herself before she found herself falling down a very deep well.
Friday, July 25, 2008
My Diary: Bad Days
Back to his old ways, uncommunicative, blames me, thinks I'm the root of all problems, passive aggressive, irritable and non-participative.
Sits all day in front of TV and when I come home doesn't make eye contact and tries to look around me so he doesn't miss TV.
It's really hard to keep a positive front. I know logically this is his condition, but I'm feeling so fed up.
The cycle will change soon (I hope) I keep busy, to the point of exhaustion.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
My Diary: Thank goodness
After sleepless nights and much wringing of hands (five days seems like so much longer when it's simply awful) relief that his mood has changed.
Normality reigns, except it’s not normal, since he is so rarely like this. At least today we were able to be a family and do nice things and laugh and talk and enjoy being together. Like an oasis in a desert.
We both agree that the depression is being treated, but not his condition of bipolar. Last week he admits to being manic, but I find it confusing, it hasn't been happy mania, but a wretched self-destructing, hateful mania.
Today I breathe.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
My Diary: Good week
This week has been good; I have been waiting anxiously for fortunes to change. We have even managed to make an appearance at a school event, and he did not appear to bat an eyelid.
I however, at the end of the week, am feeling confused, worried and anxious. How long can a rainbow last?
I wonder now whether he will ever be able to comfort me again? I have to be strong.
Monday, August 4, 2008
My Diary: Intolerant again
Unable to see my point of view, angry with me, I try to argue for myself, to try and be myself, instead of being compliant. I feel confused. I feel lost. He manifests what I see as his bipolar condition subtly changing from the ebullient, gregarious, to the paranoidal, angry one. Yet with the children I see him being patient and sweet.I am more confused. Is he able to put a mask on? Or is it simply my relationship with him that has the problem and not his bipolar condition.
Are we just in that awful part of marriage where nothing fits any more, we have out grown each other, lost true love? Or am I being tricked by this wicked disease. I do not know and feel confusion. I feel as if I need to ask someone who knows, but who? No one really seems terribly interested from the psych side.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
My Diary: Completely Manic
At least the psychiatrist has seen him at a manic stage. He thinks he is invincible and ready to go back to work.
I'm pleased to say the psych talked him down. The children must notice these changes. They don't say as much in words. The difference is very obvious. Things can be quite tense at times.
A phrase I learned from the psych... "Well I would expect you to say that"
As my husband says ... "you can’t argue with a psych"
So we have 5 weeks of new lithium dose.
Much open discussion this evening.
12 hours at a time on the computer and single determination to exhume his family tree.
He put it to the psych that if everyone was like him, can you imagine the work and good deeds that could be accomplished?
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