Remember the good old days

... when you could pick up the phone, dial a number to a bank, utility, company, organisation and someone answered the phone with 'Good morning. How can I help you' and you were speaking to a real person?
Nowadays you wait several (at least) minutes to get an answer which usually comprises a disembodied voice giving a series of choices, followed by music, then another voice giving you another series of choices and when you eventually get through to a human being you either cannot understand the accent or you have reached the wrong department? All of which takes up 15 minutes or more of your valuable time and leaves you angry and irritable.
Thanks so much!

So Lucky

I am so lucky to have some special people in my life who love me. People who speak the same language and who understand me. Who do not judge or expect me to change. Who are kind and caring. You are all good folk who make me feel there is still hope for this world.
Thank you all for being my friend. 

Wise Words by Maya Angelou

What is coercive control?

Coercive control is a term developed by Evan Stark to help us understand domestic abuse as more than a “fight”. It is a pattern of behaviour which seeks to take away the victim’s liberty or freedom, to strip away their sense of self. It is not just women’s bodily integrity which is violated but also their human rights. 

Traditionally, domestic violence has been understood to be an incident or series of incidents of physical violence perpetrated by a partner or ex-partner.  Indeed, sometimes it is understood to be a fight between partners.

In Scotland, instead of using the term domestic violence, we use the phrase domestic abuse in order to emphasise that it is not about fights, that abuse is on-going and that it comprises much more than physical violence.  This is not to say that verbal and/or physical fights do not take place between partners, but it is important to distinguish between these and the social concern that is domestic abuse. It is dangerous to dismiss on-going abuse as a fight or a one-off act of violence.

However, some confusion remains, and even when we acknowledge the emotional, psychological, financial and sexual elements of domestic abuse we still focus primarily on acts of violence in our discussions and responses to domestic abuse. Talking about coercive control means that it is not only another phrase for domestic abuse but it helps us to rethink what constitutes domestic abuse.

It is a term and a concept developed by the academic and activist Evan Stark which seeks to explain the range of tactics used by perpetrators and the impact of those actions on victims/survivors.  In Stark’s own phrase, the concept explains ‘how men entrap women in everyday life’.

It is a pattern of behaviour which seeks to take away the victim’s liberty or freedom, to strip away their sense of self.  It is not just women’s bodily integrity which is violated but also their human rights. 

Coercive control, Stark argues, is not primarily a crime of violence; it is first and foremost a liberty crime.  This is not intended to play down the level or scope of physical violence that can occur within domestic abuse (though sometimes no physical violence is used at all, or the violence that is used may appear ‘minor’ in the eyes of the law) but to highlight what is significant – control.

In this model, violence is used (or not) alongside a range of other tactics – isolation, degradation, mind-games, and the micro-regulation of everyday life (monitoring phone calls, dress, food consumption, social activity etc).  The perpetrator creates a world in which the victim is constantly monitored and criticised; every move is checked against an unpredictable, ever-changing, unknowable ‘rule-book’.

The rules are based on the perpetrator’s stereotyped view of how his partner should behave towards him, rules about how she cooks, house-keeps, mothers, performs sexually and socialises.

Experiencing coercive control is like being taken hostage; the victim becomes captive in an unreal world created by the partner/abuser, entrapped in a world of confusion, contradiction and fear.

Surveillance continues even when the perpetrator is not present (constant phones calls or texts, using children to report on movement etc).  The perpetrator can come to appear omnipotent.

Fear and confusion are central to our understanding of coercive control; it is living in a world of moving goal-posts, shifting sand; it is like constantly walking on eggshells.  It is a world of everyday terror.

In this way, coercive control is not domestic purely in the sense that it occurs at home – it crosses social space: literally, in that technology allows for surveillance wherever a victim is, and metaphorically, in that the victim becomes brainwashed, internalising the rules, adapting her behaviour to survive. Coercive control is the white noise against which she plays out her life; ever present, ever threatening.  The strength to live with this and to function daily in a range of settings – to survive – is enormous and courageous.

Extracted from http://www.cedarnetwork.org.uk/about/supporting-recovery/what-is-domestic-abuse/what-is-coercive-control/

NOTE: Within her marriage Lyssa existed as described in this article until she found the courage to bring it to an end. It almost broke her - being forced to live for months, after the start of divorce proceedings had begun, in the same house as the man who had treated her in such an appalling unloving and uncaring way. Even today he does nor recognise himself and neither does his new wife who has been brainwashed by him into thinking it was Lyssa who was at fault. Perhaps one day her eyes will also be opened to her own brainwashing by her coercive husband.

Emotional Manipulators

gaslight = manipulate (someone) by psychological means into doubting their own sanity.

My Typical Day - Now, what about you? Tell me about you and your typical day.

I am 84 and have help with housework etc which means I do not have to vacuum and clean as much as I once did. We also have and excellent handyman/gardener who, to avoid confusion, we call Paul 2 as opposed to Paul 1 and Paul 3. Even then I have been known to leave a message for Paul 2 on Paul 1s mobile! Paul 2 cuts the grass and tidies the garden as necessary but can also lay his hand to a multitude of tasks which he completes in a first class manner.

We live on 3 floors, so two flights of stairs to negotiate. Ground floor - Workroom and store. 1st floor Lounge/dining room and kitchen. 2nd floor bedrooms and bathrooms however I usually only go up to the 2nd floor at bedtime. Climbing the stairs plays havoc with old knees and hips but we brush that away by calling it exercise although it doesn't help Joe with his breathing.

Generally we go out shopping once, sometimes twice, a week but because we both tire quickly restrict these to less than an hour and a half if possible. I shop on line weekly for most groceries, and as necessary for gifts and clothing because of this.
At times we also have to make trips to the GP or hospital for consultation or treatment due to ill health and for check ups with dentist and opticians. These often seem to come all at once and when added to shopping is extremely tiring.

As someone who has lived since 1932, I no longer have any problems with events and decisions I have made in the past but do wish I'd had the knowledge and ability to deal with them better at the time, although at the time I frequently found myself in a cleft stick!
.
I am grateful to have reached the age I have despite multiple health problems. However it does concern me that the world seems to be a worse place now than it was, or is it that we now have the media bringing it to our attention?
Generally I am pretty amazed at how ignorant some people are about our past shameful history and behaviour in 'the colonies' as we once called them and am increasingly finding it hard to find anything to congratulate ourselves for except the NHS.
These days, throughout the whole day, I am watching Joe for additional health problems and endlessly asking him 'Are you OK?' which he bears patiently.

My Day (but don't expect anything exciting!)

5.30 Wake then iPad check Twitter, Facebook, Emails, BBC News.
6.30 Sleep until
8.00 When boiler switches on. (When you get old you feel the cold so ours is on throughout the year.) Then iPad until
8.30 Draw blinds, make bed, weigh self (and smile or grimace as necessary), briefly greet husband in passing. Downstairs I  draw curtains in lounge and blind,  plug in iPad to charge, switch on tv. Tidy away last night’s washing up and set out breakfast dishes. Take Omeprazole. Check calendar for day. Greet husband properly when he comes downstairs.
8.40 Breakfast of Honeydew melon, slice toast and honey, honey yoghurt, and tea while watching tv news. More medication for BP and cholesterol. Garlic, Vit B complex, selenium (for those interested - the latter for nails and hair).
9.20 Check day’s supper menu and recipe.
9.30 Upstairs for ablutions and to dress etc. Gather day’s laundry and by
10.00 Downstairs. Laundry into washer. Tumble and fold yesterday's  dry laundry. Check and tidy kitchen and lounge/dining room. If time garden for 10 minutes.
10.25 Downstairs. Computer for 30 minutes - answer emails, write letters or, out to Tesco and back about 12 or other appointment - which upsets rest of day.
11.00 Tea and biscuit upstairs with Joe while chatting and watching news.
11.30 Read through supper menu. Empty washer and hang out contents. Look out window to see what neighbours are up to!
12.00 Downstairs to reply to more emails then research, genealogy, write etc.
12.50 Prepare lunch.
1.00 Call Joe up to make tea. Sit and watch news then a soap with him. (Oh dear! I can hear you say.) And criticising the behaviour or decisions of the characters!
2.10 Joe off upstairs for nap. If necessary start preparing any slow cooker meals, or downstairs to computer for genealogy or upstairs look for and watch film on tv which has probably started ten minutes earlier but because I became used to arriving in mid programme (and often mid main feature) during WW2, it is of no importance! My thinking being: I'll catch the beginning another time and then I'll remember I've seen it through to the finale! Oh the joys of being old and settling for less.
3.00 Pause film. Check time and set timer for starting supper. Read through recipe again. Wash up lunch dishes. Watch rest of film.
4.00 Tea and biscuit with Joe while chatting about numerous inconsequential matters of little interest  to anyone but ourselves.
4.30 Start preparing supper, washing up as I go. Downstairs on computer and chat to Joe.
5.30 Continue preparations for cooking supper. Potter around - water garden pots, tidy up etc and idly look out window to see what neighbours are up to!
6.00 Finish cooking supper.
7.00 Serve and eat supper during which we ask each other questions from quiz books - generously helping each other with clues to answer, including - as necessary - charades!
7.30 Wash dishes and tidy kitchen. Settle down with drinks, water for me and wine for Joe, for evening of companionably watching tv - usually something light eg soaps, documentary, good film we have recorded (during which,  I am pleased to say, if it is a good film we do NOT talk or interrupt except for dire emergencies.)
9.50 Bedtime for me, leaving Joe to own devices. Upstairs and prepare for bed - wash etc. On I Pad - checking social media or reading. Check in with Heather. Read multiple news items. Pinterest etc.
11.00 Joe comes up to bed. Brief chat and goodnight.
11.15 Asleep (if possible.)
12.15 Some nights, when I cannot get to sleep (and I know this goes against all advice) I find my iPad is a good companion until my eyes become heavy.
Tomorrow: Repeat.

Future Earth by JCN

The lacy strands of a leafless tree
Against a naked land and the rising sun.
So the land was and again shall be,
When man passes into eternity.